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The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 3/21/13: Be Kind While We Rewind

By 03.22.13

Best: Taryn Terell (??)

The coming weeks could be leading to some sub-par wrestling and me making dismissive wanking motions at each Knockouts match, but let’s point out some positives of the newest member of the Knockouts division:

1) She has pretty hair

2) I have lovely memories of watching her match against Scarlett Bordeaux in a vegan Chinese restaurant with Brandon and Veda Scott, and every time I think about it I laugh and laugh and laugh

3) We both wear the same kind of socks to work

4) her spear is totally better than Kaitlyn’s

No, seriously. I actually enjoy when she does it. As a long time Edge fan, lover of Rhyno’s gore, and consistent giggler at the noise Kobald makes before he does his, I’m pretty finicky when it comes to spears. I think part of it is due to the fact that Gail Kim is a significantly better wrestler than anyone Kaitlyn has speared since Eve’s departure, but part of it is that every time Kaitlyn has done it recently, the legs of her opponents get all folded up underneath themselves, and she looks like she’s really hurting people, as opposed to just fake-hurting people. For the sake of being positive, let’s all bask in the warm afterglow of continuity and Bully Ray exposition, take these into account, and hope to god she picked up more tips in OVW than “Be better than Scarlett Bordeaux.”

Worst: Matt Morgan

Last week my DVR cut out the entire Joseph Park-Matt Morgan segment. It appears that he didn’t disappear forever, he just left to get his awkwardly small trunks. This match is still fairly entertaining, because Joseph Park makes my heart soar, but…geez. I know the easiest way to put someone over as a heel is to put them against a beloved babyface, but….my god. Between Matt Morgan’s “bump like a baby learning to walk” style, and his complete and utter lack of pacing, this is not good. This is not good at all.

Best: Mike Tenay

I’ve mentioned this before, but I truly believe that Mike Tenay is the last person on earth to find out that wrestling is fake. He’s SO. UPSET. ABOUT AJ STYLES. I like to think that he hates matches with career-ending stipulations, because it means he won’t get to see that person at work anymore. He thinks he and Eddie Guerrero just had a falling out and stopped texting, but is too shy to ask Chavo about it. He’s so personally offended by everything Aces & Eights stands for. Pursed-lip Mike Tenay is the very best Mike Tenay we could ask for, and he is out in full force tonight.

He’s so upset, and so worried about AJ he can barely contain it. He is standing SO CLOSE to him. I imagine he wants to go in for a relieved hug, but again, just wants to play it cool. He is positively aghast that Taz interrupts to try and recruit AJ because he’s “been dabbling in alcohol and stuff and beer.” If anyone every wants to make me happy, send me gifs of angry Mike Tenay because it amuses me to my very core.

Best: GI Joe

Sigh. I know there was an entire main event, but it wasn’t a Best for me, but it wasn’t horrid enough to be a Worst. It happened, Jeff Hardy won, and now he got a shot at the title despite already having a shot at the title because wrestling.

So let it be known that I am super duper excited for GI Joe, I look forward to the trailer each commercial break, and am even more excited for when I can rip the DVD and make a perfect cut of zero Rock and nothing but the wacky COBRA adventures of Cobra Commander and his rapscallion companion Storm Shadow. And maybe some C-Tates, because by god, I’m only human. So you can choose to click here, watch Magnus vs. Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle vs. Jeff Hardy, or you can watch this 19 second video of nothing but Cobra Commander looking cool as f-ck. Or both. I won’t judge.

So until next week, COOOOOOOOBRAAAAAAA!

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