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The Best And Worst Of WWE Old School Raw 3/4/13: Wherein Everything Is Super Old

By / 03.05.13

Best: The Miz Finally Figures Out The Figure-Four

The Miz gets a competitive win over Dolph Ziggler by discovering Ziggler’s biggest weakness: Raw matches.

He also gets a huge Best for FINALLY figuring out how to do a figure-four leglock. I’ll give it to him, the one he did last night was beautiful. There’s a huge, huge difference between this:

And this:

The crowd reaction tells the story. When he tried it that first time, the crowd popped when they figured out where he was going, then kinda had to sit on their hands going “eeeh wooo” while Miz worked it out. Here, the figure four is the big finish, with Ziggler’s bounciness backfiring and finding him stuck in the middle of the ring with a fired-up Miz, dead-set on breaking a motherf**ker’s legs.

This is why babyface Miz can still work … when he’s doing things like applying a figure-four in front of Ric Flair while an arena of people cheer him on, it works. You can believe him. He’s a wrestling fan living this crazy dream moment, getting over on the show off guy because HE’S taking this seriously. It is less effective when he says “lol your gay” into a mic and applies a figure-11, and the only person popping is Maffew from Botchamania, because he’s got the soundtrack to Mighty Bomb Jack on MIDI and finally has somewhere to put it.

Maybe Flair has to be there? I don’t know. Pay Ric Flair to be there every week, somebody.

Best: Ric Flair Vs. Big E Langston

The worst part of this match (besides Ziggler losing, which is becoming as reliable as the sunrise) was Miz bringing out Ric Flair, saying he “makes my corner look a lot better than yours.” F**king Draugr Ric Flair looks better than AJ Lee and that magnificent African-American gent in the Borat swimsuit? The only two reasons for that I can think of are:

1. Maryse is the only lady Miz looks at, so his standards of beauty are SUPER SKEWED, or

2. Miz is still Accidentally Racist Mike from ‘The Real World: Back To New York’ and has just never had an opportunity to find a Puerto Rican lady or a black guy attractive. This could also be why he’s engaged to a French Canadian with the blondest hair in history.

Anyway, the BEST part of the match was the outside-the-ring showdown between Ric Flair and Big E. Langston that started with a JACKET BULLWHIP ATTACK~, ended with a Miz dropkick and featured about 30 “MOTHERF**KER” faces in-between.

If you weren’t sold on Ric Flair being around every week with the Proper Figure-Four thing, keep him around so he can attack people with his clothing, attack, then cower from them. You can be pretty awesome sometimes, Ric Flair.

Worst: No, You Hang Up. No, YOU Hang Up.

The objective truth is that aside from Rock yelling HARLEM SHAKING HONEY BOO-BOO IT WAS CAWLLDDD!! for no reason, this year’s first Once In A Lifetime II was a hell of a lot better than last year’s “throwing gnomes into the river” fest. They kept it serious for the most part, said what needed to be said, and only took up 15% of the show instead of 40. So that’s good, right?

See, this is the problem with doing Once In A Lifetime a second time. The quality stuff Cena’s saying about how he promised everybody he was gonna beat the Rock and didn’t so he needs his redemption is REALLY GOOD, but it’s also a cop-out. The gravity of last year’s match is that it was only going to happen once, and if Cena didn’t pull it off, he’d NEVER get a chance to do it again. He’d have to live with his failure for the rest of his life. It happened, and Cena’s life went into a terrible tailspin that saw him … uh, beat Brock Lesnar and win Money in the Bank and the Royal Rumble. Now he’s getting another shot, and just like everything else in Cena’s life — firings, championship losses, whatever — he just shows up and gets what he wants. Lose a once in a lifetime match? It’s cool. We’ll just do it again. This is why I stopped collecting comic books. They kill people and ask you to give a shit, then bring them back in a year. They build up 20 years of history, reboot it all, try something else for a year, then reboot it again. Nothing has gravity. Nothing has consequence. We’re just fake people going through the fake motions. Why should you care about us? Stimulus response?

The Rock was fine, but he absolutely cannot handle a conversation with another human being. Here’s a brief transcript, as I understood it:

Cena: “I NEED to win this match. I need it more than anybody!”

Rock: “That’s true, you need this match more than anybody! More than anybody except THE ROCK!”

Cena: “Your time is up, my time is now!”

Rock: “No, YOUR time is up, and MY time is now. Because it’s THE ROCK’s time!”

Cena: “uh … my shoes are untied”

Rock: “JOHN CENA YOUR SHOES ARE UNTIED BUT THE ROCK’S SHOES ARE UNTIED more

Cena: “slow catchphrase”

Rock: “slower catchphrase

It was the “you hang up. No, YOU hang up” of wrestling conversations. They were just saying “I’m gonna win because I really want to” at each other until somebody’s music played. Conversational musical chairs. It was serious, and that’s good. It was “intense,” and that’s good. They said it was important, and that’s good. But it wasn’t good. Does that make sense? I’ve got to stop giving Bests for Not Pissing Me Off.

I guess I can only expect so much honesty and reason from two guys who just get everything they want. Imagine if Willy Wonka opened his factory and Veruca Salt won every Golden Ticket. That’d be the WWE main event scene. CM Punk would be Charlie, his Grandpa would be Colt Cabana and they’d have to fart a bunch to keep from being chewed up in Vince McMahon’s ceiling fans.

Best: The Lance Armstrong Line Was Good, But It Could’ve Been Better

I’ll give it to Rocky, responding to Cena’s INSPIRATIONAL SPORTS QUOTE~ from Mike Tyson with an inspirational sports quote from a dude who was lying was choice. At the same time, I wish he’d gone with something along the lines of “sorry, the Rock doesn’t know any quotes from rapists.” He could’ve followed it with “hey everybody, John Cena likes rapists!”

Worst: Jack Swagger Beats Up Three Old Men With A Slab Of Balsa Wood

Isn’t Jack Swagger’s beef with minorities and people who are misconstruing the Constitution? Why does he suddenly have a problem with the army, the plumbers union and the mentally retarded?


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