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The Best And Worst Of WWE Old School Raw 3/4/13: Wherein Everything Is Super Old

By 03.05.13

Worst: You Guys Know You Can ERASE A Dry Erase Board, Right

It feels like I’ve been reviewing the same show for the last two months. Last week on Raw, The Primetime Players lost to Team Hell No. Daniel Bryan was wearing a blindfold and Kane had one arm tied behind his back. Somehow losing a HUGELY LOPSIDED match earned the Primetime Players a rematch on Smackdown, only this time with KANE in the blindfold and BRYAN with one arm tied behind his match. They managed to win that one — by surprise, with a roll-up, because they aren’t good enough to win one of two different severely handicapped matches straight up with wrestling moves or power or anything — which earned them a THIRD match against Team Hell No, this time with NO handicaps. They lost that clean, in about three minutes. So … rematch on Smackdown?

I joke a lot about the WWE Creative Team having a dry erase board that just says basic shit like ORTON BEATS CESARO that they accidentally leave up for a month, but man, they’ve left up the entire show for a month at this point. Are they writing on that thing in permanent marker? The Players trying to get Ted DiBiase as their manager so they can do the MILLIONS OF DOLLARS gag with greater legitimacy is a good idea, but not if you aren’t going to let them do it. What purpose does this serve for anybody? Daniel Bryan and Kane get their rivalry stalled another week, the Players look like a joke, the tease of awesome, weekly Million Dollar Man content is pulled out from under us, and no challengers to the tag team titles have been created, suggested or furthered. What are we doing?

Best: The Million Dollar Man, Forever And Always

All that said, I can’t ever give Ted DiBiase a Worst for being the Million Dollar Man. Stuffing $100 into Darren Young’s mouth was great, as was Daniel Bryan hanging back to steal it, because I guess he looks like that because he’s poor? I don’t know. I wish DiBiase had stuck around to actually be Titus and Darren’s manager, especially if those Deadspin-friendly WE WANT VIRGIL chants had led to the PTP wearing Virgil costumes and being called THE VIRGILS had happened.

Let’s just go all the way with it. Have DiBiase recruit them as manservants, then have him pal around with Zeb Colter. Because get it.

Worst: Welp, At Least We Got To See Drew McIntyre Wrestle For Almost 20 Seconds

New theory: Jerry Lawler’s heart attack freaked WWE out, so now they’ve got an unspoken “fat guys can’t be out there more than 2 minutes” rule, both to protect the health of said fat guys and to keep somebody ELSE from going down to body failure on Raw.

There was one good thing about this match: Tensai (who I refuse to call “Sweet T” in the same way I’m not ever calling somebody “Slam Master J”) switched out his Fruit Roll-up trunks for a black singlet and now has a full breakaway-pants tracksuit to match Brodus. Okay, two things: Naomi is my jam.

There was so much bad to share, though. The continuation of Punishment Funkadelic’s “we’re the team that wins now” push, 3MB’s joke only being allowed to extend as far as “we are 3MB and we like music, supposedly,” Drew McIntyre’s 10 years of pro wrestling experience being used in a roll that Steve the f**king Turtle Weiner could’ve done, the works. The Honky Tonk Man gets put into a match, gets over on the young stars and never has to take a bump in the process. Thank goodness the f**king HONKY TONK MAN looks good, right? Is losing to Jerry Lawler’s Elvis impersonating cousin and having fat guys dance on your grave better or worse than being shoved on your ass by Flo Rida?

Honky Tonk Man Raw

Worst: Not Every Legend Was A Good Guy

I’ve written about this before; about how WWE brings back legends and they default to “fan favorite” whether they were an affable good guy or the worst person in history because the passing nostalgia of “I remember this thing” is more important than history or precedent. It’s confusing.

I mean, imagine that you work in an office. Imagine that when you were young and just starting out, there was a weird guy at your job who always took shortcut, openly betrayed and assaulted his co-workers, told everyone else at work how stupid they were every day he was there and was eventually fired for stealing or doing drugs or reaching an insurmountable level of personal embarrassment, or some combination of the three. Imagine that you didn’t see him for 15 years. Now, imagine that he just shows up again to that same office, wearing the same clothes he was in when he was fired. You’ve experienced about a 75% turnover in the last 15 years, but there are enough people still working there who remember every awful thing this dude did. His only reason for showing up is to do the same stuff you hated him for 15 years ago. Would you clap your hands and welcome this guy back because you “remember” him? Of course not. You’d call the f**king police, right?

WWE’s insistance on everybody being beloved when they’re gone is concerning, but I guess when you put an IM MEMORIUM to Test at the beginning of Raw when he dies, you might as well keep going. It works for nebulous guys like Vader and Sid because they were AWESOME, but the Honky Tonk Man? Really? There is no universe where somebody should see the Honky Tonk Man and want to clap for him.

Worst: Thanks A Lot, Justin Roberts

I’ve been waiting for NXT winner Fandango to debut for SO LONG. I’ve been cheering this guy since he had two Os in his name. And now the time comes for him to FINALLY debut on Raw, and I don’t get to see it because Justin Roberts can’t commit to a name read? I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FIND YOU AND CHOKE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU WITH A TIE IF YOU MESS THIS UP AGAIN

On a serious note, did they SERIOUSLY hype a guy with videos for months, change his name after the first week, devolve his ability to speak and have him refuse to do the (second?) job he has kayfabulously agreed to do because some chump can’t say his name right? I mean, I am still all about Fandango, but God, they turned him into Simon Dean before he even wrestled.

Best: That Was My Second Favorite Kofi Kingston Match Ever

Here’s a Tweet you should see before every Kofi Kingston match:


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