Best: At Least He Didn’t Wet His Pants This Week
Kudos to Triple H. Sure, his promo could’ve been summed up with “LESNAR, ME AND YOU, WRESTLEMANIA, LET’S GET IT AWNN” and was instead a rambly, self-serving mess about how Triple H is THE BEST and BACK and AN ASS-KICKER and only considered retiring because it was a lie from TRIPLE H TO TRIPLE H (and he got the amount of stitches on Lesnar’s head wrong, somehow), but hey, it was over in under 10 minutes, and he escaped to the back before pissing all over himself.
I hope the next four weeks aren’t Lesnar ducking a fight with a guy he already won and Triple H just being all YOU’RE A COWARD BROCK, YOU’RE A WIMPY COWARD AND I AM THE ASS-KICKER the entire time, even thought Lesnar’s promo from early last year about how he made piss run down peoples’ legs ACTUALLY HAPPENED. That’s totally the way the story’s going down, isn’t it? I typed that and gust of cold wind opened all the windows in my house.
Ah well. At least Paramore’s releasing a new album.
Best: If You’re Gonna Have Wade Barrett Lose All The Time, At Least … Shit, Are We Still Doing This? Hold On…
Worst: WE’RE STILL DOING THIS
Intercontinental Champion (remembering that “Intercontinental Champion” is about as prestigious as “Internet Champion” right now) Wade Barrett took on World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio in a competitive, four-ish minute thing that I enjoyed. Wade got in a lot of offense, got to look really good, and the finish of a rolling armbreaker out of a Bossman slam was fun. I think Del Rio and Barrett could have a really, really spectacular 20 minute match at some point in their careers.
But, of course, OH MY GOD WE ARE STILL MAKING OUR SECONDARY CHAMPIONS LOSE EVERY WEEK, WHAT THE F**K.
Once again, the United States Champion AND the Intercontinental Champion cleanly lost quick matches to guys who are “above” the belts, and once again it makes so little sense to me I feel like I’m living in a mental institution. Why does this keep happening? What’s the value in putting a belt on a guy who wins every time he defends the belt, loses every time he doesn’t, and doesn’t defend at least 10 times more than he does? Why does there have to be such a ridiculous class system in WWE? Why do we have to have a pro wrestling 1%? Why are the poor guys so poor they don’t even register on the scale?
I don’t get it. I CAN’T get it. It continues to be the stupidest thing WWE does, and I guess I’m obligated to type in capital letters about it every week from now until infinity. STOP IT, JERKS.
Worst: “We Need To Sell This Bret Hart DVD. How Should We Do It?” “With Footage Of Sheamus Getting Dressed?” “PERFECT.”
The Bret Hart Dungeon Collection DVD commercial managed to make less sense than the Raw surrounding it, and that’s an accomplishment. “Sheamus watches this when he’s tired?” Really? That’s your pitch? They should’ve done the same commercial, but with Tyson Kidd. Have him wake up in the morning, watch TV until like 5 PM, show up to Raw in his street clothes, get dressed, walk into the writers’ room, have them all kinda shrug at him, have him change clothes again, ride home on his bike and watch Bret Hart DVDs until he falls asleep. That’s accurate, right? If not, use Natalya, and throw in a scene where she stops at a Walgreens to buy Beano.
Worst: “Best in the world!” “Irish! The Celtic Warrior.”
A summary of this week’s Touts:
1. UNDERTAKER BACK, UNDERTAKER BACK, REARGHHHHH
2. A guy who likes Randy Orton, names his signature move, then does his signature pose
3. ‘sup, Myspace CM Punk fan (who uses Punk’s catchphrase)
4. Two guys who have an argument about Sheamus and CM Punk using NOTHING but signature hand signals and catchphrases. Seriously. This is how wrestling fans talk to each other in 2013, apparently, and I need to consider switching up my format from “paragraphs” to “expository wrestling memes.”
Seriously, the exchange of “BEST IN THE WORLD!” “IRISH [looks at camera] The Celtic Warrior” has to be the worst moment in wrestling history. Tout is now broken, and we’re deaf mutes until further notice.
Worst: Put The New Age Outlaws Into The Tag Division If You’re Gonna Put Them Over People In The Tag Division
Thank goodness I’m a deaf mute, so I don’t have to hear the New Age Outlaws or explain to you how little I want to see them on television.
I also don’t have to figure out which was worse, Jerry Lawler saying “uh oh, hey, it’s OLD SCHOOL HEH HEH” in response to the Outlaws’ music, or Michael Cole’s empty-hearted “ho hooooo!” when they walked out. I think the best part is Road Dogg saying “Nueva York-ay” and Lawler responding with a terse what, as if to say wait a minute, is the Road Dogg Mexican? Like he’d been cheering for him for a while but this changes everything.
Best: CM Punk Vs. Mae Young’s Birthday Party
Mae Young is having a birthday party on the ramp. OH GOD. Several cakes are involved. Nothing good can come of this. And then, as if sent by God himself, CM Punk entered, no-sold the party and walked to the ring for his main-event match. The cameras, production team and announcers all did what he said with his body language. Thank you so much for that, Punk. I didn’t need to see Mae Young and Gene Okerlund make out again, or whatever Happy Madison shit they had planned.
One other thing I liked about the party, though: Mark Henry wearing the biggest sweater ever, standing happily in the front row to support his ex. Or … wife? Did we ever figure that out?