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The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 3/18/13: Rufus ‘Pancake’ Patterson, Episode One

By 03.19.13

Best: The CM Punk/Undertaker Confrontation Was Fun, But They Didn’t Really Say Anything

People love the Undertaker, but he’s never been good on the microphone. He CAN talk, but he never really says anything important. For a long time he could hide behind stuff like THE FIRES OF HELL WILL REIGN DOWN UPON YOU AND I WILL SEEK MY VENGEANCE REST IN PEACE and it was fine, because he’s supposed to be a movie monster mortician zombie Bat God or whatever. When he became Biker Taker he lost that, and somewhere around the time he and Big Show rode motorcycles into the desert, it was gone for good. So whenever Taker speaks now people get goosebumps and listen, but he’s honestly delivering one of the shittiest promos on the show. This is why he had Paul Bearer in the first place, guys.

CM Punk is a Public Speaking Ace, but only when he’s saying something he means. When he’s saying he doesn’t appreciate being valued below guys like John Cena, he means it. When he chastises the Rock for making these big claims at his expense, he’s telling the truth. When he’s running Jeff Hardy out of town on a rail for being a drug addict, that’s CM Punk for real. When he’s defending his honor when Chris Jericho says he’s got footage of Punk leaving a bar? Not so much. So that’s where we find ourselves … a promo battle between a guy who can’t speak outside of a Fangoria article and a guy who can’t think of something cooler to say than “I’ll beat your streak.”

That’s all Punk says in like, 5 minutes of talking. “I’m going to beat your streak. Undertaker, you have a streak. At WrestleMania you have a streak, and I’m going to beat you at WrestleMania! I’m the only person who can beat your streak!” It’s effective on the most basic level, and the insulting stuff he was doing with Taker’s urn was pretty great, but yeah, there isn’t much else to say, is there? Taker feuds need more special effects and fighting, not that Triple H style “let’s discuss this for a month” thing.

Best: This Shot, Specifically

CM Punk Undertaker urn

Beautiful work, everybody.

Worst: Spring 2012 Returns

First Damien Sandow is rolling out of the ring to take a count-out loss, and now AJ is dressed like Kane, skipping around the ring to distract him and Daniel Bryan? I make a lot of WWE Creative Dry Erase Board jokes, but damn, did they just stumble upon an old one and go with whatever they’d written on it last Spring?

You know WWE’s doing something wrong when I’m disinterested in a Daniel Bryan match with Rosa Mendes at ringside. I just absolutely do not care what happens to the tag team champions anymore. They had a great thing going, stalled on the inevitable Team Hell No breakup at the expense of every other team in the division, and RIGHT when they’re ready to split them and refocus everyone involved, Paul Bearer dies and Kane gets locked in a holding pattern until Taker and Punk’s storyline is done. AJ’s trying to distract Kane and Bryan to “get in their head” so her boyfriend, you know, the guy with the MONEY IN THE BANK BRIEFCASE, can have a better chance at winning the tag titles. Oh, and the Colons still lose. So … hooray?

Worst: Fandango Runs Afoul Of ‘Cool Dad’

shut the f**k up, chris jericho

You know, if Jericho had just responded to Fandango with “what, you mean like where I buy movie tickets? Why do you have the movie ticket service’s name” I might’ve been on his side here, but nope, babyface Chris Jericho continues to be the least funny person who has ever lived. I give The Rock a bunch of shit for talking in random words and baby talk, but he’s like an episode of f**king ‘Fawlty Towers’ compared to Chris Jericho. Remember, heel Jericho delivered the 1,004 moves promo. Face Jericho was the creative force behind the least funny “funny” segment of all time. Fandango should’ve just rolled his eyes and walked away.

In fact, that’s what EVERYONE in WWE should start doing. If you’ve got a personal issue with somebody and confront them, and instead of talking about you or the issue or wrestling they just start going DING DIDDLY DONG DONG YOU’RE A POOP SNORT KISS MY GRITS, just roll your eyes at them and walk away. If you’re the camera man, turn off the camera and leave it lying on the ground in front of them.

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