Best: Team Rhodes Scholars Is Smart And Great
We’re setting up an eight-person tag team match for WrestleMania, right? Rhodes Scholars and the Bella Twins (suggested team name: The Bella Jar) teaming up against Otakusaurus and the Funkadactyls. On the plus side, Cody, Damien and Naomi get a WrestleMania match, and it’s one Rhodes Scholars actually kinda have a chance to win. On the negative side, Cameron gets a f**king WrestleMania match while Chris Hero sits in development, Antonio Cesaro doesn’t have a defined role other than “lose to somebody, probably” and Bray Wyatt’s crew will fart around in the ring at Axxess while people clamor for R-Truth’s autograph. Also on the negative side, if the Funkadactyl team wins, it means another WrestleMania dance moment from Brodus, and I haven’t yet recovered from the last one.
But yeah, I’m happy whenever the smart team gets to be smart and triumph because of it. They probably should’ve won the tag team titles like, three months ago.
Best: The Chickbusters Explode, Finally, I Guess
The backstage confrontation between Kaitlyn and AJ was notable for that, Kaitlyn’s redonkulous headfirst bump into a water fountain. Her head is covered in that giant quilt of mismatched hair, so I mean she might’ve not come within five feet of the thing, but it looked good. I like the idea that Kaitlyn, Daniel Bryan and Kane have to all share the same dressing room because they’re ostensibly “good guys,” but they’re all terrible people. Kane is a murderous, fire-bringing rapist, Daniel Bryan emotionally abused his girlfriend and has rage/image issues, and Kaitlyn will just insult people to their face and start yammering on about how her old friend is a bitch to anyone who’ll listen.
I think a Chickbusters feud would’ve worked better if they’d gone my route (build them up as actual role models for young girls … ridiculous, I know) or if they hadn’t retconned the original breakup (Kaitlyn attacking AJ and joining Pin-Up Strong, leaving AJ as a nerdy, identifiable underdog against these big muscly blondes), but I like them both as performers, and will be stoked to see them wrestling at Mania a year after I met them at the “all our good people are at the Hall of Fame” session of Axxess.
Best: Ryback Gets To Look Cool And Strong Again!
I had almost forgotten that Ryback was supposed to be strong. That was his thing when he showed up, remember? He was THE STRONGEST. He could pick up two guys at once, and the way he kept saying “feed me more” made you think they were gonna put him up against THREE guys, and OH MAN, could he pick up THREE GUYS AT ONCE for the Shellshock? Ryback was the shit for like, two months.
Anyway, this was a nice callback to that, with poor 3MB getting destroyed again and Ryback getting to pick up Actual WWE Superstars and double Shellshock them with confidence and authority. I didn’t like Michael Cole reacting like it was the first time Ryback had ever picked up two dudes at once, but whatever, motherf**ker forgot Fandango’s lights after like six days.
In a related note, Heath Slater’s one of those guys who busted his ass all year and deserves a spot on the Mania card, even if it’s just to lose to somebody quickly. I miss those Mania shows where there were like 18 matches, and some of them lasted a minute and were barely a thing. It’s a better use of his time than being shoved on his ass by Macklemore, or whatever they’re planning this year.
Worst: I Still Don’t Think He Can Shellshock Mark Henry
I don’t. This is the ending they want for the Henry/Ryback match, right?
I don’t think he can do it. Remember when Ryback tried to Shellshock Paul Heyman, and it didn’t work because Heyman is fat and kinda ovular, and Ryback had been picking up nothing but skinny and/or in-shape guys? He did it fine when he adjusted for it, but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the brute, natural power they want the Shellshock to be. Remember when he tried to pick up Lord Tensai and couldn’t, because Tensai is shaped like a big ass dugong, and Ryback only picks up guys like Heath Slater and Jinder Mahal?
Mark Henry is WAY bigger and WAY fatter than Paul Heyman or Tensai. He’s an IMMENSE dude. I don’t think Ryback can Shellshock him and make it look right, at least not in the organic context of a match. Cena can pick up Henry for a finish because he’s just doing a squat. Ryback can probably pick him up, but to hold him in place? Yeah, that’s not going to happen. That match is gonna end with a Meathook clothesline, or, better yet, a Meathook clothesline attempt into a World’s Strongest Slam. Make it happen, WWE.
Best: AJ’s Only Dating Dolph Because He Reminds Her Of Kaitlyn
The Chickbusters are both pretty great at selling offense. Watch this match and you’ll see what I mean. AJ sells Kaitlyn’s shoulderblocks with full backflips onto her shoulders. Kaitlyn goes into the barricade like a boss. They know what they’re doing. THEY SHOULD BE A THING, and not “Dolph Ziggler’s slutty girlfriend” and “ill-defined sometimes love interest with skunk hair.”
I really do think AJ likes Dolph because he’s like Kaitlyn. They’re both into fitness. They both insult their co-workers to their faces. They bump their asses off. They’ve pretty much got the same hair. It makes sense. Kaitlyn is the best of AJ’s seven evil exes, and part of me always wanted to see Ramona end up with Roxie Richter anyway.
Oh, and before I forget, holy crap what did they do to Kaitlyn’s entrance theme? ‘Spin the Bottle’ was ridiculously bad, but this is something else. And the video! Nothing says “Kaitlyn” like being excited before or after matches, and also FIREWORKS.