The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 3/25/13: ATTN WWE Universe, You Are Wade Barrett

By: 03.26.13

Worst: Finally, John Cena and The Rock Get A Chance To Talk To Each Other

Finally. If you’re like me, you’re very interested to know what John Cena and the Rock have to say to each other, since they have never spoken to each other about themselves on microphones in a wrestling ring!

Best: We Are At John Cena’s Critical Mass

Firstly: old codger Bret Hart is adorable. That poor guy. He thinks he’s watching Raw at home on television, doesn’t he?

Secondly: This is it for John Cena. I mean, honestly. There are two major trains of thought regarding John, which are 1) he’s too much of a merchandise machine to turn heel, because if you made him hate the fans, you’d risk losing billions and billions of bright-ass t-shirt/wristband/headband bundles sold, and 2) John Cena The Character is absolute garbage, and needs to change it up and/or turn heel to get his groove back and really justify being the biggest star in the business.

This is the moment when we officially, finally find out which one they’re going with.

Listen to Cena’s promo. Well, the longer version, WWE Fan Nation truncates the segments into 20 second things so they can show you the entire post-segment shenanigans. Cena’s “I HAVE TO WIN THIS YOU DESTROYED MY LIFE” thing sounds a hell of a lot like Stone Cold Steve Austin’s did before WrestleMania X-7. It becomes less about having to prove himself or whatever and becomes a specific, insurmountable obsession. Obsession is the root of villainy. See Doctor Doom, or Gollum, or anybody. Michael P.S. Hayes. He wanted gold records, or whatever! You become obsessed, that takes over, and you lose yourself.

The thing about Cena is that he’s not an underdog. He never has been. The WWE legends were all “oh man, you have to win, huh” to a guy who has won 10 WWE Championships and everything else in the world, a guy who is dating the Bella Twin with the breast implants, acting like he’s never won anything or succeeded. Like he’s Brian Kendrick and he just stumbled into a WrestleMania main-event against The Rock. Cena is THE DYNASTY. He’s the guy who nobody can beat, the guy who gets all the opportunities, the one guy in history who can make Vince McMahon gulp and do whatever he says. If they’re building to the Dynasty accepting his role, murdering the Rock and rising to the top as the God-King of the WWE or whatever, that’d be awesome. Vince just kinda cowering under him. CM Punk being the prophet, because he called it two years ago. Triple H … uh, immediately beating John Cena so Cena doesn’t look better than him. Okay, maybe Triple H doesn’t work in this set-up, but still, it’s a huge, huge improvement over “this guy beats your favorites, so buy his yellow-ass t-shirt.”

I hope they’re brave enough to pull the trigger. And better still, I hope they’re brave enough to KEEP the trigger pulled, and not have Cena be the only one who can save us from the Alliance (or its equivalent) four months later.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night

Fancy Catsup

We follow up a segment with a crazy person, person with two-tone hair, and a big muscle guy with greasy wet hair with … the Shield.

Deja vu.

Raw Is Leary

the bellas are a walking before & after picture

Whole Lotta Denim

Welcome to Whose Raw is it Anyway, where the matches are made up and the Titles don’t matter


The “chaotic, frenetic” style. The repeated setting up Reigns to throw it down. The surprising fact they haven’t lost yet.

The Shield is WWE’s Florida Gulf Coast Eagles.


Cool dad got into a scuffle at soccer practice


Dusty: “I am a fat man and wrestled for 60 minutes 6 nights a week. Rock, you wrestle twice a year and are gassed after 5 minutes.”

Rock: “That wasn’t a question.”

Dusty: “I know.”


Cena should come in and his fist words should be “Eww. This place has got old man stink.”

Tobogganing Bear

“Regarding your version of the Sharpshooter…seriously what the f**k dude?” – Bret’s opening question


“I remember I lost to the Rock three times. Once at Wrestlemania, once at Summerslam and oh…what was the third one?”


Dusty Rhodes needs to be a guest judge on MAINE JUSTICE

See you next week, everybody.

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