Worst: The Worst-Dressed Adults
A conversation between adults:
“Hey Hunter, what’re you wearing on Raw tonight? I want to make sure we don’t wear the same thing.”
“Hand-dried jeans, t-shirt and leather jacket.”
“Cool. I’m gonna wear a ten-gallon hat and a camo vest with a bunch of necklaces and bracelets.”
“Sounds good. How old are you?”
“Make sure you don’t forget to point to your dick.”
“LOL, like I ever have.”
Best: Paul Heyman Spits The Truth, Or
Worst: “You’re Right About Everything, But Whatever, Look At My Dick”
Destiny doesn’t like Brock Lesnar. I spent most of this segment trying to explain my Brock love to her, and it mostly boils down to, “he shows up to make people I hate bleed.” He’s done it his entire career. “Oh look, Hardy Boyz? Let me hammerthrow you into irrelevance.” “Rob Van Dam? I WILL CATCH YOU AND YOU WILL DIE.” “I am wiping Hulk Hogan’s blood on my chest!” “Hardcore Holly sandbagging me? WHOOPS, SORRY ABOUT YOUR NECK.” “The Rock is the champ, let me beat him in ten minutes and be so awesome that everybody cheers me and boos him.” Honestly, I think the Eddie Guerrero feud is the only time I ever wanted somebody to beat Brock.
The other reason I like him is because of Paul Heyman, and my love of wrestlers who say things that make sense. I got worried when Heyman started in with the “you’re gonna disappoint YOUR FAMILY” stuff that is basically Triple H catnip, but when he came around to his point, it was valid: Brock Lesnar only fights when he gets paid to fight because he’s a professional athlete, Heyman is aware of how stupid emotional HBK and HHH are and can get them to do whatever he wants by mildly pissing them off, and Brock Lesnar is a monster who breaks arms and loves it. How great is that? That’s so much better than I GAVE MY HEART FOR THIS BUSINESS or whatever. I actually BELIEVE this one.
Best: Hey Look How Good Wade Barrett Could’ve Looked This Entire Year If You’d Let Him Stop Wrestling Randy Orton And Win A Match
I like to think Wade Barrett did the sad Peanuts walk into the arena, dropped his duffel bag with his color-coded elbow pads on the ground and just kinda shuffled up to the dry erase board expecting to see “RANDY ORTON D. WADE BARRETT WITH RKO IN 1:30” for the 15th week in a row. But then his eyes light up because he’s got a match with ZACK RYDER, so he yells “F**KING FINALLY” and jogs off to press his Fatal Fury jacket and jam out to ‘Send Away The Tigers.’
The Bullhammer even looked okay tonight! He took my advice and just decided to run at people and elbow them, which is good. Also good was Zack Ryder’s complete non-reaction, because it means that maybe we’re finally over THAT thing.
Worst: The Miz Trying To Get Over A Talking Point
The only bad part of the match was The Miz, for two reasons:
1. When you ask The Miz to get something across to the crowd, he can’t do it normally. He has to just keep repeating it until he’s told to leave. Last night the point seemed to be “I’m studying tapes of Wade Barrett so I can do well in our match at WrestleMania.” So instead of just saying “I’ve been watching tapes of Barrett, I can see his moves coming. I’m going to win,” Miz is just “I STUDY TAPES, I WATCHED TAPES OF HIS MOVES, I WATCHED TAPES AND SAW THE BULLHAMMER ELBOW HIS SIGNATURE MOVE THE BULLHAMMER ELBOW, I WATCH TAPES, TAPES IS WHAT WE DO, WE WATCH TAPES.” And 40 seconds in you’re like “Jesus, Miz, enough with the tapes.”
2. My biggest pet peeve with WWE right now is how into “getting inside _____’s head” they are. People just announce that shit. CM Punk gets asked about the Undertaker, and the first thing he says is “I don’t mean anything I say or do, I’m just trying to get into the Undertaker’s head.” Miz is standing outside the ring yelling “KEEP TALKING, WADE BARRETT, YOU KNOW I’VE GOTTEN INTO YOUR HEAD.” Isn’t the point of getting into somebody’s head that you, I don’t know, do it subtly, so the “being in their head” thing gives you an advantage? If you clearly tell them you’re getting into their head, what’s keeping them from responding with “you don’t mean anything you’re saying or doing and you’re just acting this way to throw me off. I won’t let it get to me, and I’ll beat you with wrestling moves”? SHUT UP ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE CLANDESTINELY DOING, NERDS. Announcing something doesn’t make it so.
Best: Santino Learns A Valuable Lesson About Not F**king With Brickie
I like to think the whispered conversation between Maddox and Vickie post-“Santino saying Brad Maddox pooped his pants” went:
Brad: “put him in a brad maddox on a pole match against brad maddox”
Vickie: “Don’t be stupid, we’re going to let Mark Henry eat-destroy him.”
Brad: (with his face) “OH WOW YEAH THAT’S A WAY BETTER IDEA.” :D
There was so much to love here. Santino returning, because despite him being the King Of Pandering, he’s a talented wrestler with great comedic timing and is a good hand to have around when you need someone to get flattened. Any and all Brickie content on Raw. Mark Henry responding to the return of The Cobra by just shoving Santino away and tree-trunking him in the throat. The two-f**king-second duration of the match, which is the only way Mark Henry vs. Santino should go. And most of all, Mark Henry stopping Ryback’s charging threat by getting on the microphone and announcing that HE KNOWS THEY WANT TO GET THEIR HANDS ON EACH OTHER AND TOUCHING EACH OTHER WOULD BRING THEM JOY, BUT TONIGHT IS ALL ABOUT SMILES.
I still haven’t figured out what Mark was going for there, but if this ends with Mark and Ryback dating it’ll be the most unexpected end to a WrestleMania match ever. It’s not even that weird. Remember, Mark Henry (the character) had an in-canon, sustained sexual relationship with his sister and got a blowjob from a transvestite on Raw. He’s DTF. Maybe it’ll get Ryback to calm the hell down.