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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 4/1/13: WrestleMania 29 Is In Six Days, April Fools! Wait, What

By / 04.02.13

Best: The Funkadactyls Rule

I legitimately love the Funkadactyls. Naomi has been very good for a while, but even Cameron was okay here. Sure, she’s doing the jumping “tuck your knees” Divas clotheslines and those headscissor combos that don’t make a lot of sense, but she’s QUICK about it, which almost no other Diva is. She moves with urgency, and when you keep her in a tag team with Naomi, man, that’s a good combination. They also have a built-in gimmick, and Brodus is kind of adorable waving around pom poms outside of the ring.

A couple of notes:

1. Cameron used the Christy Hemme “falling vagina press” standing split thing to one of the Bellas. She studied the early masters like Melina and Alicia Fox, but I thought Christy was before her time. A student of the game! I wonder if she also suffers from hungry ass?

2. I hated Jerry Lawler’s incredulous “this is a GOOD MATCH!” thing. Not only was it ignorant, but now Vince is gonna connect “good match” to “Divas,” get all red in the face and relegate them to dancing in place amidst Diddy at WrestleManias This One through Forever.

Anyway, more of this, please. Also, more of this:

Bella Twins Rhodes Scholars

Best: The Bellas As Lady Demolition

A tag team of similar looking yet absolutely not identical people who wear strappy bondage gear and use their skill to defeat spunky young tag teams. Yes, the Bella Twins are Demolition, and I’m glad one of them got implants so they’d have to be an actual tag team, and not just an extended three year joke about how they look alike.

A fun thing to do now that we know way too much about the Bella Twins’ love life is to ask people on the Internet which twin is their favorite. One of them is dating Daniel Bryan, and the other is dating John Cena. The one that dates John Cena (Nikki) got implants. This is the easiest, least reasonable way for wrestling fans to pick their favorite Bella, right? “Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella are in love! She’s a natural beauty! They take wholesome Instagrams of themselves riding bikes or lying around with their pets!” And on the other side, “John Cena made Nikki Bella get implants! He just got divorced! He’s awful to women! She’s a rebound/slut/something/something else!” They should come up with a combo finish suplex and call it the “Madonna/Whore Com-Plex.”

Best: Cody And Damien Are Best Friends

THEY ARE WEARING EACH OTHERS’ SHIRTS.

MY HEART.

I CAN’T.

Worst: The F**k Is A Rockpocalypse

loooooooool.

You know those hastily thrown-together Price Is Right or Family Feud or carnival games garbage video game companies make for the Wii and release for 10 dollars at Targets so Grandmas and the impressionable will think “WHAT A DEAL, I LIKE PLINKO” and buy it, unaware that they could’ve crammed a waffle into the front of their Wii and gotten a more fun experience? Yeah, welcome to ROCKPOACLYPSE, a game so bad it doesn’t even get its f**king play on words correctly. A-Rock-alypse is RIGHT THERE.

Here’s the plot:

What do you do when a mysterious contagion takes over Hollywood, turning everyone from the actors to movie executives into infected hordes bent on destruction?

Well, if you’re WWE Champion The Rock, there’s only one option — put boots to every single one of their asses.

Here’s a better description of the plot:

You know those keychains that say “kiss my butt” and “go to hell” when you hit little buttons? This is that, except a crudely drawn Rock drops an elbow on a crash test dummy we’re pretending is a zombie police officer or whatever, who cares, f**k you. You watch wrestling. Buy our garbage.

Worst: Tout Is Now Officially Just A Social Media Site For People Who Know Wrestling Catchphrases

Here’s a recap of the people who got Touted on TV last night, in case you don’t want to watch the clip and decide to never watch wrestling again.

1. A guy who thinks he looks and sounds like the Rock, so he does a jumbled Rock impression, totally unaware that he looks way more like Fat Joe.

2. A probably 12-year old redhead who has just learned to talk and loves John Cena. Y’GAWN WIN IT!

3. Two TERRIFYING ladies who finish each others sentences, speak with the passion of a young Ben Stein and make me wonder if Zaphod Beeblebrox ever got into watching pro graps.

4. Four (!) guys who are TOTES gonna try to get laid at WrestleCon reciting catchphrases out of context and YELLING IN THE LOUD FUNNY WAY about KNOWING YOUR ROLE and CENATION FOR LOIIIIIFFEEEEE. I want to edit myself into the end of their video. Just me way in the background shouting CELTIC WARRIOR.


Continue Reading 'The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 4/1/13: WrestleMania 29 Is In Six Days, April Fools! Wait, What' »
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TOPICS#BEST AND WORST OF RAW#PRO WRESTLING#WWE#WWE RAW
TAGS3MBAJ LEEALBERTO DEL RIOANTONIO CESAROBELLA TWINSBIG E LANGSTONBIG SHOWBRAD MADDOXBROCK LESNARCAMERONCHRIS JERICHOCM PUNKCODY RHODESDAMIEN SANDOWDaniel BryanDOLPH ZIGGLERDWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSONFANDANGOJACK SWAGGERJBLJohn CenaKANEMARK HENRYNAOMIPAUL BEARERPAUL HEYMANRANDY ORTONRYBACKSANTINO MARELLASHAWN MICHAELSSHEAMUSTHE MIZthe rockTHE SHIELDTRIPLE HUNDERTAKERVICKIE GUERREROWADE BARRETTWrestlemaniaWRESTLEMANIA 29ZACK RYDERZEB COLTER

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