Worst: AGAIN, ARE YOU SERIOUS
I can’t with these Team Hell No/Prime Time Players matches. I just can’t.
On the upside, the announced Team Hell No/Undertaker vs. The Shield match for next week’s Raw should be f**king BOSS, assuming they let it be what it can be, and do not use it as an excuse for Roman Reigns to beat up Daniel Bryan for 4 minutes before Kane and Undertaker show up and hit chokeslams. Knowing my luck, the match will get changed to “Team Hell No and a mystery partner vs. The Prime Time Players and a mystery partner,” with both mystery partners being invisible. ERASE YOUR DRY ERASE BOARD, GOD.
Best: Bully Ry
And now, the most unexpected Best of the night: Ryback’s “why I attacked John Cena” promo being good. Really good, actually.
Like anybody who watches Impact (or in my case, reads Danielle’s Best and Worst of Impact Wrestling report), it reminded me of Bully Ray explaining in detail why he decided to sham marry Brooke Hogan and invite a bunch of bikers who are also ex-WWE wrestlers to invade the promotion he works for. This is great because it draws upon simple, real, recent history to explain character motivations, something that has been missing in wrestling for a long time.
Sadly, it’s not something most people WANT in wrestling. They want stimulus response and instant gratification. Wrestling fans aren’t generally the types who understand the value of earning an emotion, they just wanna say YOU SUCK at the guy in pink trunks because TURN YOUR BRAIN OFF or whatever. It’s fine. It’s like when I asked the people down the row from me at Elimination Chamber how they could cheer Miz and wear John Cena shirts, because Miz had been so cruel to Cena for so long, and was told “it doesn’t matter.” Stuff doesn’t matter. People are okay with this.
My only real gripe is that WWE made a point to explain that Ryback is both a chickenshit and boring. Cena openly said that Ryback’s explanation of his actions was boring. What did you want, John? Did you want The Rock to do that thing where he doesn’t explain anything, he just says buzzwords and catchphrases because those are easy to remember and ELECTRIFYING~? Don’t you WANT an explanation? If somebody runs into my car, I’m not going to stop them in the middle of their “sorry, I wasn’t paying attention and my brakes went out speech” to tell them how un-entertaining they are.
Worst: Welcome Back, Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett
Before WrestleMania, IC Champ Wade Barrett was stuck in this rut where he’d win every Intercontinental Title defense, but lose every non-title match, and only ever wrestle non-title matches. It was weird. I think he lost to Randy Orton on 70 consecutive episodes of Smackdown. He lost the belt at WrestleMania and we thought, “okay, now his thing is done and he can move on.” You know, like Antonio Cesaro on this same show.
Well, he didn’t move on. He got a rematch the next night on Raw and won back the IC title, drilling Miz with the best-ever Bullhammer elbow. We thought, “okay, I guess now that we don’t have to build up the top guys for Mania we can give him a real IC title run.” Then, last night, he loses a non-title match cleanly to R-Truth, who is basically the worst guy you can lose to.
So … welcome back, horrible pre-Mania Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett. I hope you enjoy your job.
Best: This Was Seriously The Best Match On The Show
It’s not a joke when I say that Rhodes Scholars vs. Santino and The Great Khali was the best match on the show. I’m not PROUD to say it, and the match wasn’t GOOD, but it was the only one I could figure out a way to enjoy.
The real money of the match was Cody bailing to the outside and getting a Cobra to the stomach by Hornswoggle. He did what any of us would’ve done: no-sold it, then grabbed Hornswoggle by the collar and yelled YOU’RE NOT EVEN DOING IT RIGHT. This allowed Sandow to roll up Santino, because I guess you have to roll-up Santino to pin him, and held the tights, because I guess you have to hold the tights when you roll-up Santino to pin him, and get the victory.
Not a great thing at all, but it was momentarily funny and Rhodes Scholars got a win. Sadly, the best wrestling Best on the show.
Worst: Welcome Back To Forced Irrelevance, Fandango
I don’t even know what to say about this. WWE has no idea how to be happy, do they? Something happens organically to give them a little pop culture boost, and their response is to immediately, heinously destroy it.
There was no reason to have FANDANGO LIVE ON RAW TONIGHT graphics throughout the show. There was no reason to give Fandango a spotlight promo where he basically just does what he always does but takes 10 minutes to do it. Remember last week when he was hurt after Jericho’s attack and still agonizingly corrected the ring announcer? That’s the Fandango we like. Not the one who says that we should “go Fandango ourselves,” which doesn’t make sense because
1. “Fandango” doesn’t sound like “f**k” or any synonyms that could mean f**k
2. “Fandangoing ourselves” should be a positive in the eyes of Fandango
3. When Fandango invites you to “go Fandangoing with him,” it shouldn’t mean to stand in place and make dance fingers and hum his music, should it? He should mean “go elaborately ballroom dance with me.”
I just don’t know what they wanted us to do. Was this supposed to make us like him more? Hate him more? Couldn’t they have just given him a match against Primo or whatever so the crowd could do the humming and dancing in peace?
Let yourselves be happy, WWE. It’s easy.