Best: BILL REGAL
I read back over the first few pages of the report and thought, “man, I sure am talking a lot about NXT. I’m going to relax on that for the rest of the column,” and then BILL F**KING REGAL walks down the ramp. If you haven’t seen the Regal/Ohno from NXT earlier this month, watch it. Buy Hulu Plus and watch it. It’s like 8 dollars a month, stop being weird. It’s the best show WWE puts on by miles and miles and miles.
Best: So Are We Fandangoing Again? Is That Still Okay?
The match was way too short, but Fandango got to look like a beast, because Regal can do in 2 minutes what Jericho can’t in 15. See how Regal actually looks like he’s getting hurt when he wrestles? Yeah, you’re supposed to do that. Not just whip your head back and hold your arm and eventually pretend nothing happened like basically every other wrestler in North f**king America.
On the plus side, the European crowd is back from their vacation in New Jersey and we only had one week of assy South Carolinians between their shows. I thought Fandango was on life support after last week’s horrible waste of time, but it looks like we’re back to full health. Or, you know, we’re allowed to leave the hospital. The music got a big reaction, the dancing was lively, the humming was loud, and hey, we even got an (I’m assuming) permanent dancing girl in (you guessed it) NXT’s Summer Rae!
If you’re not familiar with Summer, she’s the best parts of Kelly Kelly and Stacy Keibler in one lady. This also explains her wrestling ability. Great spot for her. It’s also really, really funny to me that Fandango’s dancing lady has no allegiances, she just dances when a partner demands it. There is some serious The Red Shoes shit going on with these women.
And, because it must be said, minus infinite cool points to Fandango for his continued aping of Bray Wyatt’s Sister Abigail finish.
Best: Oh Man, How Sad Is this Battle Royal
I love a good battle royal. I love a bad one even more, and this one featured FIVE WOMEN. Five women does not a battle royal make, guys. AJ, Naomi, Aksana, Tamina and Layla, who is so barely British the crowd doesn’t even remember to cheer for her. That’s not a battle royal, that’s an “over the top rope challenge.” It’s especially not a battle royal when you have the announcers explaining how you don’t even have to go over the top rope, you just have to go through them. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN TONIGHT’S MAIN EVENT IS TWO WOMEN STANDING NEAR A RING, WE’RE GONNA CALL IT AN IRONMAN MATCH, FIRST ONE TO REALIZE SHE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OUT THERE AND LEAVES LOSES THE MATCH
I always enjoy these things. My only complaint is how “Divas Battle Royal For #1 Contender To The Divas Title” is lazy as hell, especially if you’re gonna let AJ win it, because AJ and Kaitlyn have a lengthy, detailed history together and AJ’s connection to Ziggler and his crew makes for an easy story. AJ’s crazy and opportunistic, and she’s got help. Kaitlyn’s an underdog, and the one lady who could be on her side (Vickie Guerrero) hates her as much as she hates AJ. But she’s strong, and she’ll keep throwing those jumping shoulderblocks at whoever gets in her way, Big E Langston be damned. The last person she’s going to let steal her dreams is the best friend who abandoned her as soon as she got popular.
But no, “she won a battle royal so here you go” is a way better story.
Best: AJ Lee, Because Seriously
AJ was AMAZING in this match. The highlight, of course, was AJ realizing that Tamina Snuka was the toughest and strongest person in the match, assumedly remembering all the unfinished tension they had together last year and thinking Tamina’s probably gay, and she’s cute so she should just go for it en route to being superkicked to death.
That led to her brava performance as a dead body, tricking Layla into trying to drag all 75 pounds of dead weight out of the ring before springing to life and eliminating her. That terrible run as general manager makes us forget how good AJ actually is sometimes, I think, and I’m happy to see her get to do something besides “wrestler’s girlfriend.”
Best: The Team Rocket Specific Backstage Fallout
They really do run this show. At least the backstage addendum parts.