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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 4/29/13: Tug Of War, Dancing Contests And Mystery Gifts

By / 04.30.13

Best: Please Let Kaitlyn’s Secret Admirer Be Goldust

You know how I know ‘Total Divas’ won’t enhance my ability to enjoy womens’ wrestling on WWE TV? Because the only two things they know how to do with women are

1. Put them in battles royal

2. Have them bump into each other backstage and call each other names

That’s it. Adding 22 minutes of Natalya justifying her “farting girlfriend” paycheck by saying she’s a role model for little girls isn’t going to help.

Anyway, one of WWE’s worst tropes (the “we ran into each other and YOUR A BITCH~” thing) was elevated to GLORY by the likability of the performers involved and ended up being one of my favorite segments on Raw. It’s impossible for me to see AJ, Dolph and Big E interact without smiling. Dolph complimenting Big E (but not enough to take the shine off of HIS performance) was great, as were the natural chemistry between Kaitlyn and AJ and the continuing callbacks to their years of history together. AJ telling Ziggler to hold her back and the total lack of effort she put into trying to intimidate Kaitlyn were amazing.

That led to the totally-naturally-timed delivery of a MYSTERY LOVE PACKAGE that was CLEARLY from Road Warrior Hawk circa 1983, a new WWE mystery and the best part of all: Natalya being the most worthless woman on WWE television, somehow. Listen to her. She shits on Kaitlyn’s present to try to get herself over, then when Kaitlyn’s like “no, I like it,” she starts talking about how cool it is. She goes from “it’s kinda ugly” to “it’s beautiful” in 24 seconds. YOU ARE BARELY A PERSON, NATALYA. Kaitlyn’s response should’ve been “you don’t like my hat? You’re f**king an Ent and your asshole smells like Hornswoggle’s house. Go f**k yourself.”

I know the logical conclusion is that Cody Rhodes is the admirer, but if the payoff is Goldust showing up and just breathing all over her I will be the happiest boy. Hey, it’s got precedent … Goldust loves muscly blondes and NXT contestants.

Ryback Rules

Best: Ryback Is Suddenly The Most Reasonable Guy On This Show

Last week’s Best and Worst of Raw column featured a Best entitled, “Ryback Is Totally Correct, For The Record.” If you didn’t read it, it’s about how his complaints are justifiable, and how Mick Foley has no business showing up and making these character demands of Ryback to stick up for John Cena, the worst and most opportunistic person on the show. It’s the issue of someone who we don’t like who is right arguing with someone we like who is wrong.

Suddenly, Ryback is one of the most well-written and logical characters on the show. I don’t know how it happened. The guy was yelling about food a month ago, and now he’s brilliant. He approaches John Cena (approaches, not attacks) in the locker room and inquires about Cena’s foot injury. Cena makes up some goofy thing about how he’s “hurt, not injured” because SYNONYMS and Ryback’s just like, “nope, you’re going to be a liability.” He goes to Brickie and tells them that he isn’t going to be in the match tonight, because Cena’s injured and he doesn’t want to be left alone to get beaten up by The Shield again. Vickie tries to satiate him by putting Team Hell No on his team, but Ryback’s been there and done that, and refuses.

It’s not something the WWE Universe LIKES, because from a distance it looks like Ryback’s being a “coward” and not having faith in Cena or whatever, but he’s totally right. Team Hell No can’t get the job done against The Shield. Cena’s ankle is (and ends up being) a liability. He’d be walking into an unnecessary loss and getting his ass kicked. He’s got a title match coming up. He’s staying out of harms way to be healthy. Cena’s not even taking a day off when he tears a muscle in his foot. One of these people is stupid. The other one is Ryback.

Worst: Can We Get A Salad Place To Deliver A Bag Of Carrots To Jerry Lawler Or What

WWE should consider not having the 70-year old man who recently had a heart attack in their “we’re excited to eat this garbage!” promotional skits. Although hey, a supplementary Best goes to WWE for their accurate depiction of Domino’s Pizza. You order the pizza, it takes forever and they deliver it to the wrong people.

Best: STFU, Zack Ryder

Zack Ryder, a man who is an astronaut suit away from cosplaying Jack Swagger Of Mars, walks out to insult Zeb Colter by showing the finish from Colter’s match earlier in the night. Here are a few things to remember:

1. Zeb Colter has had about as many matches on Raw this year as Zack Ryder

2. Zeb Colter was at WrestleMania, Zack Ryder wasn’t

3. Zeb Colter was participating in a match to decide the stipulations for a World Heavyweight Title match at Extreme Rules, Zack Ryder will not be involved in that

4. Zeb Colter lost his match via flash pin. Ryder is about three minutes away from losing via submission, tapping out after being in the hold for about four seconds.

5. A non-wrestler getting pinned by another non-wrestler is not that big of a deal anyway, it’s not like Cena got pinned by Ricardo

6. Zack Ryder is not Ricardo Rodriguez, and his character is not associated with Rodriguez or Alberto Del Rio in any way

7. Isn’t what Zack Ryder’s doing right now the announce team’s job? Or are they too busy ordering pizzas on the Internet?

8. f**k Zack Ryder


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