Worst: And The Rest!
the hell is this match
If you’re like me, you saw 3MB going up against the Italian Arthur Rosenberg, the black Stan Stansky and their less-important-than-Rosenberg-and-Stansky friend and thought, “okay, who is debuting to beat them all up?” It’s the show after Mania, major things are happening and six goofy chumps are going at it in the ring. Mason Ryan, maybe? Is Mason Ryan still a thing?
But then it was just … uh, a match. My only working theory is that WWE was worried that the crowd was getting out of hand, knew a Randy Orton/Sheamus match was coming up next and needed something to bore everybody and cool them down. So they thought, “hey, these guys never get a reaction, let’s send them out and make them WRESTLE, HAW HAW.”
Spoiler alert: That did not work.
Best: You Know That Was Totally When Triple H Was Supposed To Give A Post-Match Speech, But He Chickened Out Because Of The Crowd
I was in the SummerSlam crowd that chanted “you tapped out” and “na na na na hey hey hey goodbye” at Triple H. I watched him take a week off to distance himself from that, then show up on Raw to deliver the same “I’m sorry, I love me” act to get the reaction he thought he deserved at SummerSlam. And sure, he probably took the week off for “arm injuries” (read: to get the deadly jizz burns off of his stomach) and there’s no conspiracy to be had, but man, I would’ve loved Triple H standing in the ring trying to wank and dick joke this crowd.
Remember that Survivor Series when CM Punk was getting bigger cheers than DX or the Hardyz, so H took the microphone and was all, “oh hey, Triple H thinks you should cheer for CM PUNK” to bogart the reaction? Yeah, he’s not above it. WWE, please hold all shows in front of crowds like this so Triple H will not appear. Please and thank you.
Worst: What’s My Line
The best part of the show was easily Randy Orton interrupting Sheamus in the ring, forgetting his lines, then pausing, walking up to Sheamus and repeatedly saying “what’s my line” until he came up with something shitty and they jumped to commercial break. When they came back, they had Brickie cut to the chase and be all “oh so you BOTH want a match against Big Show,” because apparently Randy Orton has never taken level one improv anywhere and couldn’t just make up some shit about how he wanted a match, since, you know, he shouldn’t be expected to follow his own stories or pay attention to anything he’s done or said. Big Show knocked you out at WrestleMania and you JUST recorded a thing where you asked Booker T for a match against Show. JUST MAKE SOMETHING UP. “I want a match with Show and I deserve it more than you” is not Oscar Wilde, you Burgertime f**king hot dog.
Best: Orton And Sheamus As Goldberg And Brock Lesnar
The WWE Fan Nation video skips all of that, fills up most of the clip with Brickie and the backstage segments, and jumps right to the end of the match. What it misses is the greatest ever example of a crowd saying “f**k it” to playing along and shitting all over a boring, pandering, unimportant match between guys they hate. FINALLY.
None of this made sense. Orton and Sheamus both wanted a match with Show. Sheamus asked the lady in charge of Raw. Orton asked the guy from Smackdown for whatever reason. In theory, that alone should’ve been an excuse to say “it’s Raw, Sheamus gets the match.” Instead they do a poll, asking the WWE Universe who they think should wrestle Show, and they overwhelmingly pick Orton, because the only people voting on the app are people who’d want to see Randy Orton. So that’s reason to say “Orton gets the match.” Instead of either of those things, they have a flubby mic exchange and end up being put in a match against each other for the … I don’t know, prestige of facing Big Show later? They aren’t having a title match. Why couldn’t they do a triple threat, or take turns?
So the crowd recognized that the match was stupid garbage and treated it appropriately. They chanted “END THIS MATCH,” “RVD,” “JBL” and anything else they could think of to pass the time. Sheamus and Orton just obliviously ignored them, doing their same bullshit match as they were told, not once considering that they should have a little fun and actually play to the crowd they’re paid to play to. They went through the entire 15 minutes of motions en route to the finish the crowd would’ve loved three minutes in. It was a weird “us vs. them” thing, and if WWE learns anything from Monday night, it should be that fans are better when they’re allowed to live and breathe. How much more fun does this show seem than a normal Raw? This is what you want casual fans to tune into … crowds that cannot stop having fun, even when your show sucks. That’s basically Nitro in a nutshell, isn’t it?
Best: Thank You Big Show Clap Clap ClapClapClap
Took you long enough.