Best: Poor Unfortunate Souls
Credit to Danielle for that joke. I was just gonna call him Kratos.
Undertaker’s entrance was my very favorite part of this match, and I’m not a mark for Undertaker entrances. I don’t do the “goosebumps” thing most people do, I just see a weird tall guy in bat wings. But here, the imagery was too cool to deny. I just wish they’d had the souls dressed like wrestlers he’s beaten at WrestleMania. Kamala soul! A really big Giant Gonzalez soul, which would explain why he’s so low to the ground*. Get Tensai to play himself!
*Because he has trouble standing up, not because he’s dead.
Worst: I May Not Have Enjoyed This As Much As You And I’m Afraid To Mention It
This is probably a result of not having seen the match on tape yet, but … I didn’t love this, and I feel like maybe I’m wrong. When I watched it I thought Punk was EXCEPTIONAL with all his mannerisms and callbacks and supreme cadre of dick moves (pulling out the Old School and getting away with it was especially choice), but the finishing stuff felt wrong … I mean, Undertaker pretty much straight-up no-sold an Anaconda Vice, then totally no-sold a Go To Sleep to hit his finish and win. It wasn’t even an All Japan delayed sell thing, he just ignored it because UNDERTAKER and WRESTLEMANIA. And yeah, I know that has a place and I’m not complaining about it too much, but … I don’t know. I’m not sure what I’m trying to say. When it was done, I didn’t feel that WOW, WHAT A GREAT MATCH rush I get. It just felt like Punk doing one of those Undertaker matches.
I talked to a lot of people who thought Punk was going to win, and it says a lot for the impression Punk’s made on people. The guy is 1/3 of the Undertaker’s size. He just finished an angle where he had the upper hand the ENTIRE time, going into Undertaker’s 21st WrestleMania match. Taker had just beaten Shawn Michaels twice and Triple H twice. The match went on third to last. People STILL thought Punk was going to win. That’s a dedicated fan base. At least the girls on the Fairview Inn shuttle didn’t have to riot and destroy the place.
I would like to personally recommend that everybody IN that passionate fan buys the new CM Punk shirt, because Jill Thompson drew it, and Jill is the most amazing.
Best: Guess How Much Of Triple H/Lesnar I Watched
I don’t want to say this like I’m proud of being some kind of smarmy anti-fun asshole, but as soon as they started putting SKULL MOUNTAIN together on the stage, I bailed. I spent the majority of the match hanging out with the cats from TJR Wrestling and Sims, laughing about pro wrestling and having fun while these two beefy identical dudes put each other in armbars.
I wandered back into the walkway and watched the last few minutes, and I feel like I got the gist of it. I came in just when Triple H was kimura locking Brock, and Brock was trying to break it by slamming him on some steps. I got a sledgehammer shot, a pedigree onto steps, Triple H being TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY FINE despite the 24-ish minutes of (I’m assuming) armbars and weapons shots, and … yeah, this is what it was. It was that kind of unfortunate wrestling match where you know one guy’s winning and they keep sorta limply trying to convince you that he won’t. You know, the kind of match they did three times in a row to end WrestleMania.
I didn’t know until I saw a bunch of viral videos and memes this morning that Brock Lesnar had done a weird yell. That’s going to be my first chapter search when the blu-ray comes out.
Worst: Where The F**k Is My Rhodes Scholars Match?
WHAT THE HELL, MAN
As weird as it was that they set up Mania’s matches like they did, putting all the undercard stuff first and doing all the big matches with similar times and set-ups and executions right in a row, I was still expecting something to buffer the next-to-last “big” match with the main-event. I thought for sure when we got to Swagger/Del Rio that the Funkasaurus/Tensai/Funkadactyls vs. Rhodes Scholars/Bella Twins thing was going to be five minutes of dancing and splashes to let us cool down.
Instead, Triple H finally disappears to back, and suddenly RAPPADOO. I was all ready to write a thing about how Cody should be wrestling Goldust and how Damien Sandow should be in at LEAST Jack Swagger’s position and how Naomi is great and “Hoss Funk” is the best name for Brodus and Tensai and just … nothing. Just rappadoo. And nothing + rappadoo is SO MUCH WORSE than nothing.