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The Dugout: Jean Machi’s Hilarious Farts

By / 04.19.13

If you missed out on this week’s big baseball news, San Francisco Giants relief pitcher Jean Machi farted in the Giants bullpen. This is seriously the only important thing that happened in baseball this week. What are we supposed to write about, Derek Jeter being injured? Alex Rodriguez being cleared to walk on a treadmill?

Actually, that is kinda funny. So hey, while I think of some gay stereotype things to type in capital letters about centaurs, please enjoy today’s edition of The Dugout, which is about Jean Machi’s awful, stank butthole.

The Dugout

 

**Online Host**
Welcome to the San Francisco Giants Bullpen Chatroom!

 
HachiMachi: /picks nose, looks at it  
 

**Online Host**
MijaresFallingOut has entered the chatroom.

 
MijaresFallingOut: sorry I’m late. this seat taken?  
GoodGaudinHeaven: whoa whoa whoa, psst, hey, hey you  
MijaresFallingOut: what  
GoodGaudinHeaven: you don’t want to sit right there  
AffeldtABoob: Yeah, that’s “Pooped His” Jeans Machi, he just sits on the bench shittin’ himself all day, it’s literally the worst  
GoodGaudinHeaven: turds all day long  
AffeldtABoob: yep, lays so many turds you’d think he was in the Cardinals bullpen  
MijaresFallingOut: shit, alright  
HachiMachi: //does that gross burp where he doesn’t burp outloud but you can see him do it in his throat and swallow it all uncomfortably, which is way worse than just hearing somebody burp  
MijaresFallingOut: eesh  
AffeldtABoob: we have to lay a blanket down if we know he’s gonna sit.  
GoodGaudinHeaven: I have literally poured out a Gatorade cooler full of pre-sprayed liquid Febreze onto his corner of the bench and it hasn’t helped  
AffeldtABoob: drops his manfume wherever he rests  
GoodGaudinHeaven: those ladies who sniff garbage on TV and say it smells like a picnic have never met Jean Machi  
AffeldtABoob: started calling him “stank abbott.”  
GoodGaudinHeaven: we wrote a parody song about him set to Salt N’ Pepa’s ‘Shoop’ called ‘poop’ and it is hilarious, we made it up ourselves  
SMiLE: jean machi doesn’t have a chin under his beard, he has another fist!!  
MijaresFallingOut:  
AffeldtABoob:  
GoodGaudinHeaven:  
GoodGaudinHeaven: why the f**k are you still here, I thought you were dead  
AffeldtABoob: yeah didn’t we get rid of you finally  
GoodGaudinHeaven: I thought you’d retired to be the wall at Spencer’s Gifts full time  
AffeldtABoob: are you even a pitcher still  
SMiLE: :(  
 

**Online Host**
SMiLE has shuffled away.

 
GoodGaudinHeaven: the world’s pretty bad right now, but at least that guy’s not still a thing  
GoodGaudinHeaven: anyway, Jean Machi smells like an asshole is what we’re getting at  
HachiMachi: /starts licking his thenar space for some reason  
MijaresFallingOut: you guys are dicks  
MijaresFallingOut: we’re just a couple of Venezuelan guys trying to make it in the bigs and all you can do is be haters because Jean doesn’t “smell right” like you want him to, and because he’s…  
MijaresFallingOut: the f**k is he doing now  
HachiMachi: /leans forward
/grimaces
/lifts both legs
 
MijaresFallingOut: i uh, think he’s just getting comfortable  
MijaresFallingOut: f**k it, I’m gonna sit right here. Right here next to my good buddy Jean!  
GoodGaudinHeaven: your funeral  
 

**Online Host**
MijaresFallingOut has settled into the seat beside HachiMachi.

 
MijaresFallingOut: how’s it going, friend, what a beautiful day for a ball game, let’s play two, am I right /pats Machi on the back  
HachiMachi: i liek tortles  
MijaresFallingOut: me too, buddy, I like turtles too, turtles are great  
MijaresFallingOut:  
 

**Online Host**

giants dugout fart gif

 
MijaresFallingOut: AW YOU RANK MOTHERF**KER  
SMiLE: got heeem  
Photos link to player info. The Dugout

[GIFS courtesy of Deadspin]


TOPICS#MLB
TAGSBaseballBRIAN WILSONCHAD GAUDINJEAN MACHIJEREMY AFFELDTJOSE MIJARESSAN FRANCISCO GIANTSTHE DUGOUT

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