Last week we debuted the first installment of our weekly and possibly infinite series This Week In Horrible-Looking People, dedicated to the best and worst of pro wrestling 8x10 promotional photos. It featured (among other things) Linda McMahon looking like a U.S. President, the happiest photo Kevin Nash has ever taken and a Triple H/Chyna promo shot that is clearly just two cardboard cutouts propped up side by side.
This week is loosely dedicated to remembering the good old days, back when Kurt Angle was a regular looking dude, Mickie James was a psychotic lesbian stalker and Dolph Ziggler entered the ring via trampoline. I think he was the trampoline one. Anyway, I've gathered 51 more random, amazing WWE promo photos from the 1990s, 2000s and today, and I hope you enjoy them.
Except the Michael Hayes one. Nobody could enjoy that.
There should be a midget dressed like Earthquake standing beside Jimmy Hart, wearing a jacket with Jimmy Hart on it.
Poor Debra. Nobody could make a bra to support the weight of her massive boobs, and she had to walk around holding them up like that.
Reminder: there was a year or two between "condescending surfer" and "Rated R Superstar" when Edge did ALL OF THE DRUGS. ALL OF THEM. If you moved the tattoo on his arm to his belly-button, he'd be Batista.
This is the only acceptable response to Eugene:
If you don't remember, Hornswoggle was once an incredible character. He was a monstrous leprechaun who emerged from beneath the ring solely to be used as a foreign object by his master/father/whatever. Now he just stands next to other freakshow character and claps and dances for the enjoyment of children. It's pretty bad when you get demoted from "object."
Flash Funk, the lovechild of Koko B. Ware and The Undertaker. Also, Jeff Jarrett's hat.
IRS is one of the best and most illogical characters ever. There is a 100% chance that he's thinking, "I bet that photographer is a TAX CHEAT."
"All right, Ivory, in this photo we're gonna focus on how far your nipples have migrated from their natural position. We may have to do it in panorama."
Pro wrestlers or B.A.P.S. cosplay? You decide.
God, Ariel was glorious. Kevin Thorn was the exact opposite of Ariel. What kind of vampire wears a sleeveless snakeskin trenchcoat?
Oh, that kind.
Here is Jillian Hall's WWE career trajectory:
1. lady with a thing on her face
2. lady who had the thing on her face eaten off by the Boogeyman
3. bad singer
"hi, I'm Johnny Parisi. You may remember me from STEROIDS."
This picture is great if you imagine Coachman is ripping a megaton fart, and we're seeing the heat from it. Or he's propelled by a jet engine from his ass. Either way, congratulations on having promo photos like this forever, ESPN employee!
Cigarettes are always a great wrestling prop. See also: R-Truth's heel turn and that weird run where The Giant would smoke while beating up jobbers. Also a great wrestling prop: Raven dressed like an idiot.
I miss this guy so much. There is nothing I want more in wrestling than for this Kurt Angle to come back. NOTHING.
Maybe one thing.
Wrestling pro-tip: If you see a guy with an Asian-sounding name and he's wearing a mask, he's not from Asia. Sorry, wrestling fans, but to Vince McMahon, "the Orient" or "the land of the rising sun" mean "New Jersey" and "Puerto Rico" respectively.
I think I just blew my L.O.D.
Best part of this photo: Animal is wearing an In Memory armband for HIMSELF, because he knows his career's about to die.
"We've got a cowboy character, and he looks kinda feminine and non-threatening. What should we do?"
"Give him a jacket that makes him look like the ceiling of a hotel lobby."
This picture should be handed out to children on their first day of school, labeled "TRY VERY HARD TO BE THIS."
Woo woo woo, you ... know even less than the last time I made this joke.
WHO DO YOU WANT TO HUG, ADORABLE U.S.A. MARK HENRY? IS IT ME, BECAUSE I HOPE IT IS
I love that the difference between heel Mark Henry and face Mark Henry is "colors." Remember when he was MVP's smilin' best friend, and he wore that red singlet that made him look like the Kool-Aid Man? QUICK, SOMEBODY DRAIN HIM OF ALL COLOR
I can't decide if he's trying to eat her, or if he's a vampire and we've just surprised him by turning on the lights.
Their mission: Golden Corral.
Here's my latest piece, entitled, "Grandpa Discovers Gadzooks."
Haha, what the hell is she doing here? Assembling monkey bars?
Quick, name somebody with a career worse than Mordecai's!
Remember when WWE was running Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice angles with Jamie Noble, Nidia, Torrie Wilson and Billy Gunn? When you think about it, the PG era isn't that bad.
Artists rendering: The Prime Time Players as one guy.
Here's Owen Hart, being amazing and looking like the bird from Up at the same time. Reminder for any WWE wrestlers in developmental worried about looking stupid: remember, WWE once had OWEN HART and wanted him to look like this.
When the hell was Papa Shango signing autographs for people?
Baby Randy Orton will still go to the papers (if he has to).
I had a great joke lined up for this photo, but I slipped up and dropped it.
Renee Dupree, looking like every male and female character from 1990s teen movies and TV shows at once. Zack Morris, Jason Biggs ... uh, Marla Sokoloff (I don't know how else to explain his massive breasts) ...
More wrestlers that look like Repo Man, fewer that look like Renee Dupree, please.
Actually, this is a nice compromise.
nope, too far
He isn't just good at the ring, he has MASTERED it! Spoiler alert: this guy's career never takes off.
THIS guy on the other hand ... MONEY. Second spoiler alert: his shirt slogan spells out "shit." Third spoiler: "shit" is supposed to be a joke, I think
Scotty 2 Hotty in his late career gimmick of "rocket pop."
Shawn Stasiak is here and he is BLOOD RED and SO MAD AT YOU and he's either pooping or going Super Saiyan, one or the other
My favorite thing about Skinner was his finish, where stabbed you to death with a knife and removed your skin.
Here's a fun game: find the World Heavyweight Champion in this photo! Second fun game: introducing yourself by screaming your first name.