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The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 5/23/13: The Worster Man

By 05.25.13

Worst: Whoomp, there’s a worst

James Storm needs a tag partner, and we’ve been led to believe that this is a Really Big Deal™. He’s already turned down Chris Sabin in an incredibly awkward fashion. But he still needs a partner, because, as we all know, women love a good tag team….wrestler.

Mecha Shiva come out, and thankfully Aries let’s Bobby Roode do all of the talking. Roode is actually one of the better parts of this segment, making salient points and heeling his little Canadian face off. Bad Influence come out, and I know what you’re thinking – another best is coming, right? They’re always funny. They’re consistently the best non-Joseph Park part of the show. They…are not this time. Not even close.

Worst: Oh good, let’s make this a thing

Kazarian: “People have claimed that they’re offended, have they not? *pointed look at Austin Aries* But we’re the only ones who have a legitimate reason to be.”

Wow. Just…wow.

It made me really happy last week to see mostly positive responses to page two, and my reaction to what happened between Aries and Christy Hemme. Obviously the responses weren’t all positive, because this is the internet, and we can’t have nice things. So for those of you who think that she shouldn’t have said anything, you know what? Yes. Yes she should have. If she felt harassed or uncomfortable in any way, it is her right to stand up and say no, that should not have happened. It is also her right, however, not to be harangued or persecuted by her coworkers for making that decision. If this is what’s happening on television, I can only imagine the unpleasant environment being created for her off screen. To those who say there’s no point in complaining, or standing up because it’s wrestling, or it’s TNA, and it’ll never change, I would like to give one great big hearty middle finger to you. The rights and freedoms you currently enjoy had to be fought for, and they had to start somewhere. Being a female who has chosen a career in a male-dominated industry, is no easy task. Writing about said male-dominated industry? Also not easy. One negative word about someone means that I clearly must not know what I’m talking about. The countless hours I spend reading about or watching wrestling mean nothing compared to a male who has made the exact same point. His experiences and judgments aren’t questioned, and definitely not to the degree in which a female writer’s will be. I am 100% positive that Brandon or Bill Bicknell or Thomas Holzerman have never received slanderous emails accusing them of sleeping with wrestlers, or the insinuation that the only reason they’re involved is with the sole purpose of going to bone town with some indie dude. And lord help you if you criticize a female wrestler, because clearly, we’re all just jealous. It has nothing to do with an analysis of the skill and entertainment value being presented in a match. It’s because we wish we were famous or pretty or skinny or dating someone in the industry, or whatever other bullsh**t misogynistic opinion seeps its way out of the lizard part of your brain you use when commenting on the internet. Wrestling has always been a boys club, and like any industry dominated by men it is a struggle – for respect, for rights, and the same basic common courtesy you would deign to treat anyone else with. Whether it’s a female wrestler, commentator, announcer, writer, it doesn’t matter. Equality doesn’t happen instantaneously, and it will never happen when repulsive attitudes as demonstrated by Kazarian in this segment are allowed to prevail.


Ahhh. That’s better. Of course I love Shark Boy. I love Shark Boy so, so much. A dude pretending to be a shark who thinks he’s Stone Cold? Yes. That is a thing I love. I loved when he tagged with Curry Man. If I could turn this entire column into seven pages about how awesome Shark Boy is, I probably would. But If I can’t skip it, and I can’t fill it with this gif over and over and over, we’ll have to move on. Even if I don’t want to. DON’T LEAVE ME SHARK BOY I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’RE GONE.

Best: Beer Bros, Bro

Robbie E? It’s…it’s like TNA knew how godawful this show was, and decided to throw me a bit of a bone. Maybe Robbie E and Shark Boy could team up. They could be Shark Bros, and just show up every time someone did something stupid or misogynistic or racist or homophobic or there was a bad wrestling match, and make me happy. In other news, Impact is proud to announce that they’ve fired the rest of the roster, retooled the show, and will now be known as the Shark Boy and Robbie E Variety Hour.

Worst: BOOO


Worst: lol Gunner

Because lol, Gunner. I guess it’s not all bad. I mean, he knew he’d have to work hard to win me over, so he attached a fluffy baby otter to his face in hopes of distracting me away from the fact that Gunner is a thing on my television in 2013. Well played, sir. Well played.

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