Worst: The Sting Senility World Tour
Sting has been given a tag match on next week’s episode of Impact against Devon and Bully Ray. He doesn’t have a partner, and now that hot property Gunner is taken, clearly he wants to get his gloved old man hands on Abyss. Joseph Park insists that he doesn’t know how to get ahold of Chris, you know, his brother Abyss. Sting’s response? “You’re gonna kayfabe me all the way on this one.”
Do I even have to point out how infuriating this is? That a man who wears face paint, pretends to be the Crow, pretends to be the Joker, and most recently pretends to be a viable number one contender for the World Championship, is going to call someone out for kayfabing? When it’s canonically established that Joe Park and Abyss are brothers, wiping all that away by insisting that they’re the same person? Look. I’m not stupid. But if I’m going to be immersed in a kayfabe universe, I’m gonna go with it. If I’m going to throw myself 100% into loving a company currently running a time-travel story arc, that also features dudes with baseball faces, anthropomorphic ants from space, a goblin who watches YouTube videos on his crystal ball, and an insect overlord and his pumpkin-based friends, then yeah, I’m gonna go along with two people presented as brothers. Ugh. You frustrating senile old man. This table flip is for you.
Worst: Velvet Sky
Man, I wish I could be that terrible at my job. I am, in fact seething with jealousy. Maybe later today I’ll go to work, stand around awkwardly, and then knock over an entire pile of shoes. And not even clean them up.
Best: Mickie James
Mickie James is a good wrestler when she wants to be, and the only redeeming part of the match was her nasty shoulder block to Velvet Sky’s injured leg. It looked brutal and effective, and also gave us this picture which, admittedly, makes me lol forever.
Worst: AJ Styles joins Aces & Eights. OR DOES HE?
*eyeroll* He does not.
Aaaand that was the show. In summation…
Now go. Enjoy your long weekend. Pretend none of this (except Shark Boy) ever happened. Go barbecue something or watch fireworks or go to work on Monday like the rest of us here in the Commonwealth. Just…do something that doesn’t involve this episode of TNA. You’ll be much, much better off. See you next week!