Best: The Wyatt Family + The Shield Winning An Awesome 20 Minute Tag Team Match = Me Ignoring This Happy Birthday Segment
The appearance of The Miz was the beginning of the end for this Raw. Most of what came before him was great — the exceptional tag team match, Dean Ambrose rocking a US title defense, matches at the next pay-per-view getting formal stipulations and a mild decrease in references to A New Way To Watch Television — and what came after him was … uh, The Great Khali singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to Natalya. Because he can’t speak. That’s the joke.
It keeps getting worse, too. The next hour involves Hornswoggle, the Bella Twins making Natalya cry because “bitches vs. emotionally fragile women” is WWE’s only Divas story, Chris Jericho cutting a promo about how Paul Heyman is a fatty fat fat and 15 minutes of Randy Orton, but Daniel Bryan and The Shield busted their ass for 15 minutes and the goddamn Wyatt Family approaches, so things will be fine. I will sit through a full hour of Khali singing if it gets me to the Eater Of Worlds.
But hey, seriously, does Natalya know WWE put her in the Oddities? She’s out there with the super tall guy, the super short guy, the super fat dancing dinosaur guy and the guy who downgraded his gimmick from “dick ring.” Does she know where she is?
Worst: One Quick Worst, Though
Poor Jinder Mahal had to wrestle The Great Khali and nobody mentioned the whole “sending Khali’s sister into poverty” thing.
Worst: At Least She Isn’t Farting
The Internet loves when I get preachy about women, right?
Imagine this scenario. Imagine that Randy Orton and Sheamus are wrestling Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow (it’s easy if you try). It’s Randy Orton’s birthday! At the end of the match, Sheamus accidentally Brogue Kicks Orton. Sandow knocks Sheamus off the apron and pins Orton. After the match, Sandow and Rhodes grab microphones, sing a condescending version of ‘Happy Birthday’ to a recovering Orton and make “loser” hand gestures on their foreheads. Orton begins to sob, and Sheamus has to climb back into the ring and comfort him.
Aside from how f**king hilarious this would be, you’d think Orton was the shittiest wrestler ever, right? A guy who can’t handle two guys who are obviously assholes trying to give him grief. He can’t just stand up and kick them in the face, or give them a convoluted DDT, or whatever he does … he’s too overcome by emotion and sad about what happened on his birthday that he just rests there on his knees crying into his hand until they go to commercial. You would be 100% correct.
That’s all I’m saying.
Worst: Why Are You Guys Cheering For Chris Jericho Here, Or
Worst: You Have The Long-term Memory Of A F**king Doorknob
This is the thing I hate most about WWE, if I’m being honest. Not the racism or the homophobia or the slut-shaming or the midget-gawking dick jokes or whatever. The thing I hate most is that WWE has f**king Changnesia, and nobody cares.
When a good guy turns bad or a bad guy turns good, everything they’ve ever done is erased and forgotten. It’s like being baptized, only it can happen constantly. For example, remember when we liked CM Punk? He was the WWE Champion, changing the company for the good. Being the voice of the voiceless. He got falsely accused of “copying” Chris Jericho, a guy we hated, and when Jericho realized everyone knew he was full of shit, he resorted to the most awful, underhanded stuff he could imagine. He accused Punk of being an alcoholic. He brought up Punk’s father issues on TV. Called out Punk’s sister for being a drug addict. He even went so far as to attack Punk with a bottle of liquor and pour it all over him. Twice! All because he wanted to prove that he, and not Punk, was the best wrestler in the world.
Here, the same Chris Jericho is upset that the same CM Punk is calling himself the Best In The World. He wants a match against Punk to prove it, even though he already HAD the match to prove THIS EXACT THING already. He threatens Punk’s manager to make it happen. Meanwhile Punk is at home, taking time off to deal with the personal trauma of coming up short in a marquee match against the greatest WrestleMania opponent possible in a huge main-event at WrestleMania. Only now we like Jericho and don’t like Punk, so the crowd cheers Jericho, even when he’s threatening a non-wrestler who is way smaller than him, gave him a break in the wrestling industry and is clearly a huge coward.
Best/Worst: Sandow Vs. Sheamus
If you missed Smackdown, Sheamus answered Damien Sandow’s Gordian knot challenge. He fails, of course, because Sheamus can’t think more abstractly than “wear red underwear instead of green.” Sandow explains the solution to the Gordian knot, and Sheamus responds by trying to kick him. Sandow escapes, however, seeing it coming a mile away, announcing that Sheamus couldn’t figure out the mental puzzle and resorted to brute force. Sheamus isn’t shamed by this at all, and attacks innocent announce guy Matt Striker, throwing him into Sandow on the outside. He says something stupid and the crowd laughs and claps their hands, because they are seals.
I encourage Damien Sandow to continue exposing Sheamus for being wrestling’s Forrest Gump, a guy who just HAPPENED to be sitting on the turnbuckle when famous celebrity John Cena jumped backwards through a table and ended up an unlikely WWE Champion. A guy who just keeps showing up in the right place at the right time, pooping in stolen cars and trying to attack anybody smarter than him. The only downside is that in feuds like this, the dolt face must prevail, usually every week for an entire quarter, so … yeah, I appreciate the effort.
Worst: Cody Rhodes’ Horrible Body Color
I don’t know if the picture does him justice, but Cody was straight Cheeto orange. It’s sad when you’re in the ring with Randy Orton and YOU’RE the unnaturally orange one. I don’t think that’s happened since Orton was young and full of water and wrestling Hogan. For a second I thought maybe he’d pulled a Michael Nakazawa and loaded up on tanner so he’d be slippery enough to avoid Orton’s obsessive rope-hang DDTs (or make him slide right off and powerslam himself on one of those “powerslams out of nowhere”), but nope, he’s just orange as f**k.
My theory during the match is that Cody had gone on a tropical vacation over the weekend. Either that or his body is started to transition to its natural, golden hue. Somebody get him a body suit covered in tribal.