Worst: Three-Minute Armbar, The Match
Yo, are we all on the Curtis Axel bandwagon yet? Because HOLY SHIT, Y’ALL
Best: Curtis Axel Defeats People By Making Them Forget They’re Supposed To Be Wrestling
Curtis Axel is so f**king boring he’s defeating the biggest superstars in WWE by boring them so close to f**king death they forget they’re wrestling at all. He is the Deep Blue Something of professional wrestlers. Last week he’s being introduced to the crowd, so Triple H interrupts, pretends he’s not there and addresses Paul Heyman about Brock Lesnar. Later, they have a match, which Axel technically wins when Triple H wanders outside, gets SUDDENLY SUPER TIRED and just sorta lies on the ground in a waking coma. He can’t remember where he is or what he’s doing. Then the show goes off the air without a match result announcement, because Curtis Axel is so boring he made the WWE production team forget they were filming the main-event of Raw.
Then this week, Curtis Axel gets a match with John Cena. In the middle of it, the crowd turns away and starts looking in the opposite direction. Curtis Axel is so boring people in the front row of Raw are forgot they were watching wrestling. Axel just sorta holds an armbar and haplessly pushes John Cena’s face FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES until everybody remembers where they are, and the match continues. Then, just before John Cena effortlessly dispatches the kid, he wanders out of the ring and up the ramp to examine an ambulance that has just driven in. He gets counted out. Curtis Axel is so boring that John Cena decided to look at a car instead of finishing his wrestling match.
This is basically the best character they’ve ever created.
Best: GHOST AMBULANCE
90% chance Sid was driving that ambulance.
(10% chance it was Hornswoggle.)
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Triple H did have a concussion, but then he flexed real hard and called the concussion a bitch and now he’s better!!
DAVID LEE ROTH?
Kaitlyn should walk in and say “Eww this place has old man smell” after everyone leaves
If you tune into the WWE app now you can listen to HBK talk about the Illuminati and their weather machine that caused the tornado last week!
YOU WEAR SPARKLE JACKET EVERY WEEK! YOU CANNOT BE MAD AT HIM FOR WEARING THE SAME SUIT!
So THAT’S what ScarJo whispered at the end of Lost in Translation.
The tone of voice the announce team takes during Diva’s matches is the vocal equivalent of an old man slapping the ass of a passing hostess at a Men’s club.
At home, Rey Mysterio’s daughter just burst into tears as the memories she’s been surpressing for 3 years just came back to haunt her.
In honor of Memorial Day, here is a dishonorably discharaged Marine.
I’m worried that WWE officials have stopped telling Cesaro where the events are being held.
See you next week.