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The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 6/27/13: Mad Wankey

By 06.28.13

Worst: More like the Wretch Division, amirite?

To be fair, the match didn’t start off that bad. The front flip dive to the outside from “Suicide” was real pretty, but everything after the break? Woof. Consummate Best-getter Kenny King isn’t even a blip on the radar screen of “Things Danielle Enjoyed About This Match.” He actually seems to be getting worse as each week goes by. It’s slow and plodding, and pretty much the opposite of anything that should get you excited about the X-Division. Suicide is a whole other issue in and of itself, but more on that later.

The finish of the match is almost as bad as that time RVD forgot to kick out of a pin, so the ref had to run his hands over RVD’s face at the last second so he wouldn’t have to finish the three count. Watch as Kenny King desperately flails his hands around like Velvet Sky pretending she’s in pain so he won’t touch the ropes and jack the finish. Upon further inspection I am wearing loafers, and this match is a mess.

Worst: Revisionist History, Part Deux

*deep breaths*

Okay. I can get through this.

*more deep breaths*

As someone who desperately clings to kayfabe as much as possible in a so-called “post-kayfabe” era, unmasking someone is a pretty big deal. I mean, I am a girl who is writing this under the watchful gaze of an UltraMantis Black poster. It’s not something to be taken lightly, and really, unless it’s part of an apuesta de mascaras, I get real nervous when someone starts reaching for those mask strings. All week long Impact Wrestling has been hyping the reveal of Suicide’s identity. Obviously that was my first signal to ready all of the table-flipping gifs I can find.

perkins

At the end of the X-Division match, Hogan brings out TJ Perkins, well known independent wrestler, and helpfully explains that he is the REAL Suicide, and has always been Suicide. This is where it gets tough. We can accept that at face value, knowing full well that is very much false thanks to any working knowledge of either Perkins’ career or, I dunno, the ability to use Google (or Bing, if you’re that person). As hamfisted as it was, Hogan just did something to establish canon and every part of me wants to go along with it. But why reveal who he is in the first place? If you’ve already worked to establish a character’s backstory through numerous shows and an entire goddamn video game, why suddenly pull the rug out from underneath all of that? Why not just get your graphics fellow to have a big flashing Titantron sign that says WRESTLING IS FAKE through this whole segment?

Clearly this Suicide moves and wrestles differently than the previous shows he’s appeared on. Even without the reveal, it’s pretty easy to figure out who is under there. Had TNA spent longer than five minutes thinking through how this was going to play out, I’m sure they could have come up with a way to do this without basically shitting on the entire concept of masked wrestlers or wrestlers with characters or wrestling in general. The worst part is that this in no way had to happen. The reveal later on ensures that. Were I an actual anime character, instead of just having hair like one and constantly having a piece of toast hanging out of my mouth as I write, this is where I’d be comically slamming my face into my desk shouting “BAKA! BAKA!” over and over again.

Best: The previous Worst, but for the TL;DR crowd

Best: TJ Perkins, Hilariously Injured Dude

perkins 2

What is it, TJ? Are you hurt? Is it appendicitis, brother? It’s appendicitis, isn’t it? *cut to a slow motion dive offstage as TJ Perkins explodes into a shower of checkerboard shorts behind him*

Best: Tazz

Thanks for reminding us all that this was a thing that happened:


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TOPICS#IMPACT WRESTLING
TAGSACES AND EIGHTSAJ STYLESAUSTIN ARIESBOBBY ROODEBULLY RAYCHAVO GUERREROCHRIS SABINHULK HOGANJAMES STORMJESSIE GODDERZKENNY KINGKURT ANGLEMAIN EVENT MAFIAMICKIE JAMESMR. ANDERSONROBBIE ESAMOA JOESTINGsuicideTARATHE BIG OTJ PERKINSTNATNA PRO WRESTLINGTNA WRESTLINGVELVET SKY

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