The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 6/27/13: Mad Wankey

By: 06.28.13  •  31 Comments

Worst: More like Gut Wretch, amirite?

Now, I get a lot of blowback regarding my assessments of the previous Gut Check matches. I have rarely, if ever, enjoyed one based on the merits of the wrestling alone. This is not an exception.

The guitar-licking fellow seems competent enough, but any offense he’s trying to throw at Mr. Muscles is met with more no-selling than an ROH pay-per-view. I know he’s supposed to look big and strong, but we can’t all live in good intentions, and it makes him look like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. I watched this match three times in an attempt to be fully objective and explain why I don’t care for it, and it went from hilariously bad to just hilarious. Mr. Muscles looks lost half of the time, his ring awareness is questionable at best, and his fall down-stand up-fall down-stand up-fall down-stand up sequence is unintentionally the funniest part of this entire show. Look, I fully believe in supporting independent wrestlers. If I had my druthers I would have turned this entire column into a hype article about tonight’s Saint Louis Anarchy Circus Maximus show as soon as TJ Perkins came on screen (and also have a legit reason to flood you with pictures of Jojo Bravo). But these Gut Check segments, if anything, don’t demonstrate that TNA has picked out the best of the best. It makes most of these wrestlers look silly and weak, and like independent wrestling is a dumb joke. You want a dumb joke? Big O, your O-Zone is making me want to Climate Change the channel.

Ba-dum-bum tissshhhhh.

Best: Oh Mickie, you’re so fine


You’re so fine that you are beyond a shadow of a doubt the best part of this show. Your mic work is spot on, your pigtails are super cute, and I am so, so sorry for what happens next.

Worst: There’s no crying in baseball

As Craig Finn would say, lord, I’m discouraged. Whenever you stand up and say “I am a person on the internet, and I have an opinion,” the doors opens for people to discuss (shout) why they think you are wrong. A number of people have disagreed with my assessments of Velvet Sky in the past, which is fine. I disagree with your opinions of Magnus. We are all different people. However, this match is indefensible. At this point I’m not sure if TNA is trying to sell her as a legitimate wrestler still, or if someone in the writer’s room is really into publicly humiliating her. I guess we won’t know for sure until she shows up performing lewd acts in a bakery in Budapest.

The most disheartening thing was seeing people’s reactions to it on twitter. Obviously the Impact hashtag is not always a bastion of logic and respectful wrestling commentary, but seeing someone tweet that segments like this is why they refuse to support women’s wrestling is potentially the most frustrating and infuriating thing about the entire show. Yes, it’s pretty idiotic to judge an entire type of wrestling by one thing (I don’t like the taste of Listerine, so I’m giving up on oral hygiene altogether!), but this should prove to TNA that everything they’re doing is setting back everything they managed to accomplish in the past. Remember when Awesome Kong was kicking the shit out of Gail Kim on the reg, and Gail was dishing it back as hard as she got it? Remember Raisha Saeed? If you don’t, please do not read any comments on YouTube about a woman wrestling in a hijab. Regardless, for every step forward you take, you take twenty steps back when you allow whatever the heck she just did to happen. It’s not even the crying I have an issue with, per se. Frankly, if I showed up at my real job and shit the bed as hard as she just did, I would be crying too. Indefensible.

bald ref

Best: Bald Ref

Bald Ref insists that there’s absolutely nothing different about the way Suicide performed in the ring earlier in the show, then eagerly runs off to find Suicide and convey a threat from Hulk Hogan. Oh, sweet, naïve bald ref. I want to wrap you up in a blanket, make cooing noises at you, and feed you cupcakes and cotton candy.

Worst: Magnus defeats Bobby Roode

Best: Bully Ray stalks the locker room

chavo bros

I’m pretty sure he just walked in on an HGH deal, though.

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