The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 6/27/13: Mad Wankey

By: 06.28.13

Best: Bros, bro!

Friendship-based wrestling is the best wrestling, forever and always. I know this is a big dumb set-up so James Storm can misunderstand the meaning of the word “bromance” and call Robbie E. and Jessie gay while Gunner titters in the background, because lol gay, but come on. Let’s just take a minute to appreciate Robbie E and Jessie getting to be bros on television, and this time with Tara instead of Chavo.

tara bros

Me too, Tara. Me too.

Obviously I am all over a bro tag-team. Kane and Daniel Bryan? You better believe I’ve got the t-shirt about hugging. Was there ever a time I was more emotionally distraught then when Green Ant and Fire Ant turned their back on Soldier Ant at Under the Hood? Well….yes, but it involved the complete and utter destruction of the company I loved the most. Am I completely obsessed with Uhaa Nation and Akira Tozawa listening to Motley Crue and doing flips, or just kind of in general? Well, yes, but you should be too. So as I said, let’s all take a moment to appreciate the magical adventure we’re about to embark on with these two getting more screen time together. Or watch Mad Blankey videos on YouTube. Either option is a good time waiting to happen.

Worst: James Storm is here, he thinks you’re queer, and he thinks that’s wrong so get used to it

Sorry about your damn homophobia, misunderstanding of common portmanteaus, and outdated notions of masculinity.

Worst: Three-Sux Mafia

And your newest member of the Main Event Mafia is….Samoa Joe!

Yes, that’s right! The same Samoa Joe who did not come out to help Sting fight Bully Ray, leading him to form the Main Event Mafia. The same Samoa Joe who got his hand smashed with a baseball bat by Sting, the leader of the old Main Event Mafia. The same Samoa Joe who was jumped and beaten by the Main Event Mafia, only to eventually turn heel and join up with them. The same Samoa Joe who had to be paid to become a member of the Main Event Mafia, but then helped beat up Sting and oust him from the group so Kurt Angle could take over.

Real family – they always stick together.

Best, or at least what could have been the best: Suicide revealed!

I’m not going to shed a Frankie Teardrop over how good this could have been. Now that we all know it’s Austin Aries (except Bald Ref, who I assume is still roaming the halls on his quest to deliver Hogan’s message), come on, of course it was. During the show I was chatting with someone who had already seen it, and stopped the conversation to say “oh f*ck, it’s Austin Aries, isn’t it.” That run, Austin. You can move your hands out to your sides as slowly as you want, but hoo boy you cannot disguise those teeny tiny stutter steps.


Regardless, the idea that Austin Aries would fight through the X-Division to become champ, and use that to propel him into a title shot against Bully Ray is brilliant. Thanks to TJ Perkins being dragged on stage despite the clear fact that he was about to shit himself, that story is a lot flimsier, and all he had to do was steal a costume and beat slow-as-molasses Kenny King. It’s still compelling, and I’m looking forward to their title match, but goddamnit. You were so close, TNA. So close.

Tune in next week when Velvet Sky reveals that she’s actually Old Man Withers from the amusement park, and James Storm learns that platonic love can exists between two men.

Yeah. And monkeys might fly out of my butt.

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