In case you were just content with taking a night off from sports last night (or you didn’t want to see an already meaningless awards show become much more meaningless with the addition of Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith) you didn’t miss a whole lot at the 2013 ESPY Awards on ESPN. The show’s host, Mad Men star Jon Hamm, did about as well as a charming and funny guy could do in a room filled with self-important professional athletes more concerned with preserving their brands and images than they are about laughing at themselves, while a bunch of athletes were given trophies that were far less meaningful than the things they received them for.
The ESPYs weren’t all terrible, though, as they were good for some laughs (Hamm’s Dwight Howard bit was very close to my heart) and especially some very heartfelt moments. But what you didn’t see on the live broadcast were some of the less important and superlative awards that were handed out to some of the other athletes and celebrities in a ceremony before the show.
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The ESPY for Best Reminder That When It Really Wants To Be, ESPN Can Be The Best At Reminding Us Just How Important We Should Feel To Be Alive, And How Inconsequential Sports Are In The Grand Scheme, Because What Matters Is That We Enjoy The Time That We Have With The People We Love went to… Robin Roberts winning the Arthur Ashe Courage Award.
This should have been its own show. I still have goosebumps.
The ESPY for You Really Should Have Just Given Out Two Or Three Awards After The Robin Roberts Segment And Then Went With This Idea If It Was Really The Best You Could Come Up With went to… the replacement ref bit with Jack McBrayer.
Actress Selena Gomez was on hand to both present and accept her own ESPY for Best Typical Woman Who Just Keeps Accepting The Douchebag Boyfriend Back Into Her Life. She also received the Tina Turner She’ll Never Learn Award.
Former Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Marisa Miller actually took home several awards, including: Best Reminder That This Was Kate Upton Before Kate Upton Was Kate Upton.
Best Celebrity Or Model That People Forgot About Because She Was Pregnant Who Then Showed Up At A Meaningless Awards Ceremony Like, “What’s Up Now, Suckers?”
Most Likely To Make Pregnant Women Everywhere Scream At Their TVs And Make Their Husbands Sleep Outside
Malin Akerman received Honorable Mention for each of those previous awards that went to Marisa Miller. Sorry, but there can be only one winner.
On the men’s side, Jason Sudeikis took home the coveted Luckiest Son Of A Bitch On The Face Of The Planet Lifetime Achievement ESPY For Excellence In Locking Down Olivia Wilde.
Kevin Bacon was the recipient of the Check Out This Poor Short Bastard Standing Next To The Female Athlete With Legs Longer Than The Track At Talladega trophy.
Our favorite Nebraska Cornhuskers fan in the world, Jack Hoffman, not only very rightfully won the Best Moment ESPY for his big touchdown run at Nebraska’s Spring Game, but he also scored the ESPY for Go Ahead And Let This Kid Get A Hug From Marisa Miller And Olivia Wilde While He’s There, He’s Earned It.
U.S. Women’s Soccer National Team goalkeeper Hope Solo received the ESPY for Excellence In Seeming Much Nicer When She’s Not Sitting Next To Jerramy Stevens.
Meanwhile, Solo’s teammate Alex Morgan earned the coveted OH GOD JUST MARRY ME ALREADY.
Michael Phelps shocked a lot of people when his name was called for the David Justice/Halle Berry Getcha Some, Playboy ESPY for his girlfriend Win McMurry.
Joe Flacco and his pregnant wife were pleased to learn that they received the ESPY for Hold On I Have To Make Sure This Wasn’t Photoshopped Because She Looks Like A Smurf Next To Him.
Chrissy Teigen was on hand to present an ESPY, but she also received one for Best Reminder Of Why Everyone Should Aspire To Be An Incredibly Talented R&B Singer.
In addition to hosting, Jon Hamm actually received the ESPY for Most Appreciated Reminder That Even Ridiculously Handsome And Charming Men Can Have Their Derpy Moments, Even If He’s Still Way More Handsome And Awesome Than We’ll Ever Be In Those Derpy Moments.
The Best Performance In Keeping It Tight ESPY was given to former U.S. Softball star Jennie Finch.
The ESPY for Outstanding Achievement In Making Me Yell, “SHE’S STILL ONLY 17, YOU PERVERTS!” At My Computer Monitor went to Olympic superstar McKayla Maroney.
Finally, the ESPY for Best Reminder That 15 Minutes Are Short And Sweet was presented to Katherine Webb, whose face after Jon Hamm’s Manti T’eo joke makes me think she’s a blast at parties.