Over the weekend, reports that Texas A&M’s Heisman Trophy winner quarterback and righteous party animal Johnny Manziel had been kicked out of the 2013 Manning Passing Academy started spreading like wildfire. Naturally, because of Manziel’s bottle-popping past, the reason for his departure was immediately linked to him showing up late to camp sessions because he was out late partying with his best bro and Alabama Crimson Tide QB AJ McCarron the night before.
However, ESPN’s Chris Mortensen received word yesterday from a Manning camp spokesman that all of those rumors are just big, fat lies perpetrated by the haters, because Archie and Peyton Manning are totes cool with Johnny Football, y’all.
“Johnny Manziel did participate in some activities in the 2013 Manning Passing Academy as a college counselor/coach,” the statement said. “After missing and being late for practice assignments, Johnny explained that he had been feeling ill. Consequently, we agreed that it was in everyone’s best interest for him to go home a day early.”
“I enjoyed meeting Johnny,” said Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning “I can remember a 20-year-old Eli [Manning] missing a meeting and catching some flak. We always have counselors who leave early. Johnny was great with the campers for the time he was here. He had to leave early. I wish him the best and I want him to come back as a counselor next year.” (Via ESPN)
Sure, we can dismissive wank until our arms go numb over the fact that Manziel just so happened to be “ill” on a Saturday morning, when this photo was Tweeted of Manziel and McCarron with their “favorite Bubbas bartenders” on Friday night, and because he’s also apparently suffering from dehydration like 90% of American college students. But then we’d be calling Peyton Manning a liar. Besides, I was able to get an exclusive statement from Manziel about what actually went down on Friday night, and I think we can take him at his word.
I want to make one thing perfectly clear – I was not getting ‘faced with my bros on Friday night. Me and Ass Job (that’s what I call AJ McCarron, because he loves to tongue plunge) were indeed hanging with Peyton and Eli, who are totally cool bros despite being really boring, and my bros Boner Bill and Jungle Fever drove up over from College Station because they were evicted from their apartment after someone took a dump in the pool. It was me, but I digress.
We were slammin’ some oyster shots and Ass Job was all like, “Bros, check it out, this looks like a vagina!” and I was laughing so hard, because that sh*t was hilarious. And then Boner Bill came back from nailing this waitress in the bathroom, and he was like, “Guess what I had for dinner” and he burped in my face, and I threw up because that sh*t was gross.
So I wasn’t drunk sick. I was just stinky pink sick. Huge difference. Anyway, I’ll be back at Manning camp next year, and I promise to fulfill my duties as judge of the wet t-shirt contest.
High fives and Jager bombs,
(Photo via Getty Images)