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The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 7/12/13: Where The Surf Is High And The Seagulls Cry

By / 07.12.13

Worst: I can’t listen to that fart video again

But yes, it is also appropriate for this.

Every bit of my Royal Rumble lovin’ heart likes the changes to this traditional tag gauntlet. A new entrant comes in every two minutes, but instead of a pinfall elimation, you have to throw your opponent over the top rope. Big ups to the person at TNA who also has the complete Royal Rumble DVD collection for that one. Once the field is narrowed to two, the top rope stipulation ends and a pinfall or submission victory is necessary. I like it. I LOVE tag gauntlets, and I LOVE rumbles, so marrying the two is a good way to make me interested.

While watching with Impact Buddy Chris Sims, I commented that if Magnus wins, we should all just hold hands and walk into the ocean. Magnus going over Bobby Roode by pinning him with his little bitty Brity piggy toes? Ain’t no one got time for that.

But no. Seriously. Watch Magnus’s cloverleaf. Then watch this. Then, if you’re me, get your boyfriend to put you into a cloverleaf the way Magnus does it just so you can be sure of how legitimately awful it is.

Take my hand, friends, and we’ll head east ‘til we smell the salt.

Best: Chris Sims is here to save the day

And save you all from pictures of Kevin Sorbo and dismissive wanking gifs. Sims is a gifted writer (no really, buy this if you haven’t already). So gifted, in fact, he actually manages to explain the end of the show in way that almost makes me interested. Almost.

Best: I Love It When A Plan Comes Together

In retrospect, it should’ve been pretty obvious that the big reveal for the Main Event Mafia was going to be Rampage Jackson, which is probably why Danielle called it as a joke last week. They’ve been teasing his appearances forever and just stopped talking about him long enough for us to sort of forget he was around. Either way, I am truly delighted by this development — not because of the time-honored tradition of the Celebrity Tough Guy Enforcer keeping order in the ring, but because TNA Impact Wrestling just straight up became an episode of the A-Team.

Seriously, this has become exactly the kind of goofy action story that you could only get from mid-80s TV. There’s a wrestling promotion where the roster’s being hassled by a gang of bikers who want to take over their business. They’ve tried to fight them off, but they just keep getting outnumbered, and to make things even more dicey, the boss’s daughter has been tricked into marrying the bad guys’ leader. The only guy who can take them out has a good heart, but darn it, he just came back after two ACL surgeries, so he can’t fight off an entire gang. They’ve run out of options.

They had a problem.

No one else could help.

But they found them.

And they hired actual real-life B.A. Baracus (or at least the guy who played him in the movie) to take on all the bad guys so that they can settle things in a clean, honest wrestling match. The only way this could be more of an 80s TV show is if KITT and Airwolf were brought in to make sure Aces & Eights didn’t escape on their motorcycles.

I kinda want to go to there.


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TOPICS#IMPACT WRESTLING
TAGSACES AND EIGHTSAJ STYLESAUSTIN ARIESBEST AND WORST OF IMPACTCHAVO GUERREROCHRIS SABINGUNNERHERNANDEZHULK HOGANJAMES STORMJAY BRADLEYJEFF HARDYJESSIE GODDERZJOSEPH PARKKAZARIANKURT ANGLEMAGNUSMAIN EVENT MAFIAMANIKMICKIE JAMESROBBIE ESAMOA JOESTINGsuicideTARA

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