The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 7/25/13: More Like Law & Odor, Amirite?

By: 07.26.13  •  27 Comments

ILU Trent

Best: I love you, Greg Last Name I Still Have To Spellcheck

Sweet merciful Zoidberg, I could watch him land on Rock Star Spud’s face all goddamn day. All. Goddamn. Day.

Here’s an idea: Let’s scrap everything else (they’ve basically started to already), and we can just have an entire show of Joe Park and Greg….M. going on fun adventures together. Fishing with EY and ODB, smiling and clapping with Mike Knox, awkward conversations with Gunner…it’ll be brilliant. They could road trip across America in a two-hour long Postcards from Uncle Traveling Matt. In this situation I am Gobo, but if Gobo were overcome with wrestleswoons and spent the entire time lying on the floor in a state of sheer happiness. And also not a Fraggle.

phone hogan

Best/Worst: Phone!Hogan

Hogan used an iPhone properly (kind of) in a backstage segment. *sniffle* My little Hulkster is all grown up and effectively fake-using real devices. I’m so proud.

Worst: If you tolerate this…

Official petition to skip every single Suicide retcon/unmasking to just watch Manic Street Preacher videos instead. Because really, you stole the sun from my heart, and every time you unmask someone it makes me want to die in the summertime. So just condemn me to rock & roll, please and thank you, ‘cuz this girl’s got nothing.

Somewhere Wade Barrett just got a phantom boner.

Best, but begrudgingly: Ultimate X

Somehow I ended up watching numerous past Ultimate X matches on Wednesday, and man, this is…not them. But then again, given the dumb real life stuff and lack of an X-Division stacked with dudes like Amazing Red, MMMG, Christopher Daniels, Curry Man, Shark Boy (I miss you 24/7, Shark Boy), Young Bucks, and so on, and so forth. But to be fair, this wasn’t terrible. And not terrible is, as I’ve said before, the most I can ever hope for.

The spots on top of the steel structure always end up seeming awkward, because you think someone’s gonna go for something crazy and insane, but in reality they just slap each other around and try not to fall down before they’re supposed to. Here I don’t really mind the scaffolding bit not being utilized as much, especially when wrestling down below was way better. Marasciulo, darling….oh. Oh how I do love you. Be on my TV every week like you always should have been.

There are little things I love in wrestling – tiny little details that most of the time go unnoticed or no one cares about. The spit-sell is my favourite. Big Boss Man was exceptional when it came to the spit-sell. You know, he’d get punched in the face, it would knock the wind AND the spit right out of him. Gum spit takes? Just as great, though the idea of moving around that much and trying not to choke on my gum freaks me out a little. Then again, I am a super-clumsy super-awkward internet blog lady, and not a highly trained professional athlete who only tries this at work, but not home or school because that would be dangerous and set a terrible precedent. Marasciulo’s sell of the superkick – the crumple, the spit-sell, ugghhhhh….it gives me feelings. Feelings that made me rewind to it three times. Feelings that need to be italicized.

In a perfect world, Mr. Marasciulo will have the belt by BFG, and already be Google-mapping a trip to Darwin, Minnesota so Joe Park can get a picture in front of the largest ball of twine built by a single person. Italicized feelings.


Best: Bully Ray
See what happens when you use your words, Bully? Bully Ray calmly explains how important it is for Mr. Anderson to win the Bound For Glory series, and it’s equal parts encouraging and threatening. This is the Bully Ray that makes me believe in him. I know who you are, Bully Ray, and this is you at your best.

Unintentional Guest Worst: Hernandez vs. Mr. Anderson



Around The Web