Best: Fandango’s Back! And He’s Got New Pants!
daaa DA! DA-da-DA — wait, are we not doing that anymore?
Firstly, Fandango’s new pants are wonderful. They’re like a flamboyant cave painting. Secondly, I wanted to give a supplemental, hopefully-not-crass Best to Summer Rae’s cleavage but I didn’t quite know why, and I think I’ve figured it out: because her boobs are real. Raw has conditioned me to either accept copious fake cleavage (Kaitlyn, Nikki Bella) or no cleavage (AJ, Brie Bella), so when a lady with natural boobs shows up my asexual Raw-watching brain sorta flips a switch and reminds me that I sometimes fall off my soapbox and write a paragraph about how boobs are great. There are not enough women in wrestling without implants, and while implants are a fine thing to have and cosmetically pleasing on a case-by-case basis, preferentially I’m on Team Not Having Them. I’m also on Team GTFO Summer Rae And Bring Back Ann Dango, but I’m just saying.
I actually really dug this match while it was happening, because Sheamus is basically great with everybody who isn’t Orton, Cena or Triple H and we haven’t yet gotten enough of Fandango’s weird “try to win the match by avoiding the other dude as much as possible and hoping shit works out” thing. He doesn’t ever really seem like he’s on offense, even when he’s on offense.
Sadly, the ending was more re-run madness.
Worst: I Wanted To Write A Big Thing Complaining About Forced Heel Count-Outs, But Oh Man, It Gets So Much Worse In A Minute
Do we really need to protect Fandango? Does he need to pull the cowardly heel thing once he’s been in a match for this long? What’s the benefit of him walking away and taking a count-out? In kayfabe, shouldn’t he care about the money he’d lose by purposefully bailing? Didn’t he choose pro wrestling as a career? Shouldn’t he have the basic personal confidence to stick it out at LEAST until the Brogue Kick was about to happen? They weren’t even at the end. And furthermore, if Fandango eats a Brogue Kick and gets pinned, are we not gonna buy him as “weird dancing guy who says his name funny?” He’s not steamrolling the Raw roster or anything. You had Cesaro lose for 65 straight weeks and now we’re supposed to buy him as a Foreign Superman again. Just finish your f**king matches sometimes.
Oh, and speaking of “finishing matches.”
Worst: Miz Vs. Ryback, Or
Worst: The Worst Raw Segment Of 2013, And Possibly Ever
I can’t believe they even put this on the Internet.
Okay, to recap: The Miz had a match with Ryback. It goes how you’d expect it to for a few minutes, and then Miz goes on offense and starts working the leg. This is a small victory for me, because not too long ago I was complaining about him doing a bunch of clotheslines and then putting on a leg lock for an instant critical. Good for him! So Ryback ends up in the corner, Miz drapes Ryback’s leg over the ropes, kicks it a few times and then dropkicks it. Ryback immediately starts yelling for the referee to stop the match and … that’s it. Miz stands there looking confused, especially when Ryback walks out of the corner like normal. Chris Jericho wanders into the ring from guest commentary, fresh from having called Ryback “Cryback” for two minutes, then hits him with a Codebreaker for no reason. Jericho and Miz then stand around making “the f**k is up with THIS guy” faces. AND THAT’S THE SEGMENT.
WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS MATCH YOU GUYS
I cannot fathom a single person who’d think this was a good idea. Did Ryback shit in Stephanie McMahon’s purse (right on Triple H’s balls! Hurr!) or something? When Ryback was feuding with Cena and “complaining” too much, he was at least making reasonable points about nobody in WWE having each others’ backs and how all of his title opportunities were either stupid or jacked by outsiders. Here, he’s SCREAMING for the match to be stopped BECAUSE THE MIZ KICKED HIM IN THE LEG. It’s like that time Chavo Guerrero tapped out to Stevie Ray’s handshake BUT FOR REAL.
You could say “oh, hey, maybe he actually got hurt.” But then he’s FINE, and Chris Jericho shows up and attacks him and that’s just it. Was the purpose of this to make everyone watching think Ryback is the biggest wiener idiot in the world? He can’t take a dropkick from THE MIZ? This guy got suplexed through the roof of a f**king ambulance less than a month ago. This guy picked up Mark Henry with his legs, and now he can’t take a kick from a guy who was the offensive weak link in a team with JOHN MORRISON?
Ignoring that completely, doesn’t this make Chris Jericho the biggest asshole ever? He came into the ring to attack an injured man who had just forfeited a match, and he did it FROM BEHIND. A SNEAK ATTACK on an INJURED GUY who had JUST GIVEN UP. Who is supposed to look good at the end of this?
Best: Tell These Folks To Go F**k Themselves With The ‘Whats,’ Mark Henry
The production wizards who add in fake OOOOOHs to Diva match DDTs on Smackdown need to be militarized and organized against “What” chants. When Raw goes up on WWE Fan Nation or on Hulu, every instance of the crowd chanting “What” should be removed with extreme prejudice. If you are saying “What” at a wrestling show, you deserve to be punched in the goddamn mouth. No grey area here. Punched directly in your f**king teeth. Stop it.
Ignoring the What chants, Mark Henry delivered a pretty awesome, purposeful speech about how his entire WWE career has been marred by people treating him like he’s stupid, and how he’s gonna make that irrelevant by kicking the asshole off of John Cena at Money In The Bank. Yes please. Mark continues to be the top-shelf greatest, and that t-shirt is already in the mail. Buying Mark Henry merchandise is, as they say, what I do.
Best: These Champion Retrospective Clip Videos
The only way I got through this Raw was waiting for the next champion video package. A few quick observations:
1. WWE is always going to overstate Booker T’s importance to wrestling history, aren’t they?
2. STING! Put out that Sting DVD immediately, WWE. Put the Sting/Bully Ray match from Whatever That Last TNA Pay-per-view Was on there too and have Jim Ross make a bunch of fart sounds over it, I don’t care.
3. Harley Race is about a hundred-thousand times cooler than anybody on the current WWE roster.
4. This has got to be the easiest thing to parody. Some guy on Reddit’s already elbows deep in a VINCE MCMAHON, DAVID ARQUETTE video, right?