Bestish?: That Was A Tag Team Match
The Real Americans vs. The Usos was a great little tag team match, but I barely remember it happening.
If I was a little kid, I would be SO into the Usos. They’ve got the coolest entrance in wrestling, they’ve got colorful shorts, they’re exciting in the ring and they’re wearing facepaint. It’s like 1988 Sting in tag team form. As a jaded grown-up, I obviously am into the Real Americans, because Jack Swagger has become the unofficial Best and Worst of Raw cult hero and Antonio Cesaro is the most woefully underrated guy on the WWE roster. If the Usos/Real Americans feud leaks into the Summerslam tag team championship match AND Mark Henry gets involved somehow, we’re going to have the coolest gathering of wrestlers Brandon is into since … uh, the Smackdown Money in the Bank ladder match.
Regardless, it’s time to push the Usos as a thing and get the tag team division back on its feet. Team Hell No is off doing better things, The Shield is good enough to anchor a batch of tag team matches for as long as you’d need, the Usos are finally starting to catch peoples’ eyes and Rey Mysterio and Tyson Kidd can’t be injured forever, right?
Worst: Michael McGillucutty Pins Mr. Money In The Bank
WWE: Where Champions Are The Worst Guys!
I’d complain more about Damien Sandow losing his first match after winning the Money in the Bank briefcase as an example of WWE’s obsession with giving guys championships and immediately emasculating them, but I guess Sandow was ALREADY losing every match, so this is just par for the course. Watching Christian wrestle is getting increasingly worrisome, because he is basically George Jetson*. Look at him. Look at how he moves and runs. He should yell JANE, STOP THIS CRAZY THING when he sets up the Killswitch.
*(Thank you to Crew Spence for bringing this to my attention.)
Best: Cody Rhodes, Superface
On the upside, Cody Rhodes jumped Sandow after the match and got a HUGE reaction, complete with “Cody” chants, which are 1000% more positive for his career trajectory than “Cody’s mustache.” I don’t like WWE faces attacking WWE heels — especially when the heel won the match fairly, even if it was personally disappointing to their friendship — but Cody’s technically still a bad guy I guess, so I’ll allow it. Plus, sometimes you’re just super pissed. I can understand that. If Cody KEEPS attacking him for the next three weeks instead of just calling him out for a match for the briefcase at SummerSlam, I’ll have a problem with it.
Cody and Damien were the best as best friends, but they’re also super compatible as enemies. If you turn Sandow’s sliminess up a notch and stop making him say funny things, you’ve got a top level heel. If you shave Cody’s stupid novelty facial hair and let him have great matches and moments instead of instantly losing to Brodus Clay or whatever, you’ve got a top level face. It’s win-win.
Also, wedge Goldust into this somehow, WWE, I’m f**king begging you.
Best With A Hint Of Worst: Naomi Is A Better Kofi Kingston Than Kofi Kingston
Okay, maybe not, but she’s very good at jumping.
In fact, she might be TOO good at jumping. She’s clearly got a better vertical than the rest of the Divas locker room combined, so whenever she does something she JUMPS HER ASS OFF. She does a complete front somersault in the air and lands on her feet doing the Undertaker clothesline, she almost jumps out of Brie Bellas hands during a hairmare and jumps way, way too high on a sunset flip attempt. Jump purposefully, not for show. She was also borderline twerking after she hit the Flying Asshole, which is concerning. Also, HOOK THE LEG WHEN YOU ARE GOING FOR PINS.
But no, I like Naomi, so I’m gonna give her a Best for dragging a competent wrestling match out of the Bellas instead of leaving them to ruin everything at the announce table. The Bellas aren’t as bad in the ring as they seem, but while I’m mentioning them, whoever taught Brie Bella that chinlock where you grab your own wrist needs to unteach it. That move bothers me so much.
Worst: Are We Seriously Still Doing 1-800-FELLA
Didn’t Daniel Bryan end this joke with his “if I call 1-800-FELLA can I hire you to Brogue Kick yourself in the face” comment? Why are we still doing 1-800-FELLA commercials? There’s a reason every crowd that isn’t made up of 5-year old rural Iowans boos the shit out of Sheamus.