Best/Worst: Daniel Bryan’s Corporate Makeover
☑ 10. Triple H and/or a McMahon talking to a perfectly fine performer like an asshole and getting cheered for it
In this example, Tommy is Stephanie McMahon. Dae Han is Daniel Bryan. Tommy’s foot is the WWE Creative Process. Catherine Wade and Alex are the Internet. I am James Earl Jones.
Of course, I think the obvious route is to have Bryan be all NO NO NO when Stephanie tries to shave his beard and kick H in the dome, which could bring out a shaven, suited-up Randy Orton as the new Corporate Champion. Then you’ve got two good guys desperately trying to compete to see who’s the best while a smarmy snakeman everybody hates already anyway lies around in the shadows punching the ground, waiting for the right moment to opportunistically RKO somebody and fulfill his destiny.
Or, you know, they put Daniel Bryan on some stilts as a joke and in six months he’s Hornswoggle.
Worst: Ryback Is The New Wade Barrett
I didn’t think the main event tables match was as bad as everyone else seemed to, but I’m getting pretty tired of watching Ryback act intimidating backstage and still lose to everybody. Why’s he doing that? It feels like Ryback’s won like, two matches in 2013. Those people chanting “Goldberg” at him have no idea what a Goldberg is. Can you think of a time when Goldberg lost two matches in a row? The only two I can think of off the top of my head are the Kevin Nash cattle prod one and the Triple H sledgehammer Elimination Chamber one. Those both involved VIOLENT WEAPONS. Ryback’s losses involve John Cena going for submissions in tables matches. One of these things is not like the other.
Also, I don’t want to bring back any horrible WCW memories of Shane Douglas vs. The Wall, but I don’t think I’ve ever really loved a one-on-one tables match. Tag team tables matches are GREAT, at least the ones where you have to put both members of the team through tables, because there’s so much going on. On one side of the ring D-Von’s trying to put Matt Hardy through a table with a powerbomb, and on the other side somewhere Jeff’s tope’ing to his death trying to eliminate Bubba. Here, Ryback’s lying around waiting for a spot to happen while Cena pretends the table he’s lifting is super heavy, even though we’ve seen f**king LayCool move tables around without effort.
Let Ryback win sometimes, guys. And let Cena lose. But let him REALLY lose. If WWE spends a month having everyone on the show say “Daniel Bryan can’t beat Cena” and then have him NOT beat Cena, good lord.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
☑ 5. things that’ve already happened being done again for emphasis, or because they happened on the B-show
Oh c’mon, Ryback. Leave Bruno Mars alone. He thinks you’re amazing, just the way you are.
Face Dolph is totally giving me flashback of when Anakin killed the younglings. Only the younglings are my feelings.
“John….I know you talk like a southern preacher when you’re lying.”
Ape Cavalry Deserter
After DBD wins the belt, he needs a shirt that says,
THE BEARD IS HERE
The Bellas’ “before they were stars” picture is just a sock on a door that says “Vince McMahon, Chairman”
Only ninety minutes to go in this show, Christian should probably go ahead and start the killswitch.
My greatest hope for Sandow’s MITB reign is that everytime he shows up with the briefcase from now on it constantly leaks water and has some seaweed sticking out of it.
Once twitter verifies “The Buzzards” account, then I will follow them.
“I knew something was wrong when I heard John Cena’s music playing.”
We’ve all been there, Nattie. We’ve all been there.
to answer Jerry Lawler’s question about what size Kane wears…
Double X Hell.
YES! I DID IT!! THE WINNING JOKE!!!
See you all next week. On tape.