Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is how every competitive eating competition should end. A pair of Florida men (we’re hypothesizing) got into a heated hot wing eating contest, the winner got pants during his celebration, and the loser got punched in his goddamn mouth. It’s glorious. The best part is how shocked the guy is to have been punched in the face, and how he crumples beneath the table to end the clip. Absolute weird bro’d-out magic.
Here’s what’s on tonight:
Fox Football Daily – 6PM on FS1
Like Burnsy (get home soon, buddy), I’m not a fan of what Fox Sports 1 has been doing so far. But honestly? I think I’m just waiting around for them to turn into Fox Sports 5, turn Ronde Barber into a demolitions expert and say to hell with it. I guess this is the best you can get until the season starts, what with all the Monday and Sunday football happening on Thursdays.
MLB Baseball: Reds at Cardinals – 7PM on ESPN
Time the broadcasters will spend talking about the Dodgers and Yankees instead: the equivalent of four innings. Enjoy that.
U.S. Open Tennis: Early-round play – 7PM on ESPN2
This lost the interest of the nation when Maria Sharapova briefly announced that she was gonna legally change her name to MARIA SUGARPOVA to promote a line of candy, then dropped out of the event. God, I had so many jokes lined up. “I want to be your Sugar Daddy” was the core.
“I want to have sex with you now, and later” was another. Dammit, Maria Sharapova.
WWE Monday Night Raw – 8PM on USA
If you aren’t interested in REAL sports (nerd), be sure you’re around for our Raw open discussion thread. Spend the first hour of the discussion talking about how awesome Mark Henry’s “if you gotta resort to long monologues about how you gonna whoop somebody, you probably cain’t” statement is, and how funny Big Show is when he tries to match cadences with Mark. I want them to be big fat affable solemn guys who talk about food forever.
Classic Basketball: 1984: Harlem Globetrotters – 9:15PM ESPNCLS
This is one of the games where the Generals win, I think. No idea. Regardless, it’s followed by Classic UWF wrestling, and I am not going out on a limb when I say “Globetrotters game and UWF will probably be a better way to spend your time than Raw.”