First of all, big ups to Getty Images for having 38 pages of “testicle” options.
Second of all, WHO’S READY TO COOK AND EAT SOME BALLS? The 10th Annual World Testicle Cooking Championship is happening on August 30 and 31 in the beautiful, not-tricking-you-into-f**king-a-baby-to-death city of Gornji Milanovac, Serbia.
Don’t worry, if you aren’t familiar with Serbian nut-offs, it’s not just a bunch of guys sitting around doing that WILD FOODZ Food Network snickering thing. These guys take their professions seriously. Cooked testicle dishes are ranked on a variety of criteria such as taste and … uh, arousal capabilities. Because some crazy assholes in this world still can’t get a boner unless they’re inhaling a shark’s balls. They also have some novelty awards, and … yeah, I can’t do this. Read their hype sheet:
The competitions at the World Testicle Cooking Championship include the following:
1. Tastiest dish – it is preferable to prepare a goulash of testicles in a traditional clay pot
2. The most powerful aphrodisiacs – a special jury, i.e. specialized teams, check aphrodisiac effects in a separate camp, which is used exclusively for that purpose. If you have the courage, you can spend the night alone in the camp, with a special license and personal responsibility.
3 “The Ballsiest Man in The World” – each year, we choose the bravest man on the planet. The first winners were President of USA, Mr. Barack Obama, who faced challenges during the time of great global economic crisis, and the pilot Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, who managed to safely land in the Hudson River after engine failure, and saved the lives of dozens of passengers. (via Bob’s)
Obama jokes! Well played, Serbia.
Information about the event includes a helpful list of the varieties of balls that will be cooked, and oh boy, if you don’t think “human’s” getting snuck in there somewhere, you don’t know Serbia:
All these years of WTCC we’ve had 17 different types of testicles: a bull, a ram, a donkey, bear, shark, rooster, ostrich, deer, roe deer, reindeer, wild boar, kangaroo, stallion, goat, badger, mouflon and turkey.
Badger balls. Seriously? You couldn’t eat a beaver’s and bring the joke full circle?
Anyway, if you’re like me and think the whole “eating an animal’s junk will make me awesome in bed” thing is bullshit, here’s some SCIENCE to back it up, from a guy who helps organize the Serbian testicle cooking championships. You know, a SCIENTIST.
Testicle specialties are an extremely strong aphrodisiac, according to organizers, they improve libido, awaken primal instincts, and give men strength. (Women can enjoy this food without worrying because it forms the gluteus, a specialty of the testicles do not stimulate hair growth on women.) After eating, physical activity is recommended, in order to spend the positive energy.
Many of us still do not realize the impact of food on the sex life. Food and sex have been connected throughout whole human history. The old adage “full stomach, penis rises” in itself has quite the truth. Healthy food is a way to better sex.
I have never heard “full stomach, penis rises” in my life.