When I read that Olympic gold medal swimmer and failed reality TV star Ryan Lochte was doing something yesterday that involved delivering pizza, I immediately had to go to my records and see who won the “What Will Ryan Lochte Do?” jackpot. But with all apologies to my postal carrier, Esmerelda, it turns out that America’s sex idiot wasn’t delivering pizzas yesterday, but pizzeria-flavord Combos for a new commercial.
What concerns me most about this isn’t how delicious pizza-flavored Combos are and how I’d love it if a giant case was sent to me, but having one of our greatest American athletes swimming in the Hudson River. That’s like asking Gabby Douglas to perform an aerial as a Sharknado passes by. It’s a very irresponsible move by Combos that could have left Lochte very ill, as his mouth isn’t capable of closing all the way and would end up taking in gallons of waste-filled waters.
Behind Jagermeister, that would be the second worst thing that Lochte could put in his body this week.
And in case you were wondering if Lochte still has that undeniable media charm...