Best: Joseph Park and the Street Fight Phantom
Joseph Park’s first street fight! Oh, they grow up so fast. One day they’re learning front flips in OVW, the next they’re watching Hernandez deliver Mongolian chops in 2013 while everyone ignores the carefully staged trash cans full of street signs on the entrance ramp.
Best: Hello, Austin!
EVERYONE’S GONNA BE FRIENDS
Worst: EGO and the Super Brat
SIGH. I spoke too soon. Aries fakes everyone out, pretending that he’s accepted Bobby Roode’s offer to join up with the BFG BFF, but of course, it is a lie. I am….slightly worried. See, the thing is, Austin Aries is a dick. Kayfabe, shoot, whatever. I love the standing on desks yelling at Hogans Austin Aries. I love move-stealing little sh*t Austin Aries. I love the costume-stealing, making his own way like that Cinderella song told him to Austin Aries. But Aries feuding with two guys who are equally as good as he is when it comes to being a heel, and Kazarian…it worries me. It’s a three-on-one handicap that I’m not sure he can overcome, and I’m not sure they’ll let him. The best part of the entire Chris Sabin schmoz was Aries’ Suicide reveal, and that was thrown out faster those KFC coupons I get in the mail. Well, I recycle them because I’m not a horrible person, but you know what I mean. Aries as a face is almost as bad as a Jay Bradley anything, and shouldn’t be attempted again anytime soon. The only way I can see this working is if Aries really is just a petulant little brat out to foil all of EGO’s attempts to foil things for other wrestlers. Even then, he just becomes the Swiper of Impact – a minor nuisance on EGO’s way to the Gooey Geyser that is Bound For Glory.
“Wait and See” is the worst game you can play with TNA, other than “Who Will Hernandez Injure Next” and “What the F*ck is the Pope Doing With Devon’s Kids.”
Best: Danielle Matheson, No. 1 Fan
Joseph Park blackhole slams Jay Bradley all the way back to Illinois, thereby pulling himself up out of the BFG standings basement. Yay! I know I don’t have to tell you how much I love Joe Park, but I don’t think you guys get how happy it makes me when I can get genuinely excited by something instead of dreading sitting and analyzing it and explaining why it did or did not work for me. My love for Joe Park is pure, unadulterated markdom and it’s the best thing, every single time.
In a perfect world I’d get a letter from Joe Park, discover that he lives in Burlington, ride my bike to his house and immediately become his intern and also best friend forever instead of writing some dumb play and shaming him for his dead daughter or whatever.
Man, Mallory really sucked.
Worst: Bully and Tito, Friends Forever
The best thing about this entire segment is when Bully refused to acknowledge Chris Sabin’s title win, and claimed that Sabin didn’t beat him, “I beat myself.” Hey, I don’t want to believe he was champ either, and also lol jerk off jokes.
Aside from Tito’s hilarious attempt at public speaking to remind us about a fight he and Hercules had one time and that they’re going to do it again, this is just grating. Yes, Bully…we know you like to swerve people. At this point, the explanation of every single thing you did and how SHOCKING and SURPRISING it is totally diminishes the surprise itself. Setting up the reveal of THE SHOCKING TRUTH ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND THAT IS ALSO SURPRISING AND WILL ALSO SHOCK YOU SURPRISE! as such becomes tedious and makes me care not at all.
Worst: Bully Ray’s Horrible Prank
There are two girls named Brooke and he meant the other one.
This is the worst M. Night Shyamalan movie ever, and that includes the one with the racist dude and the killer plants, the racist live-action retelling of one of the best animated shows ever, and the one about the presumably racist elevator.