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The Best and Worst of Impact Wrestling 8/23/13: The Hardcore Justice Super Special

By / 08.23.13

Brandon Guest Worst: It’s Not A Good Sign When The Announcers Start Talking Amongst Themselves

The Gail Kim/ODB match wasn’t bad, necessarily. If Kaitlyn and Layla had this exact match on Raw I’d probably be raving about it. The problem is that the Knockouts (and Gail in particular) have this default “you’re better than the Divas, usually” setting in my brain, and when they have a match that just kinda plods and drags on, I get disappointed.

And sure, the fair thing to bring up is that the Knockouts Division isn’t what it was when it started. It got DARK for a while, with your Laceys Von Erich backflipping around like morons instead of ever learning how to wrestle, but in recent months it’s gotten better and better, with the addition of heel Mickie James, a motivated Gail Kim and a surprisingly-into-this Hot Mess. I want that upswing to keep swinging up, you know? I don’t want them to have boring 8-minute placeholder matches because they don’t really know WHERE to go.

At some point near the end of the match, Taz and Tenay got bored with the match themselves and started cracking jokes and bickering at each other. It was like NXT season 3 had transported into the Impact Zone, and performers like Gail (and to a lesser extent, ODB) don’t deserve it. If you’re firing everybody for budget cuts, consider paying some Shimmer talent 50 bucks an appearance to show up and make the women you want to pay on the reg look like superstars. You don’t think Courtney Rush would wrestle a match on Impact for 50 bucks? A lot of them would do it for free, just for exposure.

yes, this is what I’m saying, turn the Knockouts Division into Bleacher Report.

Worst: MEM and 2 Many Aces & 8s

Aces & Eights is a faction who historically runs away when being outnumbered three to seven, so bragging about having one more person than the Main Event Mafia doesn’t really make sense when it comes to the damn numbers game.

AJ

Worst: AJ Styles Saves the Day

AJ Styles has been playing Sh*t Donst long enough that his appearance doesn’t bode well for anyone. The very worst part about all of this (besides basically everything), is that IN NO WAY does Bully make an attempt to jump AJ Styles before he gets to the ring. As he’s constantly reiterated, he’s a bad bad man who does bad bad things. Jumping a guy with no previous allegiances wouldn’t be the worst thing, especially when one group in front of you is down a member. I mean really.

This whole thing is rough. Whether it’s Samoa Joe punching Wes Brisco the same way I punch the air when I’m mimicking Antonio Cesaro’s sped-up We the People taunt, or 101st PWI 500-ranked Wes Brisco existing as a pro grappler, this match is just not good. The second worst part of all of this?

LOLOLOLOL

Best: LOLFRIRL

It’s a real shame that the BSC didn’t have a book called Jessi Makes Fart Faces and is Awful so I could keep this joke up.

knux

Worst: Devon and the Sad Goodbye

Looking at the participants prior to the match, the only person I would legitimately be upset about losing was Devon. Would anyone really miss Garrett Bischoff? Or Magnus? Come on now. Sting could shuffle off to wherever wrestlers go when they leave the Shady Pines Retirement Home that is TNA. Hercules could focus on his match against Tito and running away from rock slides or whatever. AJ Styles could take some time off, watch Kota Ibushi’s dropkicks (or pele kicks, or EVERYTHING), and then race around on his Catwoman bike in a fit of sadness that he’ll never be as good as Golden Star. Mr. Anderson? Ain’t nobody got time for him anyways.

But nope. It’s Devon.

Technically, as AJ was never a member of the Main Event Mafia, it could be argued that the pin doesn’t count and Devon can come back, rendering this whole thing null and void. Lawyer Kevin Nash could come back and be gloriously smarmy. But again, it’s a game of “Wait and See.”

But he’ll probably just take some time off, Mr. Anderson will use Bully’s inaction as a way to oust him from the club, and this could spell the dissolution of Aces & Eights. Wes Brisco will make angry mutant faces at hard camera, and Mike Knox will smile and clap because he’s secretly the most entertaining member of the group. Brooke Tessmacher will glue shiny stuff to her bras and be nothing but a prop in too-small shorts, and no one is ever gonna remember to remind Stacey to take her insulin.

Next week on TNA Impact: Bully Ray Misses Devon: when Tazz helps Mr. Anderson deal with his parents’ divorce, Mickie James raises the ire of Brooke Tessmacher by winning the Little Miss Stoneybrook pageant, and Bully Ray yells a bunch.

See you next week!


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TOPICS#IMPACT WRESTLING
TAGSCHAVO GUERREROCHRIS SABINDESTINATION XGREG MARASCIULOGUNNERHERNANDEZHULK HOGANJAMES STORMJAY BRADLEYJEFF HARDYJESSIE GODDERZJOSEPH PARKKAZARIANKURT ANGLEMAGNUSMAIN EVENT MAFIAMANIKMICKIE JAMESMIKE TENAYODBROBBIE ESAMOA JOESTINGsuicidetito ortizTRENT BARRETA

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