Best: Deep Sea Adventure Big Show
I’m so happy to have Big Show back on the show, especially if he’s gonna switch up the camo singlet and be those alternate Batman action figures featuring Batman doing things he’d never do that stores stock 30,000 of whenever a Batman movie comes out. DESERT MISSILE ATTACK BATMAN in that beige and mustard Batman costume he wears when he needs to strike fear in the heart of dudes in the desert! I’m naming Big Show’s dark blue get-up DEEP SEA ADVENTURE BIG SHOW.
Either that, or Big Dad likes the Dallas Cowboys. Doesn’t EVERY Big Dad like the Cowboys?
Show was great last night, from his matter-of-fact interview with the lovely Renee Young wherein he announced that he and Mark Henry would be making a run at the tag titles to his 3-on-1 handicap match with the already tired, already done with this shit Shield. I bet they wish they’d gotten Ziggler second. Oh, and while I’m thinking about it, a big shiny supplemental BEST goes to WWE for finally making The Shield’s DAMNED NUMBERS GAME a thing that exists. Three against one is bad numbers, I agree, Michael!
Best: CM Punk Is Pissed Off, So Let’s Just Go With It
I’ve expressed a few times how much I’m in love with the Paul Heyman/CM Punk shouting matches and how I want their thing to keep moving forward until WrestleMania, because it’s been a WHILE since two guys this good on the microphone got into a year-long argument. Punk has finally found his promo soulmate in Heyman, after wasting so much time nuking guys like Kevin Nash and Jeff Hardy and trying to drag 1998 Chris Jericho out of 2012 Chris Jericho.
I love when Punk gets all enraged, and the crowd hits their cheering cue but he doesn’t stop, so THEY don’t stop, and it just builds until Punk’s screaming a bunch of stuff and the crowd’s just going REAGGGHHHHH in the background. And the one guy booing. Did I mention the one guy booing?
Predictably I’m not a fan of all the BE A MAN AND HAVE BALLS stuff Punk considers knockout blows, but I’ll forgive him if it involves him snatching a fan’s weave. Oh man, that fat guy in the crowd is gonna have to live with being the “Punk And Heyman Hate You, Obnoxious Fat Guy” in his circle of friends forever.
Worst: Paul Heyman Is Suddenly Really Bad At Plans
Remember last week when Heyman’s big “swerve” was to challenge Punk to a one-on-one fight, then come out first, announce that he was planning to trap Punk by making it a stupid-obvious two-on-one fight, then talk for 10 minutes to justify it as some kind of cerebral masterstroke? Remember how oddly stupid that seemed? This week he has an even worse solution: get Curtis Axel to tape up his fists and fight Punk, but only after he’s had a commercial break to stand around and prepare. YOU’RE BAD AT PLANS, PAUL.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. His entire plan for the Dangerous Alliance was just “have good wrestlers, hit people with my big Zack Morris phone.”
Worst: Curtis Axel Takes The Worst Bump Of The Year
The Punk and Axel fight was fun, but Axel continues to be mass garbage on Raw, and may have taken the least believable bump of 2013. Go back a page and watch Dolph Ziggler get speared by Roman Reigns again. Shit, go up and watch that soft-ass bump Show takes on the spear. Now watch Curtis Axel take a “Go To Sleep” on the ring steps.
Let’s take a look at the point of “impact”:
What is that, a foot? Seriously, look at this:
You might be the least perfect guy I know, Curt.
Best: I Am Booking The Wyatt Family Now, I Guess
One of the cooler parts of SummerSlam was WWE using my prediction for the Ring Of Fire match, which was “Harper and Rowan stop being stupid for five seconds, throw some blankets on the fire ring and do whatever they want to Kane because Ring Of Fire matches are stupid.” Confident, I named myself the personal booker of the Wyatt Family and made a suggestion for the following night’s Raw.
Tonight on Raw: Harper and Rowan squash R-Truth and somebody. Maybe Kofi. Make it so.
The match ended up being Bray squashing Truth, but f**k it, I’m calling it a win. Let’s see if we can keep this going! So far the big flaw in the Wyatt Family booking has been putting the new guy in the ring with 46-year old slow-ass Kane in a gimmick match and having his first Raw one-on-one against a guy who’s had exactly zero great matches in a 17-year career. My suggestion is to put Bray up against a guy who can go but isn’t important, so he can take the ass-beating he needs to take, make it look like a million bucks and eat the Sister Abigail like you’re supposed to.
Ziggler. I know I shouldn’t expect a Ziggler/Wyatt match on Raw with a clean ending, so let’s say Ziggler runs his mouth again and gets put into a 3-on-1 thing against the Wyatts. Big boots and splashes happen, and Ziggler gets all shaky-spaghetti-hair on the Sister Abigail.
Best: Everybody On The Indies Is Stealing That Hot Tag Dive
The pointless but fun Usos tag matches continue!
This week they get default Best 3MB, and the match features a thing I’m gonna see at 50% of indy shows I go to for the next two years: one Uso tagging the other as he dives over the top rope to the outside for proper tag legality. That’s cool as hell. If Okada ever does it I’m bumping the percentage up to 80.
Best: Ryback Pretends To Be JBL
A few people have dropped a WHY DIDN’T YOU MENTION RYBACK GETTING ALL SEXUALLY DOMINANT AND WEIRD WITH TOMMY DREAMER JR. OR WHATEVER on me, so I’m adding this back in by request.
I could go either way on this segment. Unless this leads to The Ryback running afoul of the wrong jobber (say, a newly-thin-by-order Kassius Ohno) or a bunch of nobodies banding together to form the world’s least effective Nexus and fight back, I don’t know where it’s going. “Ryback is rude to people who aren’t on the show” isn’t an important plot point. On the plus side, I like that he didn’t waste a bunch of food. And if a bunch of nobodies DID form the Shitty Nexus, maybe Ryback could Shell Shocked 9 of them at once.
I wish they’d filmed a follow-up segment with the local talent walking up to a merch table and being all, “got any pants?’