‘Total Divas’ Episode 2 Recap: It’s Off To John Cena’s Absurdly Huge House We Go!

By: 08.05.13  •  105 Comments

Episode 2 main

Last week, we learned from the debut episode of E!’s Total Divas that the WWE has several very unique young women on its roster, and each of them brings something different to the viewing experience. Of course, none of them is more important than Nikki and Brie Bella, because the Bella Twins are the most important thing to ever happen to the WWE and the world in general. You should never, ever forget how lucky we are to be living at the same time as the Bella Twins.

But while the first episode of the already popular Total Divas – which airs on Sundays at 10 PM ET following Lobotomizing Yourself with the Kardashians – gave us glimpses into the personal lives of each woman and showed us what we can expect to see from each of them on this series, last night’s second episode just said, “F*ck it” and showed us who really matters.

Basically, each of the WWE Divas that expects to have a strong career based on her TV time on Total Divas, please step forward. Haha, not so fast, Nattie!

Poor, Poor Nattie

Nattie and Fandango

I’d love to say that Total Divas built on Nattie’s frustrations of being pushed to the back burner by the WWE’s Divas creative team by showing her busting her ass more than ever and working on her flaws, but they didn’t. In fact, they might as well just start spelling her name wrong in the credits.

Nattie had about three total minutes of screen time in episode 2, and that included her being smart enough to sit next to Fandango (above) and showing Eva Marie and JoJo where the food was at Raw. That’s Nattie’s role at this point – making sure the kids are fed before they go play.

Poor Nattie.

JoJo Is The Sassy Black Robin To Eva Marie’s Slutty Batman

JoJo ambushes Fandango

I think I feel worse for JoJo than I do Nattie. At least Nattie had some time in the first episode to explain who she is and why she’s so desperate to prove her worth as a wrestler. All I know about JoJo is that her name is JoJo. She’s basically Eva Marie’s sidekick at this point, and that includes her judging Eva Marie’s boyfriend, Jonathan, when he surprises her at the hotel and then pulling off a very awkward sneak attack on Fandango (above) when Eva Marie decides that she wants to sex her way into the role of Fandango’s valet.

JoJo is very cute and seems to have a decent personality, so I’d like to see her, I don’t know, maybe wrestle or perform in some capacity other than saying things like, “Oh hell no.”

Trinity And Ariane Do Not See Eye-To-Eye With Anyone, Including Each Other


The Funkadactyls, Trinity and Ariane, are getting plenty of face time, but that doesn’t mean their stories are great. Basically, Ariane believes that the WWE’s seamstress, Sandra, is to blame for them being cut from Wrestlemania, which is stupid because it’s just stupid. But that doesn’t stop Ariane from visiting a designer in Hollywood who can hook her up with some “sexy gear,” and she takes Vincent and his eyebrows with her in case he wants to fight someone.

I think it’s awful the way that Ariane treats Sandra, and I commend the seamstress for standing up for herself and telling them that she won’t fix their clothes anymore. Especially because Ariane said, “The bomb dot com” twice in this episode, and that’s twice too many for me to ever like a person. Please stop saying, “The bomb dot com.” Please.


The problem with the new costumes is that Ariane didn’t clear them with Trinity, so when they try them on, something happens with Trinity’s booty. I don’t know what it was, because I just kept staring at her booty.

Booty 1

Booty 2

Booty 3

Also, the new outfits make them look like slutty Green Goblins, and E! had to blur Trinity’s crotch because her vagina was basically falling out.

(GIFs via here and here, Sandra via)

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