Worst: The Promo Whiteboard
Assumedly this is a thing that exists backstage – a giant reusable set of Wrestling Mad Libs with “feces mouth” written somewhere in Sharpie. They’re not the worst promos, and I’m happy to see Kenny King again, even if he making Clinton marriage bed references in 2013, but….eeeehhhhhh, they are not the best. At no point does it get better than something I’d expect to see on TV every Saturday night wedged in between package pile-drivers and William Mattar commercials. But Kenny King does have a point. Amidst the bravado and swagger and dated references, he points out that he is the future of pro wrestling, and Austin Aries was the future of pro-wrestling ten years ago. I mean, Kenny King has been wrestling for eleven years and is putting himself in the same silly Young Gun box as Magnus, but man, that has got to sting a guy like Aries. Claudio and Generico are tearing it up on the biggest stage of professional wrestling there is, CM Punk has had his day in the sun and become a bonafide Superstar, and Aries will probably never climb any higher than this. Unlike Samoa Joe, Aries can’t blame the gross internal Samoan politics that form Joe’s ceiling. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see the future of wrestling turn out to be not-so-tall indie-tested guys who don’t fit the stereotypical Mason Ryan/bag of oranges look and then also Uhaa Nation, but Aries is always going to be stutter-stepping into that wall. He and Daniels will always be the “and the rest!” of wrestling’s Gilligan’s Island. The truth hurts, and “touch of honesty/sincerity” should be written on that whiteboard a whole lot more than “doodoo breath George Washington super market.”
Worst: Baby Hebs
Hebner, Aries is not your boss. You don’t have to run out from the back every time someone says LET’S DO THIS RIGHT NOW and takes off their pants. I’m glad you did, because this wasn’t a terrible match, and it was necessary to set up what’s coming for Bound For Glory, but…dude, don’t enable.
Worst: Hogan Knows Best
Best: Oh look, Smithers. Ethan is coming!
Future Worst if they don’t come out to this song.
Best? Maybe?: Manik vs. Chris Sabin
I’m not going to lie – this has been hard show to write about. I’m plagued with allergies, my sinuses feel like they’re continually on the receiving end of Jesse’s aforementioned dropkick, non-drowsy antihistamines make me sleepy and cranky because my body doesn’t understand how to work properly, and when I feel sick I hate everything, bar none. I hated Wall-E the first time I watched it because I was in the middle of a terrible flu, and Wall-E is a goddamn treasure of a movie. TNA is consistently bad enough that the things I’m rolling my eyes at or making dismissive wanking motions at could, in fact, be garbage, but I really do want to give everything the benefit of the doubt. I want to love this X-Division match because Chris Sabin’s cowardly heel tactics are spot on, and Manik is just so flippy, but parts of it felt really sloppy. That catapult into the turnbuckle was as shoddy and forced as a piece of Magnus dialogue. Velvet Sky actually serves a purpose, but that finish? His shoulder indeed was not down (thanks, camera guy), and I don’t ever want to agree with Tazz ever. As much as I am disappointed that we won’t have Aries-Roode at Bound For Glory (because out of all of the potential match-ups I want that one the most basically all the time), I’m glad Aries and his beach towel ran in to interfere. King, Aries, and Sabin all have legitimate issues with each other that have been set out in a clear and concise fashion, and Manik, well, maybe one day he’ll have more of a personality than MANIK, THAT’S RETCON SPELLED BACKWARDS!
What I’m saying is everything is fine, I guess, and I’d really like to go back to bed.