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The Best and Worst of Impact Wrestling 9/26/13: The Blood Of The Martyrs Will Water The Meadows of Impact

By / 09.27.13


Best: The Money Shot

Kudos to the graphic department for a) recognizing that every picture of Hulk Hogan should be of him making this face, and b) finding a photo of AJ Styles that doesn’t make him look like a perturbed sloth who just got out of the shower.

sneaky ass camera men

Best: EGO

“I’m so sick of hearing about the Mafia! Sting is nothing but a dumpster fire. Joe’s a diaper explosion. And now Magnus, he’s falling apart. He’s a shambles. All he does is lose and cry and cry and lose.” – Christopher Daniels, from A Dramatic Reading of Danielle’s Personal Emails

Bonus Best for Bobby Roode no-selling maniacal laughter.

Worst: RIP Brischoff

Oh man, Kurt Angle is going to be THE MOST upset when he gets back.

Worst, but in the best way: But I just broke that vest in!

Maybe it’s the medication talking, but I’ve found myself so wrapped up in the Aces & Eights storyline that Wes Brisco being ousted from the club after a dumb match with a dumb rehashed stipulation really got to me. I don’t want to feel bad for the guys who make me feel so wretched so often, but it’s those little things I mention week in and week out that make this so effective. Mentally I’ve built the friendship between Wes Brisco and Garrett Bischoff up to make their early segments passable, but now the three remaining non-Tazz members trying to do their best to stick together (even if Knux has been a huge gross butthole) makes me want to see them triumph. At the end of the day, even though it’s come down to a battle of “who has been less sh-tty,” amongst all of the things they’ve done wrong, Aces & Eights have done something very, very right. They’ve made me care. Do I care about Main Event Mafia? No. Not in any way. They serve no purpose other than to facilitate the storylines of other people. Whether they break up or stay together is genuinely of no consequence. Aces & Eights can continue their story without them. EGO can keep picking on Magnus, but ultimately they can succeed without the Main Event Mafia, and go play spoiler to anyone they want. Sting can be removed and shoehorned into this whole Dixie Carter schmoz at the drop of a hat. Samoa Joe and Magnus can’t stand on their own, and are ultimately worthless. If I had a dime for every time I thought the Main Event Mafia was serving a useful, compelling purpose, I would have zero dimes. So basically what I’m saying is Aces & Eights is Ryan Reynolds, the Main Event Mafia are some dude standing next to a tree in the background of a wide shot, and I maybe shouldn’t let my brain make comparisons when on this much medication. Yeesh.

Best: #TeamAllOfThis

Move over, AJ Styles, because Dixie Carter is, somehow, the new phenomenal one. Hulk Hogan signs AJ Styles to a contract, and thankfully we don’t have to open the Signatory Rights Gate again. We do, however, get taken down a glorious mean old rich lady-isms. Dixie Carter struts out to the ring in her finest abstract outfit interpretation of a Holiday Inn Express painting, and my heart, guys. My heart. Dixie vs. Hogan of TNA past has not been great, and her “one week” ultimatum seems to be the equivalent of a fanfic’s 30 minutes later, but Dixie Carter as the oppressed, misunderstood 1%? Holy f-ck. Mickie James left a huge heel-shaped hole in the show, and, of all people, Dixie Carter is filling it, and then some. The way Carter shouts “It’s okay!” as she’s tears up Styles’ contract makes my heart flutter. The way she condescendingly uses the words “dear” and “honey,” the way she playfully tugs at Hulk Hogan’s doll hair, her AJ Styles impression…it’s just so good. I don’t know where this is going, and I’m sure it’ll involve whiny old AJ Styles becoming the hero of the people and building a wall out of folding chairs and day-glo ladders or whatever, but I’m going to enjoy the hell out of this while it lasts.

You know, unless Ric Flair tries to have sex with her again. That we can do without.

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