The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 9/2/13: Me Too, Show

Pre-show notes:

We appreciate your comments, likes, shares, tweets and other things. I just finished writing this and decided to post it at 1 AM (my time) on Monday night/Tuesday morning, so if you want these to go up earlier than ever, show me some love with those tweets and Facebook likes. They go a long way toward justifying me being up like an asshole in the middle of the night.

– Follow us on Twitter @withleather, follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and like us on Facebook.

– GIFs by nobody, because I’m trying out “getting this up in the middle of the night on Monday.”

– On Sunday, I had my second show as the official ring announcer for Austin’s Inspire Pro Wrestling. It’s a thing you should know about, love and enjoy. Here’s a bunch of pictures from it. That guy who got food put in his ear by Ryback was at the show, so it’s relevant.

– Also, if you like the Raw column be sure you’re up on our NXT, Impact and Total Divas columns as well. Learn about your next 6 consecutive Divas Champions!

Please click through to enjoy the Best And Worst Of WWE Raw for September 2, 2013.



Best: Comparing Daniel Bryan To Doink The Clown And Suggesting He Should Challenge For The European Title Is The Ultimate Low Blow

I say some pretty negative stuff later on, so I wanted to make sure I had this here so people didn’t think I’d lapsed back into that he hates Triple H for no reason, no matter what stuff.

Triple H was clearly the best man on the microphone during last night’s open, something I can’t believe I’m typing with my fingers. I mean, I guess he didn’t have a ton of competition, what with Daniel Bryan being stuck on MAX SARCASM and Randy Orton being stuck on Randy Orton. He knows just the buttons to push to make NXT-and-unimportant-wrestling-history nerds like myself lose their shit, derisively namedropping the two best championships in modern wrestling history: the cruiserweight championship and the European championship. Oh man, I will go to my GRAVE defending the cruiserweight championship. That thing gave me good, baby-sized Rey Mysterio, it gave me a bunch of La Parka matches when I had no idea what a La Parka was, it gave me Jerry Lynn in a purple Kamen Rider jumpsuit, it gave me everything. El Dandy, Sugar Shane Helms (not to mention Good Hurricane), WCW announcers making jokes about how Super Calo’s hat and glasses never fall off, the works. The European Championship was WWF’s late-90s equivalent to the cruiserweight strap, where they’d put it on the cool, good-at-wrestling guys like Owen Hart and D’Lo Brown who never got a true shot at glory.

Doink the Clown was a great comparison to make for Bryan, too, not only because he’s the go-to example of ridiculous WWE gimmickry not involving turkey costumes, but because he was an acclaimed, talented technical wrestler who showed up to WWE and got stuck in some bullshit comedy he was never able to burrow out from underneath. That works for both guys, right? Sure, Matt Borne had to wear clown costumes at comic cons until he died, but at least he never had to live or die based on his facial hair or facetiously graduate from therapy programs on Raw.

I can’t diss Orton too much here, though … this is the most “into it” he’s been in years. Actually, it might be the most engaged he’s seemed in a story EVER, and for the first time in his life he sorta looks like he means what he says. I guess the trick was to make him say “Randy Orton’s handsome and deserves championships for nothing.” And you know what? Hey Daniel Bryan, your “Randy Orton can’t wrestle, he’s just a big gay!” talking point would probably work better if Orton wasn’t wrestling long matches every week now and trouncing everybody.

(No it wouldn’t.)
(Stop doing that, wrestler I like.)

Worst: Way To Break A Guy’s Nose, The Miz

SPEAKING OF WRESTLERS I LIKE, here’s the Miz, breaking Fandango’s nose EXCLUSIVELY ON THE WWE APP, THE WWE APP, A NEW WAY TO WATCH TELEVISION™. I think Miz and Fandango might be having the worst feud in the history of wrestling right now, and while I applaud Dirty Curty for not going all Sin Cara and bailing on the match at the first sign of injury, I’m depressed that his character might’ve peaked at Ann Dango and is more or less just window-dressing on a wrestler who has a lot to give and will spend the rest of his career sorta-dancing instead of ever giving it.

That said, he’s got a long way to fall in my eyes before he reaches Miz territory. Presented now are the six steps to a Miz figure-four leg lock, assuming this is one of those weeks when he’s completely forgotten how to do it.

Step 1: A drop toe-hold using no arms and no feet. Seriously, look at the placement of Miz’s hands. He just waves them around on the inside of Fandango’s shin and Fandango falls down.

Step 2: Scoot across the ring on your butt like a dog wiping his ass on the carpet

Step 3: ???

Step 4: ????????

Step 5: INSTANT CRITICAL

Step 6: Profit

Worst: Booker T Is The Worst Walter White Ever, Or
Worst: Why Is Booker T Even Here

Daniel Bryan’s sarcasm reached CRITICAL MASS, so he ended up facing Critical Mass, aka The Big Show. Before he could do that, however, Booker T, current NOTHING AT ALL of Smackdown, showed up to half-assedly quote ‘Breaking Bad’ and tell Bryan to totally chicken his shit and stay away from The Facgime.

First of all, why the hell is Booker T even AT this show? I assume being a Hall of Famer allows you access to whatever shows you want to attend, but couldn’t we at least have a wrestler even loosely associated with Bryan be the one to give him the “hey man, be careful?” All he got was Booker T and HIS OPPONENT. I know Kane’s injured, but Jesus, couldn’t Alex Riley show up and be all, “yo bro, this is just like that time I teamed up with the Miz, take it easy?” Couldn’t Darren Young show up and say “hey, remember when we were on NXT and the entire thing was built to make us fail? Yeah, they’re doing that to you on Raw still?” Nope, just Booker T, only here to once again force a wrestler to say his shitty, unpopular “tell me you didn’t just say that” catchphrase before vanishing into the foggy ether of Teddy Long conversations and XXL suits.

Best: Dean Ambrose, Interceptor

I love that The Shield has gone from “The Hounds Of Justice” to being the Mr. Burns hounds from ‘The Simpsons,’ being released on anybody who trespasses. I get that question a lot. “Why do The Shield say they’re fighting for justice, then team up with an evil corporation and do whatever Triple H says? Booking oversight?” And I’m like, “no, they’re bad guys and they lie about stuff. They want to win belts and have careers like everybody else.” WWE needs to find a way to retrain the audience so not everything the wrestlers say gets taken super literally.

Real talk, though, the best part of this clip is Justin Roberts seeing Ambrose before Ziggler does, going AW HELL NAW with his face and skedaddling without even TRYING to give Ziggler the heads up.

Worst: Totally Inappropriate Ryback Chants

Ryback gets two chants:

1. “GOOOOLDBERG”
2. “YOU CAN’T WRESTLE, clap clap clapclapclap”

And, as a reminder:

1. Ryback originally got Goldberg chants because he was this big muscly bald guy mashing jobbers in a heartbeat, and that was appropriate. He abandoned that pretty quickly, and has spent most of the year as a threatening bully with a wishy-washy work ethic who feels like he’s been manipulated out of opportunities by management, but isn’t smart or noble enough to do anything constructive about it. Goldberg never had 1% the personality Ryback’s been given. The most personality Goldberg ever got was “he likes motorcycles.”

2. Hey WWE Universe, cut it out with this chant. You don’t know what you’re talking about. The only two people on the roster who deserve this chant are Eva Marie and Jojo. Everybody else called a wrestler (sports entertainer, whatever) “can wrestle.” They are wrestlers. Even the bad ones. My cat can do a better figure four than the Miz, but he “can wrestle.” Cena can wrestle. Dude’s held 65 WWE Championships. The thing is that YOU can’t wrestle. That’s why you are not wrestling. Don’t just chant this because a bunch of goons in the crowd still equate “having muscles” to negative wrestling ability.


Best/Worst: Stephanie McMahon Is The Devil, And WWE’s Emasculation Of Big Show Gets Real

Good: Triple H brought up the whole “Big Show has an ironclad contract” thing in the opening segment, addressing a concern from the actual, real-life WWE Universe and continuing his “pay attention and reference things from the shows” act.

Bad: The definition of “ironclad contract” isn’t really holding. Originally, Show was humiliated and fired by John Laurinaitis, and when Laurinaitis needed somebody to keep Cena from repeatedly hulking up and smashing his shit, Show was able to leverage him into not only bringing him back, but giving him a new contract that disallowed any sort of authority figure from lording their power over him and making him dance like an idiot or jump through hoops again. That was the entire point. Not “he can’t get fired.”

Now, because they need one of the best actors on the show (Show) to get across how personally wretched Steph and H are, “ironclad contract” means “he can’t get fired.” But then it also suddenly means that he CAN get fired, if he doesn’t do what they say! And he’s upset about that because he’s gonna have to wrestle a wrestling match (gasp) against someone he doesn’t particularly want to wrestle or punch out, despite the fact that he’s wrestled him and punched him out dozens of times before, sometimes on pay-per-view. This is WWE openly, brazenly requiring me to forget that history before SummerSlam exists, despite constantly referencing history pre-SummerSlam.

Good: At the same time, Stephanie is THE DEVIL here, and Show, as mentioned, is such a good and compelling actor that I feel for him, and I want him to just Hog Log her into dust and be done with it. Put on a big iron glove that says CONTRACT across the knuckles and punch her head off like she’s a Powder Ganger who got too close. It’s the good wrestling show kind of furious support I’ve feeling for Show, though, where I want him to do the right thing and be a hero. Very few people get across the emotion of an angle like this better than Show.

Bad: well …

Worst: How Young Do They Want Us To Believe Stephanie McMahon Is, Exactly

At one point during her horrifyingly emasculating speech, Stephanie drops the fact that she and Big Show have been friends since he first arrived in the WWE, when she was 12. The obvious problem to pretty much anybody who heard the words come out of Stephanie’s mouth is that Show is 41 and she’s 36, which makes him five years older than her. So that means either:

1. Show debuted in the WWE when he was 17, meaning he is currently 31 years old and won the WCW Heavyweight Championship from Hulk Hogan in his first match when he was 13
2. Stephanie wants us to believe that she is like 25 years old, to which I respond looooool
3. Stephanie is physically 36, but she’s MENTALLY in her mid-20s, which would explain why Vince was stealing teddy bears from her and burning them when she was 22. Stephanie, like Jojo Offerman, is a Shoot Eugene.
4. Stephanie thinks Big Show is the Macho Man

Best: 3MB And The Prime Time Players Should Do A Run DMC/Aerosmith Thing

Titus and Darren w/ “doing this gesture gets you on TV now, because they HAVE to be faces” taunt took on 3MB in a passable, forgettable tag team match, which is fine because sometimes Raw needs those. Especially with LOS MATADORES looming, with their mission statement of “siphon the OLE OLE OLE chant away from Sami Zayn at all costs,” which explodes like Mission Impossible and future endeavors them when they’re done. Seriously, even JBL was planting the seeds of DO THIS CHANT when they were discussing them.

Anyway, I like both of these teams and I liked the match, even if not a lot happened. If Mark Henry’s too injured to go after the tag team titles with Show — WWE, do not make a 40+ year old 400+ pound man run, especially at house shows — the tag division needs to get its act together PRONTO. And Epico, and Primo.

Worst: Jerry Lawler Has A Casually Regressive Conversation During A Darren Young Match

Poor Jerry Lawler. You can hear him trying SO HARD not to just fall into his old ways and call Darren Young a fag, or … uh, a flaming fag. So he’ll just stammer under his breath and occasionally get out “heh, great move!” or something about his hair. Lawler tries to do the “Darren Young has NICE hair, Heath Slater DOESN’T” when it is super clear that Heath Slater’s hair is magnificent. No material!

But at one point in the match JBL brings up John Wayne’s real name, Marion Morrison, and Lawler gets all Man On Wire about it, teetering high, high above saying something awful with responses like “MARION?” and “I like John Wayne, but not MARION.” He was so convinced that JBL was bullshitting him, listen to it. It’s not something I’m upset about or whatever (so please, don’t think I am), but it’s a pretty clear indicator that Lawler’s got a long way to go before he’s able to say nice things about ladies or gay folks without a mic in his ear and a big list of DON’Ts in front of him.


Best: The Pathos Of Cody Rhodes

The obvious high point of the show for me was the self-contained saga of Cody Rhodes, who dared to question authority based on the fact that he spent roughly 6 straight years losing to its corporate champion 4-8 times a day and got put into a match against THAT VERY MAN with his VERY CAREER on the line.

Cody is probably the easiest guy in the world to cheer for right now. Aside from some iffy motivations and actions in the Sandow feud, he’s a young, handsome guy who is great at wrestling, has gotten worlds better on the microphone, shows more personality in his body language than most Mizzes show screaming from the center of a talk show set and shoot comes from the shoot coolest wrestling family in wrestling. He spent his entire heel run either being portrayed as the “future of WWE” (in Legacy), as the best looking person on the roster (as Dashing Cody Rhodes), as an hilarious Mr. Sinister with bag handlers and a CLEAR MASK with RAPTOR VOICE (as … other Dashing Cody Rhodes) or as an affable, mustachioed best friend (in Rhodes Scholars). The worst thing he’s done is be a jerk to people who, if you listen to me, deserved it.

So yeah, when he gets put into a match against Evil Orton and starts taking it to another level because he is EMOTIONALLY DRIVEN~ by the ridiculous stipulation, you’re gonna cheer your ass off for him. The crowd was mostly asinine, chanting for cosplayers in the front row, but even they got their shit together eventually and thoroughly chanted “Co-dy Rhodes.” The match itself was great, with Rhodes showing how well he knows Orton and Orton knowing he can beat Cody with his eyes closed, so he just snakes around taking everything Cody’s got, waiting for him to get frustrated and slip up, then shitting in his bag, so to speak.

Again, my only complaint about Orton’s in-ring stuff is that he’s still being a babyface when it’s time to do the RKO. The walking around in a circle pumping up the crowd, the “hunting” taunt, the move itself, all of it. When he was firing up the crowd I thought for sure he was just gonna kneel down and lock in a chinlock, but nope. When it was time for him to actually win the match he just pulled Cody up and dropped him with a quick RKO, which was nice, and I hope he does more of that and less of the wacky animation.

Best: The McMahons Vs. The Rhodes

This segment. This one right here. God damn.

If anything was gonna make Cody a for-real guy we could love and respect, this was the beginning of it. There’s so much to love here. The passion in his eyes and voice when he talks about how his family’s been treated by the McMahons is legit, and I love it, because he’s absolutely right. They DID take one of the best wrestlers ever and put him in some stupid polka dots, because personal vendettas were more important than making money. They DID take that guy’s son, a legit superstar athlete, and turn him into a painted-up, movie quoting sexual deviant. And yep, they took Cody Rhodes away from his dream right before it really came true. God knows how many times they’ve done that.

But the thing to remember, Cody, is that you are a RHODES, and there’s one thing that combines those stories. When they put Dusty in polka dots, he got over. People still loved him. The polka dots couldn’t erase that. When they put Dustin in gold paint and made him a gay joke for Piper and Ahmed Johnson, Dustin took it, turned it into a character that pioneered the attitude of the most popular era in the company’s history and made it legendary. He’s still turning dudes into stars across the country. He’s the reason Sheamus is worth a shit right now. And like his dad and his brother, Cody will come back and own whatever horrible thing they give him — bags, plastic masks, Zelda boots, Bob Holly, whatever — and he’ll thrive. Maybe he’ll even start owning the lisp. Because he’s a Rhodes.

And because I want that Cody/Dusty/Dustin team at Survivor Series more than anything in the world.

Worst: Cody’s Wife Is The New Randy’s Escalade

My only problem with the segment (or the angle in general) is how quick it all was. Remember last week when Randy Orton had a car defaced by Daniel Bryan, and how he acted like it was the worst thing that’d ever happened to him even though he’d owned the car for like 40 minutes? Cody Rhodes being a devoted family man who needs to provide for his upcoming wife is this week’s Randy’s Escalade.

How long ago was Cody making “I mustache you a question” jokes to Kaitlyn and making her snort-giggle? It wasn’t that long ago. But WWE needs added drama now, so Cody’s got a fiancé and I guess she doesn’t work or do anything so he’s gotta wrestle to PROVIDE for her. Imagine how much that match would’ve meant if we’d known who she was for a long time, and stuff actually mattered?

Reminder: Cody’s fiancé is legitimately the most beautiful possible woman.

Best: That One Security Guy Making Sure The Door Closed Thoroughly

hahaha, thanks dude

Worst: None Of This Is Disproving AJ’s Point

Last week, AJ Lee verbally dressed-down the Divas division (including Eva Marie, who already wasn’t wearing a lot) and declared them horrible wrestlers and interchangeable, worthless wastes of time. There was a moment when you thought that was actually gonna go somewhere cool — maybe an AJ/Kaitlyn/Paige/Emma squad joining forces to dismantle the Total Divas and whatever Total Diva dreadnoughts (Sasha Banks, Summer Rae) are hanging out in NXT — but nope, here’s Natalya, Naomi and Brie Bella doing the crummiest Samoa Joe/AJ Styles/Christopher Daniels match you’ve ever seen for like 40 seconds before AJ illogically jumps them to prevent them from getting a shot at the belt (even though she can easily defeat all of them), ends up with three championship challengers instead of one, and gets beaten up by everybody, because now they’re friends all of a sudden.

The lesson, I guess, is that AJ only insulted the pretty girls because she’s jealous, and now she’s jealous AND scared of them. Welcome to the life of Natalya, AJ.

Best/Worst: WWE App “Exclusives” Immediately Being Shown On Raw

I love this so much. WWE provides a condescending video about how to push buttons on your phone and download the WWE app, plays things of importance on the app as “exclusives” (like Fandango getting his nose broken, or Stephanie making the Night of Champions Divas match a fatal fourway), then IMMEDIATELY PLAY THEM ON RAW.

Do you not know what the word “exclusive” means? If it’s exclusive to the app, it should only be ON the app. Don’t SHOW it to us. TELL us that it’s on the app, and that we have to go download the app if we want to see it. How is your company worth billions of dollars, guys? Did you luck into it? Is this why you advertise things like “an exclusive interview with CM Punk,” like f*cking Ring of Honor’s gonna call him up and get his thoughts Paul Heyman?


Best: At Least Van Dam Isn’t Pinning Del Rio Again

First of all, Ricardo Rodriguez is on my shit-list for rolling his Rs when he says “Rob,” giving Jerry Lawler’s goon ass something to mock every time Van Dam or Ricardo shows up. Second of all, Alberto Del Rio is so ineffectual as champion that he can’t even get that MY MUSIC PLAYED, NOW YOU LOSE thing right. Third of all, Damien Sandow (1) is Mr. Money in the Bank and CANNOT STOP LOSING, MY GOD, and (2) did not spend 20 minutes gloating about Cody Rhodes being fired. All Worsts.

After that, I’m left with a harmless match I desperately tried to enjoy on behalf of Damien Sandow and the knowledge that hey, at least Van Dam didn’t pin Alberto Del Rio again to set up a match against Del Rio he’ll lose. A championship challenger pinning other championship challengers is a pretty well-worn, functional wrestling trope, and if Del Rio’s not gonna do anything more interesting than having or losing employees, we might as well go for what works.

Best: CM Punk Keeps It Simple

Speaking of what works, CM Punk kept it simple this week, wandering out to the ring with a kendo stick to tell Paul Heyman his days are numbered, and that at Night of Champions he’s gonna rearrange his face. That works. No dramatic handcuffings, nobody screaming I LOVED YOUUU in anybody’s face, no pipe bombs or whatever. Just a dude who got treated ill last week who knows in his heart that he’s gonna return the pain tenfold when he gets the chance. That’s cool.

I gotta wonder, though, for a Voice of the Voiceless, what’s with Punk being completely detached from the whole Earth-shattering “Triple H and Randy Orton take over everything” party happening on Raw? I know he’s consumed by revenge and all, but damn, wasn’t this Punk’s whole thing? Being aware of the machinations of a corrupt leadership working to maintain and glorify itself, preventing it from eating up guys who worked hard on the indies and dedicated their lives to making it in a company that said they couldn’t? I’m cool with the “Punk’s always been in it for himself” point of view, so if that’s what they wanna do with it that’s totally fine and works, but jeez, you’d think maybe he could’ve bumped into Bryan backstage at some point and been like, “oh, how are YOU doing?”

Best: Hooray For Continuity, At Least

I want to give the Punk/Curtis Axel and Paul Heyman match at Night of Champions a colossal stinking Worst, because the selling point is that Paul Heyman HAS to compete or he’ll be fired, and if Axel loses Punk gets to be alone with Heyman, and how scared Heyman is of that. The problem is that they JUST SHOT THAT LOAD on Raw last week, with the “if Punk beats Axel he gets five minutes alone with Heyman” stipulation where Punk WON, and Heyman avoided any sort of punishment or consequence by simply letting Axel sneak up behind Punk and low blow him. What makes the Night of Champions match different? If Axel loses, he just sticks around and beats the shit out of Punk some more. Poor baby Paul Heyman!

At the same time, I’m giving it a Best because via some miracle of science, WWE creative remembered that Triple H should HATE PAUL HEYMAN’S GUTS, and shouldn’t suddenly be pals with him because they’re similarly-assholed. It conflicts the narrative a bit to have them interacting at all, and I wouldn’t, because it gets Evil Triple H face pops, and the last thing we want is for H to hear fans cheering again and start missing it and doing shit like this every week. I would’ve preferred Maddox have simply said, “hey, remember when you paid off the Shield to beat me up in the boiler room or whatever? Sucks to be you.”

Best: WHERE’S KANE

Yes, when Bray Wyatt’s first word was “Icarus,” my brain processed an entire story about WWE funding Condor Security to put Chikara out of business, because they were doing something unique and special in the world of independent wrestling WWE’s currently trying to bleed dry of talent, and I thought maybe this was Bray being transcendent enough to see through the dimensional barriers and speak directly to those affected. Then he said “was warned to never let his wings” and I was like, “oh, cool, Bray Wyatt’s owning another promo, let me sit happily and listen and clap my hands.”

(it’s not such a weird theory, you know. Brodie Lee’s standing RIGHT BEHIND HIM.)

Best: By The Way, If You Haven’t Seen This Picture

YEP.


Best: Careful, Jojo, Don’t Fall Off The Stage Honey

be careful walking in a straight line, sweet child, you might break both of your legs

Worst: Three Weeks Of This In A Row Is Probably Too Much

So … yeah.

There’s a chance that this is all still going somewhere. There’s a chance that Cody’s firing, Big Show’s constant fear of being humiliated and fired (AND DEAD), Daniel Bryan’s CONSTANT, CONSTANT BEATDOWNS and whatever else are gonna come together in this amazing new version of The Union, where Show and the Rhodes Family and Bryan and like, Ziggler all team up to take on the system, and we get this epic back-and-forth war that defines a generation and makes everyone involved into legends.

There’s a bigger, more depressing chance that this is another example of Triple H doing that thing where he single-handedly murders the shit out of a wrestler’s sudden, viral heat a la The Summer Of Punk. Punk ended up fine, but he got his dick and both of his balls severed right the hell off by Triple H for a solid month before cheekily wanting to put on Triple H’s jacket and be his friend. The problem was that Punk never really got to “win” against Nash and Triple H, he just kinda continually lost until Nash and Triple H started hating each other instead, and he could go beat up Del Rio, who nobody cares about, in matches nobody really cared about.

If Daniel Bryan and the good guys get some momentum on the next show and, I don’t know, end ONE SHOW in this cycle on top, then maybe we’ve got a shot. Wrestling’s episodic structure is so bathed in 50/50 booking that one side winning over and over seems shocking, and we huddle back into our dark corners of “this guy won on the go-home show so he’s losing at the PPV” bullshit so fast we trip and fall and lie facedown in it. As of right now, the cool Daniel Bryan who took on all three members of The Shield by himself is getting the ever-loving shit kicked out of him by a team of bosses and super villains who are, by definition of the universe itself, impossible to beat. It’s like Daredevil trying to beat up Galactus. It just ain’t gonna happen.

What’s getting me down about it all of a sudden isn’t an issue of attention span necessarily, but of…

Worst: What, So Daniel Bryan Can’t Compete in Wrestling Matches Now Without People Being Afraid They’ll Hurt Him?

Show doesn’t want to punch Daniel Bryan, because EMOTIONS. Daniel Bryan, a guy who beat John Cena clean with a running f*cking knee to the running f*cking face, a guy who proved for two fiery months that he wasn’t the weak link, is getting off shitty Rey Mysterio title defense dropkicks and kicks to the legs, only for Show to totally no-sell all of it and throw him around like he’s nothing. Situationally that’s fine, and I get that they’re telling a story with Show and all, but … do you see what I’m saying? It’s a purposeful transforming of Bryan from a crowd favorite “underdog” into an ACTUAL UNDERDOG who can’t win or come out on top or get ahead on even a SMALL scale.

Basically I need next week’s show to feature the good guys, any of them, doing ANYTHING to look like they aren’t completely helpless and doomed to fail forever. SOMETHING. They don’t have to topple The Facgime, Bryan doesn’t have to knock Orton off the Iron Throne or whatever, we just need SOMETHING that isn’t Bryan beating browbeaten, physically beaten, left for dead and cried over by his peers.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night

Johnny Slider

*the reason why Kassius Ohno, Paige, Emma, Sami Zayn, and other hopefuls from NXT haven’t been called up*

HHH: We’re not leaving until this Christmas HAM gives me a pull-up!

Kassius Ohno: *attempts a pull-up, struggles, fails*

SHough610

Orton: “I wasn’t given everything! I had to become a wrestler because I got a dishonorable discharge and what else was I gonna do?!”

Fancy Catsup

Ever go to a fair and the prizes are knock off stuffed animals? Like Stewie from Family Guy, but his eyes are crossed, he has a mop of yellow hair, and his overalls are blue and say “STEVIE” on them?

Miz is the STEVIE version of Chris Jericho.

nrspinney

is this Los Matadores promo narrated by “Spanish Mode” Buzz Lightyear?

yowereggaesir

Darren Young used Coming Out… It’s super effective!

Thornus

I can’t wait for The Midnight Rider Jr. to show up next week in the WWE.

LBCS

If there is one wrestler I’m willing to believe can be distracted for a long period of time by music playing it is RVD

Aybs

WHAT IS GOING ON WHY IS STEPHANIE THE GRIM REAPER

Big Baby Yeezus

“Big Show, YOU ARE A BASTARD!”- Daniel Bryan

“AND YOUR MOMMA SAID SO!!”- Big Boss Man

Hosscienda

Big Show stop breaking shit, you can pawn all that, since you are poor and going to die soon

Thanks for reading, everybody. See you next week.

×