Best: Miz Briefly Addresses History, Gets Verbally Annihilated By The Devil And Then Gets Punched In The Face, Or
Best: A Good Episode of MizTV
MizTV TERRIFIES me. I hate watching it as a fan because it’s terrible, but I hate watching it even MORE because I made “watch wrestling and tell the nice people what you thought about it” my job, and finding out an episode of Raw has a MizTV on it is like going to work at K-Mart and finding out some kid’s vomited throughout housewares. You guys can just shop around it, but my ass has to get in there with the pink sawdust.
The last MizTV I can remember, the one where Daniel Bryan and John Cena immediately told Miz to shut up and then got in an Inoki fight, was good. I also remember enjoying the one where Ryback threw a couch. Other than that, it’s just awful memories of Miz making duckface and calling Rhodes Scholars homos and shilling Ashley Massaro’s Playboy and me screaming at him about his worthlessness while he shilled ‘Total Divas.’
With big ups to my man Jesus Christ, this episode of MizTV was one of the good ones. Miz was still Grumpy Cattin’ it up, deadpanning these incredulous threats Miz Dad-style about how he was gonna get “awesome” revenge on Randy Orton and mentioning a bunch of stuff I’d beg him to if he didn’t, like him and Big Show having the tag titles forever ago and Show’s backstage problems being widely-broadcast parts of the show. Stephanie was ACES here, skipping her “you have truly achieved a lot” stuff she did with Dusty and Daniel Bryan in favor of just calling Miz a piece of shit on loop. She called him out on peaking too early, made him feel like the protagonist of f*cking Ikiru for flying to Indochina to do press junkets and did everything short of bringing out Coral to call him a racist and slap him in the face. It was great.
I liked Show here, too, because he actually showed story progress. He’s been stuck in BE CONFLICTED AND CRY for a month now, so seeing him just instantly get to the punchline, pun intended, was nice. He, like the rest of us, was kinda okay punching Miz in the face, all things considered.
Best: Stephanie’s Hand Notes
Screenshot via John Canton.
(She did it … for The Rock.)
Best: Randy Orton Continues To Be The Coolest And Most Brutal Dude On The Show
One of the odd running themes of these reports recently has been Randy Orton accidentally stumbling into the character he’s been pussyfooting around for a decade and becoming one of the most complex, entertaining and exciting people on the show. He went from a faceless, loosely-snaked-themed also-ran who held 10 Championships nobody gave a rat’s asshole about to being Johnny from The Karate Kid, a good man driven to unspeakable acts of violence and insanity by his heartless superiors.
The major thing is that he’s having GREAT MATCHES almost every week, and while I wouldn’t call last night’s match with Van Dam “great,” it was great in the sense of Brandon laughing and clapping his hands because a guy he hates is getting the DOG SHIT whomped out of him. I know I get a lot of well-deserved grief for being the touchy, whimpery liberal voice of asinine pro wrestling comedy columns, but occasionally I want my wrestling characters to stop acting like Sims and starts BRUTALIZING EACH OTHER. That’s what Orton’s doing. He’s seeking out a bunch of people I don’t like on the show — Miz, Rob Van Dam — and MESSING THEM UP. It’s not just an “oh no King, an RKO, the match was already over” stuff, it’s him methodically throwing Van Dam into ring steps for five minutes, punching a hole in his face, punting him off the top rope and cackling like the goddamn Wicked Witch of the West while he does it.
I know I’m supposed to be rooting for Bryan against Orton, but I really hope the climax of the story is Bryan convincing Orton to switch sides, and Orton doing what he did to Rob Van Dam to Triple H and Stephanie.
Best: Bad Luck Rob Van Dam
Also earning a Best this week is Rob Van Dam, who appealed to both sides of Rob Van Dam fandom. In the show opener, he served as the voice of the rebellious babyfaces, because anything he says or does is gonna make a large portion of the audience go RVD RVD RVD RVD RVD RVD. In his match, he got the Chris Chetti kicked out him so hilariously that when it was done and Raw had gone to commercial, Alberto Del Rio sprung up out of nowhere and BEAT HIM UP SOME MORE. Rob Van Dam’s return run is basically everything Chris Jericho’s tried to be, without the pretentiousness.
Best/Worst: Los Matadores FINALLY Debut Next Week
I will accept the debut of Los Matadores if it is one of two things:
1. A comedy match involving Santino, where he pulls out a bull puppet instead of a snake puppet and pretends like it’s “charging” at them as they dodge it. Note: their finisher HAS to be a bulldog.
2. It’s really just Cody Rhodes and Goldust in masks. The WWE App can find Primo and Epico beaten and tied up and propped up behind a dumpster or something.