Best: DEM RHODES BOYS
Yes, when Goldust and Cody Rhodes jumped the barricade dressed as fans (one of them WEARING GOLDUST PAINT) and attacked The Shield, my head turned into a big exclamation point. The Rhodes vs. McMahons story is easily the best storyline going in wrestling right now because the sides are so clearly defined, something major happens with it every week since they started it and I CARE about where it’s going, whether that means character-driven moments from wrestlers I love or matches I’ll love to watch. On top of that, the Rhodes family are just better performers than most … watch Cody during that attack. He MEANS it. These guys are pissed that their dad got treated the way he did last week and threatened by a bunch of cowards with chairs, and they aren’t The Miz standing there with Me Gusta face saying he’s pissed. This is true emotion from people who are good as f*ck at pro wrestling.
My only problem with it was Michael Cole seeing that GOLDUST has just jumped the rail and attacked The Shield alongside a second man, and going WHO’S THAT ON THE OTHER SIDE??? Oh who f*cking knows, Cole, maybe it’s Marlena. Maybe Marlena put on a hoodie and decided to beat up The Shield alongside f*cking GOLDUST for what they helped to to Goldust’s dad. Maybe Marlena’s on the other side. You f*cking dolt.
Best: This Is Basically Just Wrestling Porn For Me
I don’t even know where to begin with this match. The bold words say it all. Inherently it didn’t make sense or need to happen (more on that in a second), but it was 20 minutes long and just CRAMMED FULL of stuff I love. Dean Ambrose single-handedly dispatching my two least favorite guys on the show with Headlock Drivers! Rob Van Dam finally doing that sell of the Headlock Driver I’ve been begging for for weeks! ROB VAN DAM SELLING ON OFFENSE, A LITTLE. Sure, he was still doing extraneous somersaults into attempted back-splashes with his ribs taped up and didn’t remember to sell on offense until he needed it to cover his shitty backflip, but BABY STEPS.
If the job of this match was to make The Shield look like bad-asses, mission accomplished. They took on 11 GUYS and still almost won. They eliminated five men from the other team before Roman Reigns got taken out, which means that in a straight 11-on-3 tag team match they would’ve won FIVE TIMES. And speaking of Reigns, if you can watch this match and not love Roman Reigns, you are watching wrestling wrong. He was THE BOSS of this match, pinning the biggest guy on the face team, breaking Justin “Not Helping” Gabriel in half with a spear and stopping the Broski Boot with a shoulder to the gut, which is basically the greatest thing I’ve seen all week. It took three guys INCLUDING the uncrowned WWE Champion to stop him.
Rollins was great, too. Rollins and Bryan are magic in a WWE ring, and Seth’s sell of the running knee is so off the charts it shouldn’t even be allowed. It’s like a monolith inspiring a bunch of monkeys to use tools.
Like I said, mission f*cking accomplished.
Worst: But Seriously, I Loved This, But Why Did We Do It?
Aaaand that’s probably the problem. WAS this designed to make The Shield look like the toughest dudes on the show? Because the underdogs we’re supposed to be rooting for lost five straight falls in an 11-on-3 handicap match made by the evil heel GM IN THEIR FAVOR for NO DISCERNIBLE REASON and only took it home when they got it down to 4-on-1. Even then it wasn’t fair, because Bryan instructed his team to attack Rollins all at once. Could they not beat him 4-on-1, for real? Are we turning The Shield already? I’m not watching this wrong, am I? Even the announcers were like, “this doesn’t seem fair for The Shield!” That’s why I thought there had to be some big twist coming, because if match sympathy is obvious enough for LAWLER to pick up on it, they’re doing it on purpose.
Maybe the key to taking out Triple H and Orton for good is for Bryan, Ziggler, Show and the Rhodes boys to put on flak jackets and throw in with the only trio of guys who know how to get the f*cking job done.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
John Michael Hall
Obvious they didn’t spot the Rhodes brothers given Cody’s expertise with smoke and mirrors.
It was Collusion, Michael. A screwjob is what a whore does for money.
John Michael Hall
That’s why I say, “Heyman, nice shot.”
Did the beginning of the show where HHH tried to throw The Shield under the bus remind you of The Lion King when Scar went “It was the hyenas! It was their idea!”
Heyman: “SPRING FORTH, BURLY PROTECTOR! AND SAAAAAAAAAAAAVE ME!!!”
The comments section feels like it’s being held in abeyance tonight
Being in Chicago they should make sure Mrs. O’Leary’s cow goes nowhere near Bray Wyatt’s lantern.
The Wyatt Family: “Millions of Confederate Dollars”
The Dusty moment last week was Big Show’s “Anakin slaying the Younglings” moment. No one is safe.
*awful auto-tune hits the air*
*followed by rap music*
*a 36 year old white woman enters the ring*
Thanks, everybody. See you next week.