It took me five episodes to finally call Ryan Lochte’s E! reality series, What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, a dead fish, and that was being incredibly generous because I wanted to stop watching after five minutes of the first episode. And just as our traffic on my recaps trailed off as fast as the ratings on Lochte’s show, E! has followed in my footsteps and also canceled Lochte’s series. In fact, according to the HuffPo, WWRLD? debuted with 800,000 viewers (I’m guessing at least 30% were ironic) but recorded just 300,000 for the season finale.
While E! reps claim that the network would love to work with Lochte again, let’s be serious. There’s no way this guy is getting back on TV unless it involves a swimming pool and the Summer Olympics, dancing with other pseudo-celebrities or starring as ABC’s The Bachelor. I’d also be all for a 30 Rock spin-off called Sex Idiot, but only if it has Tina Fey calling the shots, and I don’t think she’d be interested.
So I thought maybe I could help my boy Ry-Lo out with some fresh, dope ideas that he and his manager/black friend can pitch to people in Hollywood.
Really Late With Ryan Lochte
This is a late, late night talk show format that features Lochte as the host. Except, he doesn’t speak at all. Random people in the audience will ask the celebrity guests questions while Lochte just reacts and makes faces to their answers.
Ryan Lochte Counts To 5
This is an hour-long drama.
Law & Order: Who Peed In The Pool?
Lochte plays NYPD detective Derp McAlphabet and he’s the lead investigator for a string of serial pool peeings. His partner is Tara Reid.
How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up?
Fox’s hottest new gameshow awards contestants $1 million if Ryan Lochte can count how many fingers they’re holding up.
Lochte plays a male mermaid (a merman) who washes ashore in Miami and finds a job as a server in a local bar. Haha, just kidding. That’s a show that’s already f*cking happening!
Loch and Key
Lochte gets to play celebrity contractor with his friends as a construction crew, as each week they renovate a home for one lucky, needy family. It will be immediately followed by Rescue My Renovation.
Lochte’d and Loaded
Lochte just gets really drunk and rambles for 30 minutes. I would watch this.