I told Brandon that if there was one thing that would actually make me work today, it was writing this recap of last night’s sixth episode of E!’s Total Divas. After I saw how quickly you all forgot about me in my absence last week, I couldn’t wait to get back in the captain’s chair (despite the fact that Axis of Ego did a fantastic job and made the perfect joke/analysis about the Bella dad’s fedora) and talk about what really matters most in this world… how horrible of a human being Vincent is.
In fact, this week’s episode, “Diva Las Vegas,” inspired me to switch gears a little bit and actually start keeping a running ranking of the WWE Divas featured on this show based on their storylines, no matter how maddeningly inconsistent they are – looking at you, Funkadactyls – so I’m going to jump right into this episode recap with how I would have ranked the Divas prior to watching this episode.
2) Brie Bella
5) Eva Marie
7) Nikki Bella and her breasts
Notice I said prior to watching “Diva Las Vegas,” because this ranking will experience quite the shakeup by the time this episode is over.
Poor, Poor Nattie Has The Smallest Story Line In An Episode Centered Around Her
Nattie is stressed out over the wedding that she’s still having, even though she should have dumped TJ for that dude who owns the tanning salon and wants to actively sex her, so the divas are going to throw her a bachelorette party in Vegas! I should also point out that I always use an exclamation point when talking about Vegas! now, because it’s ridiculous to me how people try so hard to feign excitement about that city if they’ve already been there before.
Speaking of tanning salon Jared, Nattie invited him to the wedding, because you always invite the dude who admits that he wants to break up your relationship to the most important day of your relationship life. However, if it ends with the wedding taking place at a WWE PPV and a cage match between Jared and TJ breaks out, then I’m all for it. (Of course that doesn’t happen, but they missed a great opportunity.)
It ended up being a couples’ bachelorette party, so TJ and the wrestler boyfriends are all there. Meanwhile, even with TJ there, Nattie is texting Jared the entire time. Poor, poor Nattie is setting herself up for a big mistake.
Nattie, who has only ever had sexual relations with one man, was pulled up on stage by the Chippendales and they showed her their butts. It was truly an erotic awakening.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd she keeps texting with Jared. Nattie is really disappointing me. But then, do I really blame her when TJ won’t give her the sexin’ she demands? It’s a two-way street, you gotta keep your babe satisfied, bros. All this and more in my new relationship book, “Things I’ve Learned About Babes: One Bro’s Advice To Other Bros Who Read.”
Eva Marie And Her 19-Year Old Friend JoJo
JoJo has a crush on Justin Gabriel because she can’t be the only one not dating or complaining about the lack of sex with a WWE superstar. We’re reminded that frumpy, douche-bro Sebastian was the love of her life, so jumping from cargo shorts and white belt to Justin is pretty big. However, it’s not an easy transition, because:
1) JoJo is on the rebound.
2) Eva Marie doesn’t approve, presumably because she’s jealous that JoJo has a more prominent story line.
3) JoJo is only 19-years old and Justin is 32. We’ll dive deeper into that shortly.
But JoJo is convinced that these feelings that she has for Justin are real, so how do you get a boy to fall in love with you? Throw a housewarming party! Except, instead of a house, it’s a small apartment. I assume that’s why they broke out the plastic wine glasses. (I’m not one to talk, as I did the same thing 10 years ago.)
While gearing up for their huge rager, Eva Marie asks JoJo, “Do you think Justin’s going to kiss you tonight?” because they’re all teenagers. Meanwhile, this is the worst housewarming party ever, as it has like 10 guests and they’re just all the people who are always already on this show. At least we got to see a very tired-looking Chris Jericho in the show’s opening segment, as he teased JoJo about her crush on Justin.
Eva Marie doesn’t own any shirts that cover her stomach. I’m convinced of this. I’d actually like to volunteer to host an after-show for Total Divas called, Hey Eva Marie, What’s In Your Closet?, and she’ll just try on different outfits for a half hour. I don’t see why that shouldn’t happen. In fact, when the girls arrive at the pool in Vegas, I finally realized that Eva Marie reminds me of every girl in Vegas!. She could be the queen of Vegas! if that was something that exists.
Justin and JoJo end up making out on the balcony while everyone watches them, because these people are seriously all children, stuck in a junior prom version of Groundhog Day.
While on her first “date” with Justin – she calls it a date, he does not – JoJo said that she has a rabbit, I seriously thought she meant a vibrator. Because that’s what I expect from this show at this point. In fact, if an armada of dildos and sex toys aren’t involved in Nattie’s bachelorette party, I’ll be shocked.
Fast forward to Vegas!, and Justin was talking to a random girl at a Vegas pool and that made JoJo jealous. Here’s the thing – she’s 19. Nobody should date 19 year old girls. Not 19 year old boys, not 30 year old men. The majority of them are not mentally capable of handling the BS that men will put them through.
Also, why is a 19-year old girl in Vegas!? She can’t do anything except sit by a pool or go to shows. So of course she’s jealous that Justin is in clubs, and she and Eva Marie think he’s a dog or whatever, because he left in a cab with some random girl. I’m not saying that he’s not a dick, but do I blame Justin for heading out with a girl that he met in a Vegas! night club while the 19-year old girl that he kissed once stalks him outside said club? Kind of. Actually, I think they’re both wrong, and poor Eva Marie must have been livid.
Eva Marie’s a good friend in front of the camera and all, but I guarantee she was boiling over about having to spend her time in Vegas! babysitting the kid, who was an emotional mess because she’s 19-years old and shouldn’t be dating anyone.
Justin ultimately states the obvious that the age gap between him and JoJo is stupid. How’s he supposed to hang and be a bro in Vegas when she can’t party? Justin and I have a lot in common, actually. We’re both world class athletes and considered to be incredibly attractive by women of all ages. The only difference is that I write for this kick ass blog and he wrestles. Advantage: Burns.
The Bella Twins Were Just Kind Of There This Week
Brie starts out by telling us the most obvious thing ever, that Daniel Bryan is awesome. Basically, he should be my best friend. It’s pretty f*cked up that he hasn’t even considered it by now. We’d have a lot of fun hanging out, and I swear that I wouldn’t check out Brie that much.
Nikki and her breasts say that we’re going to see “Brie Mode” in Vegas, which is when Brie gets too drunk and acts like a complete disaster, which should just be called what it is – a 20-something girl drinking in Vegas!. Now, “Brie Mode” would be a lot more fun if it meant that she started fighting random people or that she turned into cheese, but we eventually realize that neither of those awesome things apply.
Nikki and her breasts reveal to John Cena that they think it’s really weird (but beautiful) that Nattie has only ever kissed and slept with one guy. That leads to her and John having the “How many people?” conversation, to which John says, “Hopefully, it’s between one and 1,000.” If I had to guess? North of the latter. Just kidding. Or am I?
Finally, we see that “Brie Mode” is Brie drinking and dancing with girls. So basically it’s what happens when every girl drinks, which is incredibly boring except when it means that we see random panty shots. But if Brie ever ends up in singles competition, her gimmick should be that she’s a drunk party girl. I can’t even describe how awesome that would be.
When Brie snuck back into her bedroom as Bryan was sleeping, she was pretty annoying and clearly drunk. He even tells her the next morning that he knew. Most guys would have been super pissed, but 1) look at how she looks and 2) Bryan is just an awesome dude. I think Brie and Bryan might be my favorite couple in the world. Definitely in wrestling. But possibly also the world.
And the vibrator count is only at one. Since Cena wasn’t in Vegas!, Nikki and her breasts had her “Purple People Eater” out on the bed while Brie was sitting there, minding her own business. The fact that her finishing move isn’t the “French Tickler” is so damn disappointing.
The Funkadactyls And A Tale Of Two Boyfriends
Ariane reveals that she once dated a 41-year old when she was only 20. He could have had his first drink to celebrate her birth, so good for him. But at its very core, this was an important revelation about the truly poor decisions that she makes when it comes to her men. Enter: Vincent. F*cking Vincent, you guys.
Vincent and his eyebrows are upset that Ariane is going to Vegas! and he’s not. Real talk: She’s my second least favorite diva on this show at this point, but she deserves better than this dude. Sure, she owns a Chihuahua and thinks it’s more important to “work it” in the ring than it is to actually wrestle. And sure, she says “bomb dot com” all the time and it makes me want to drink bleach, but I know there’s a good soul in there, so it hurts to see her dating that violent schmuck.
At the same time, Trinity and Jon also might be my favorite couple. He seems like such a good boyfriend. If I was a girl, I’d want to date him or Bryan. Maybe both of them behind each other’s backs, and that could be the plot of a zany sitcom. But I’m a bro, and I do pushups and drive a Jeep, so quit judging me for my man crushes.
Hey, remember last week how Trinity and Ariane hated each other? Haha, that was fun, because they’re BFF again. I almost forgot how that was the main plot of an entire episode and how they wanted to fight each other in front of children because Ariane is pretty unprofessional, but I guess that time and editing heals all wounds.
Anyway, Vincent shows up to their hotel room, banging on the door like a psychotic juicehead, and he’s seriously the worst. I can barely describe how much I hate this guy. And I’m not alone, because everyone else on this show and probably the planet hates him, too. Every time he shouts, “BABE!” and Ariane responds, “BABE!” I reconsider even having a TV. Like, I know that these types of shows need sh*thead personalities for the sake of entertainment, but Vincent is just presented as a spectacularly awful human being.
Then he takes it up a notch with drunk ramble time at Nattie’s bachelorette party, telling Jon that he’d have his back any time and he tells Nattie and TJ… something. I don’t even know what he said. So Ariane makes him leave and he says, “That’s really messed up” and punches an elevator door. He’s just awful. Awful, awful, awful. So awful.
As for my Total Divas rankings at the close of “Diva Las Vegas”:
1) Brie Bella
2) Nattie (stop texting Jared, you dim-witted, undersexed damsel)
4) Nikki Bella and her breasts
5) Eva Marie
That’s all Vincent’s evil-doing. But as he claims on Twitter, the only person who truly knows him is his girl. Whatever that means.
On next week’s episode: Nikki and her breasts may never wrestle again (spoiler: they do), Eva Marie has her Maxim shoot and JoJo is like, “Your move, FHM” and Ariane apparently breaks up with Vincent, who will probably end up murdering a prostitute.