This week’s episode of E!’s Total Divas finally featured a guest appearance from Vince McMahon, who is one of my favorite people in the entire world, and I’ve been quietly wondering throughout each of these episodes when he’d finally pop in. I guess I expected him to be a little more hands on with this show to add some star power, because things are always nicer when Vincent Kennedy McMahon is around.
Alas, he was there and gone as fast as the wind, as he passed by several of these Divas backstage at Raw and barely stopped moving his feet long enough to shake a few hands and offer a hug or two. I strongly hope that there’s still going to be an episode in which he has to come in and crack some skulls because people are getting out of hand. This show needs more Vince, damn it.
As for the girls, here is this week’s Pre-Episode 7 Total Divas Power Rankings to let you know how I feel about these characters before they get into their scripted nonsense…
1) Brie Bella
5) Nikki Bella
6) Eva Marie
Please keep in mind that’s based solely on personality and has nothing to do with attractiveness, because in the case of the latter, it would just be Eva Marie Burns written over and over. Hey, speaking of!
Eva Marie is Going to Be in Maxim
This recap is going to be a little all over the place this week, because the storylines of several of the Divas actually intertwine for once, beyond “So they’re all in the same city…” so please bear with me, as I’m probably more confused than anyone else at this point.
Poor Nattie’s only role in this episode is to look incredibly jealous when Eva Marie tells her that she’s going to be in Maxim and then to talk sh*t about JoJo behind her back. She also makes a joke about Hooters girls, which is totally not cool. You can make fun of almost anything in this world, but I draw the line at my Buffalo wing angels.
The Honeymoon is Over for Eva Marie and JoJo
The episode opens with Eva Marie getting the news that Maxim wants her for a photo shoot, which is cool and all but she’s driving with one hand while holding her phone in the other hand and I can’t even tell you how much this pisses me off. I try never to be the preachy, finger-wagging type, but if you’re driving a car, don’t touch your f*cking phone. It’s that simple. I am constantly terrified that some a-hole is going to plow into me while I’m driving because he’s arguing with someone about politics on Facebook instead of focusing on the road, and I don’t care as much about my personal well-being as much as I do my Jeep. Also, I absolutely hate those anti-texting and driving commercials, but they’re necessary because a-holes like Eva Marie can’t put down their phones for five whole minutes. /end rant
Eva Marie tells us that she “has always dreamt of being in Maxim,” which is pretty depressing, because while I had quite the appreciation for Maxim in my younger years, I wish that people today would dream a little higher. How about you can dream of being in Maxim, but only after your dream of curing cancer falls through?
Of course, this whole series has been about Eva Marie and JoJo together because they’re the noobs of the WWE’s Divas, and now Eva Marie is getting more attention because she’s the super hot girl with the cartoon red hair, while JoJo is the baby-faced teenager and Maxim doesn’t do that whole look. Naturally, because she’s a 19-year old girl, JoJo becomes jealous and spiteful of Eva Marie’s new success and she acts like a total B-word to Eva Marie when she gets back from the shoot.
This jealousy actually inspires JoJo to figure out what she wants to do with her character, which is both endearing and annoying, because why hasn’t she been doing this all along? She doesn’t wrestle and she barely says a word unless it’s about Justin Gabriel, so how does she expect anyone to even notice her? Her first idea is to sing the National Anthem at Summer Slam, which is a good goal for her, but it’s also dangerous for her since she A) doesn’t know how to sing (there’s a difference between being able to sing and knowing how to sing) and B) doesn’t know the words to “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
Fortunately, Trinity isn’t doing much in this episode because Ariane is vacationing in Batshitsylvania, which we’ll get to shortly, so she offers to work with JoJo on her idea. Trinity is turning out to be the smartest of all of these Divas, because she just has the most common sense, whereas the other girls are portrayed as dumb or naïve bimbos more often than not. Trinity reminds JoJo that the National Anthem is a “tough song” and I think that she meant in general, but I assume that she also meant in terms of how people react to it. Because if JoJo f*cked up the National Anthem, we’d never let her hear the end of it, and then gimmick or not, she’d be done.
Trinity’s new idea for JoJo’s gimmick is to join the Funkadactyls so they can spin off into a new Destiny’s Child girl group theme, so she sets it up so she and JoJo can re-record their theme music. They do this without even telling anyone in the WWE, which is stupid and possibly a waste of time and money, but of course the brass likes it and agrees to let them perform on the next Raw.
Because Ariane’s been dealing with personal stuff that we’ll get to in just a moment, the three girls have had no time to practice their new gimmick until the day of that Raw, and Trinity was sick as hell, so of course the performance in the ring was horrendous. I mean, it was just painful to watch, like someone was boiling cats. They had no rhythm and they simply weren’t prepared. As Trinity put it, “It wasn’t the best” and truer words have never been spoken. Added JoJo, “Epic fail” because, again, she’s 19.
The only positives to take away from it were that Brie Bella actually taunted them when they were nervous prior to the performance, and that’s because Brie is awesome, and Eva Marie chalked it up to karma, in that if JoJo hadn’t been a B-word, she would have done better.
Vincent is No Longer the Worst Person on TV
Ariane’s boyfriend Vincent has been portrayed as nothing more than a hot-headed, drunken douchebag during his few appearances on Total Divas, and I’m not sure that’s fair to him. As we know, these kinds of shows operate on agendas, and the clear agenda here is to create characters that we talk and/or write 2,000 words about each week. Needless to say, the WWE has turned Vincent into a heel, but I’m not convinced anymore that he’s the problem. I think the real problem is that Ariane might be the worst “character” on TV.
From the start of this episode, Ariane and Vincent are fighting, because he apparently told her that he couldn’t make it to her red carpet event, but now he’s pissed that he canceled his plans and she won’t let him go. This leads to her screaming, “BABE!” at him over and over, and I had been sitting here this whole time under the impression that TBS’s stupid Family Guy commercials with the “Mom… ma… mama…” and Bill Hader’s T-Mobile commercial with the iPhone ringing and vibrating that always makes me think my phone is going off were the worst things on TV, but I was wrong. It’s Ariane screaming, “BAAAAAAABE!” like she’s f*cking 5-years old.
Anyway, the reason that they’re fighting so much is because Vincent is pushing Ariane toward marriage, and while Ariane should be concerned about the sort of old-fashioned way that Vincent is doing whatever the hell he wants, she should also open her mouth and tell him to cut this sh*t out. She doesn’t and it only progresses, as he tells her he wants his family and her family to finally meet, and he means their entire families, including cousins and nephews and people whose names you’ll never remember.
It’s also important to point out that he’s telling her this as she’s having her Chihuahua’s nails painted, because the dog needs to be a diva, too. This is the same dog that pukes and eats it back up, because she lets it as “It’s just what dogs do.” Vincent also did the whole “Don’t kiss your dog on the mouth” routine, which I hate because I love my dog and my dog gives the best doggy kissies, yes she does, yes she does! But she also doesn’t eat her own vomit back up, because no dog should do that. F*cking gross, son.
Vincent convinces Ariane to meet his dad, who turns out to be a cool, old Armenian dude, but he’s also under the tired the belief that the dude wants to get married now, so that’s just how it happens. He tells Ariane that not only will they be getting married soon, but he also expects a grandchild immediately, because that’s the style in Armenia apparently. And don’t shoot the messenger if that’s not the style in Armenia, because I’m just describing the way two Armenian guys laid out their culture for us.
Ariane tells the other Divas that she’s not ready to get married and Nikki Bella and her breasts, always the helpers, reminded everyone how lucky she is to have John Cena in her life, even though he has told her that they won’t ever get married. Nobody actually offers Ariane any real advice, because they’re all so jealous of Eva Marie’s Maxim photo shoot. Seriously, the evident jealousy was incredible.
Because Ariane never bothers saying anything to Vincent, he takes her to a jewelry store and basically tells her to pick out her engagement ring. No getting down on one knee. No romantic location or place where they had their first date. He brings her to a jewelry store and asks to see some diamond rings “for my girl” because that’s how his culture taught him to propose to a woman. That he hasn’t clubbed her over the head and dragged her back to a cave is amazing.
Ariane is finally forced to tell Vincent that she’s not ready to get married. I could have done it for her. I would have been like, “Yo, you’re a douchebag!” and he would have beaten me half to death, but it would have been worth it because someone needs to tell this guy he’s a douchebag. This whole show really runs with this premise that if you’re in a relationship, you have to get married. Whether one week or one decade, all these girls talk about is getting married. It’s pretty ridiculous, considering they’re all really young and need to focus on their careers. But then, I’m conservative with my beliefs in life priorities and these people are hellbent on being young and famous.
In the end, Ariane doesn’t break up with Vincent, they just take a break. That’s exactly what this guy needs – time off from his babe.
Speaking of Women Who Want to Be Young and Famous
While the episode opens with Eva Marie talking about her Summer Slam Maxim photo shoot, there’s a quick, pointless line from Nikki and her breasts about how after her and Brie’s hiatus from the WWE, they’re really happy to be back on top, because they know that they’ve made it. Again, this line is a throwaway by itself, but then in just a little bit it will become very important again.
John Cena has some trainers in his house properly stretching him out because it helps them avoid injuries. As Nikkie and her breasts point out, WWE Superstars and Divas put their bodies through a lot of wear and tear, and if they don’t take the proper precautions, it can affect them for the rest of their lives. So Nikki and her breasts let the trainers stretch her out while Cena tells her how beautiful she is, and if you closed your eyes during this part, you would have felt like you were watching a porno. Especially since John and Nikki and her breasts had sex right after.
Brie meets the rest of the Divas for lunch and then totally craps all over Eva Marie and JoJo for dressing like scrubs, because she basically tells them they need to be dressed for success everywhere they go. As someone who wears a t-shirt and jeans for almost every occasion, please allow me to respond with a hearty fart noise.
Okay, going back to that random line about making it and being No. 1 from earlier in the episode, Nikki and her breasts now say that she is currently trying to be the No. 1 Diva and wants to “make it” even though she just said that she’s back on top and has already made it. I almost feel like they’re doing stuff like this to purposely confuse me. Like, not the audience in general, ME. Just me, as if the writers sit there going, “Burnsy’s sh*tting all over us again this week, so let’s f*ck with him some more.”
But the point of her contradictions is that she’s injured in a match on Raw and has re-aggravated a shin injury that has plagued her since she was a child. In a move that I totally relate to, Nikki and her breasts are too scared to go to the doctor to get her shin examined because she’s afraid of the worst. But Brie tells her that she’ll tell John and the WWE management that she’s injured if she doesn’t, because it affects them both. If Nikki and her breasts are off TV, then Brie is off TV, too, she says. Of course, that is stupid and wrong, because if Brie wants to be on TV, the WWE will put her on TV because we like seeing her on TV.
Nikki and her breasts finally get her shin examined, and she was right to be worried – the WWE trainer wants her on crutches for 8 weeks and management wants her off TV for 12-15 weeks while she recovers and rehabs. This is horrible news for Nikki and her breasts because, as she claims, she is almost 30 and that means her career is over.
Spoiler: It’s not.
The Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Brie Bella
3) Nattie (only because she was barely on this week)
4) Nikki and her breasts, I guess
5) Eva Marie, even though her dream was to be in Maxim
6) JoJo, who should be lower
7) Ariane, who also should be lower
On Next Week’s Episode: Ariane gets rushed to the hospital and screams some more, Eva Marie and JoJo aren’t friends anymore and Nattie’s BS with that tanning bed guy catches up to her on the day of her wedding.