This is Dean Pasztor. He jumped off the Clemente Bridge to celebrate Tuesday night’s Pittsburgh Pirates playoff victory over the Cincinnati Reds. No, seriously.
Not only did he live to tell the tale, he was brave enough to hashtag Third Eye Blind song titles — and Third Eye Blind themselves — while he did it. He is a true hero to anyone who is too excited to handle it and too stupid to die.
Keeping that in mind, tonight is the American League’s Wild Card playoff game between the Cleveland Indians and the Tampa Bay Rays. The winner moves on to face the Boston Red Sox. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.
As an Indians fan, it is my duty to educate other fans and help them make good decisions when we continue our miracle run tonight and win every single game until the World Series, wherein we get beaten to death by the Dodgers or whoever. As such, here are 10 things you should not do if (and when) the Tribe wins tonight.
1. Do not jump from the Hope Memorial Bridge. I know it was featured in the opening of Major League, but don’t do it. The Cuyahoga River will kill you on contact. I’m not talking about you breaking your bones, either, I’m saying the content of the water will kill you if you touch it. You also may catch on fire.
2. Do not jump from Key Tower. You will die. If you like the Indians and haven’t jumped off the Key Tower by now, you should be fine.
3. Do not jump to the conclusion that the Cleveland Browns are a promising team that is moving forward. I love Cleveland as much as you do, guys, but the Browns are not going to do anything but disappoint you. You’d have a better chance jumping off the Key Tower.
4. Do not get too confident at all about anything, really. My good friend Bill Hanstock over at SB Nation is a San Francisco Giants fan and I watched him will the Giants to two World Series wins in three years by NEVER BEING POSITIVE ABOUT THEM EVER. They could be one out away from a sweep and he’d drop a tweet that read, “ugh nothing is going right for the Giants, I might as well hang myself.” And then the Giants would win. This season I dropped my normal YEAH GO CLEVELAND EVERYBODY UNDERESTIMATES YOU, YOU’RE GONNA SHOCK THE WORLD attitude for one of constant caution. They made the playoffs. I’m gonna hate them until they make me cry with joy.
5. Do not burn anybody’s jersey. Do not Matt Schaub anybody who plays for the Rays, or preemptively Schaub anybody who plays for the Red Sox. You paid $200 for that jersey. Cleveland’s economy is held together by chewing gum. Its chief export is “unsatisfied Olive Garden guests.” Think before you burn things.
6. Do not burn or flip anything. I don’t expect Indians fans to do this — hell, I don’t expect Indians fans to even WATCH this game — but in the event that they win and destroy the Red Sox and win the World Series, do not burn or flip anything. Cleveland is already Detroit with a spit-polish, you do not need to make it look worse or more dangerous.
7. Do not upload videos of your children crying because the Rays didn’t win. This works both ways. This works for every sports team ever, frankly. It is not cool to film your child crying because their favorite team lost so you can get a few thousand YouTube videos and get onto Deadspin. If you don’t do this, I will personally e-mail Deadspin and try to get them to write something up about you.
8. Do not put together one of those slideshows of things that have changed since the last time the Indians won a playoff game. I know 2007 was a long time ago (we had a different president! DAUGHTRY was popular! etc.) but don’t do it. Extra don’t do it if all you’re gonna do is upload a GIF with one bolded half-sentence over it.
9. Do not write up something about how the Indians should have to change their name. This is for all my peers. The Washington Redskins have been 1% RGIII news and 99% columns about how they’re racist this season, and a playoff win might propel the legitimately super racist Chief Wahoo into the spotlight. It is problematic and should probably not exist. The first time they have done anything worth a shit in 6 years is not the time or place for this column. Wait until the off-season, when they keep trying to get a block letter over as their logo.
10. Do not kill yourself. I know this seems like it’s as good as it’ll get, but I promise, you have a lot to live for.
I want more like this!
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