I was so inspired by Brandon’s post about what his fellow Cleveland Indians fans should or shouldn’t do in case their team won their Wild Card playoff game against the Tampa Bay Rays yesterday that I decided to pen my own screed to all of my fellow classier and more intelligent St. Louis Cardinals fans as today’s MLB Divisional Game 1 against the Pittsburgh Pirates approaches. Unlike the Indians, though, the Cardinals get a few extra games to try to stretch their playoff run out. Sorry, B-Money. :(
But the great thing about the MLB Playoffs is that every game is just as exciting as the last and next, so here’s a quick list of 10 things that Cardinals fans – or the Best Fans in Baseball as everyone on Earth refers to them – shouldn’t do if the Redbirds get out to a 1-0 lead in the NLDS today against the Pirates.
1. Don’t forget to walk in front of older fans on the stairs at Busch Stadium. When you’re leaving the ballpark, those stairs can be a little steep. By walking in front of older and/or female fans, you can use your body to break their fall and avoid unnecessary injuries. Trust me, even if they don’t fall, they’ll thank you for it.
2. Don’t just buy one soda pop from the concession stand. Okay, so this is one for during the game, but it’s just as important. LOL! The Lord gave us all two hands, so buy an extra beverage for the person sitting with you or next to you. It can get hot in the stadium and it’s important for people to remain hydrated and refreshed.
3. Don’t check your cell phone while you’re having a conversation with a real person. Make eye contact and never seem disinterested. Use this advice in all walks of life, but also when celebrating your team’s big win.
4. Don’t leave the cookies that you baked for the people sitting around you in your car. There’s no point in slaving over a hot oven if you’re just going to be a goofus and leave those delicious sugar cookies in your car! (Also, adding Hershey’s Kisses to the top wouldn’t kill you.)
5. Don’t forget to compliment Pirates fans on the season that their team just had. They’re not as fortunate as us Cardinals fans, so you should show some compassion and tell them just how great it is that they made the playoffs. They’ll appreciate your incredible knowledge of the game.
6. Don’t leave the stadium without buying a souvenir for your young ones. Baseball games are also about making memories with your family and friends, so make sure to grab a XXL t-shirt from the team store for your Midwestern tween.
7. Don’t bother the police officers, they’re trying to do their jobs and protect everyone. There are a lot of fans and only so many police officers to keep their eyes out for any visiting fans who might be up to no good. After all, not all fans can behave like us, so make sure you do your part and point out any Pirates fans that might be underage drinking or picking fights. Their seats could have gone to better Cardinals fans, and they’ll be punished by Missouri’s fair law accordingly.
8. Don’t use potty language. I’m just kidding! Cardinals fans don’t swear.
9. Don’t forget to recommend Pappy’s to a Pirates fan while he’s in town. But get there early or you’ll never get to try the Adam Bomb! Also, make sure they know to wait in line before they take a seat. They may not be as refined as us Cardinals fans and that could cost them a delicious meal.
10. Don’t stray too far from the stadium after the game. You will probably be shot.