The only thing more hilarious than bacon these days is beards. The Boston Red Sox are requesting that St. Louis Cardinals fans and players “fear the beard,” a technique that (along with Taco Bell commercials) made Brian Wilson such a beloved national icon back in 2010, and it’s getting them into trouble. In addition to last night’s 4-2 loss to the Cards, the American Mustache Institute has issued a cease & desist regarding all facial hair-related merchandising. Uh, because that’s a thing they can do.
We at the American Mustache Institute (AMI) applaud you and the Boston Red Sox for your extraordinary success in this 2013 Major League Baseball Season and wish you the best against the St. Louis Cardinals in what all of America hopes will be a competitive World Series matchup.
However, while each member of the Mustached American community appreciates your team’s harnessing of facial hair towards athletic excellence, your marketing of beardism violates the expressed federal trademark of AMI’s ownership of the Sexually Dynamic Mustached American Lifestyle, and in particular, our legal right to approve via “expressed written consent” of any use of said beardism or mustacheularity in marketing the Red Sox’s winning ways or merchandise.
Therefore, we have filed request for a temporary or permanent injunction, leading to the estoppal or cessation of said beardism-infringing activities in the court of Judge McKay Chauvin, Louisville Circuit Court, Division 8.
We are requesting a bench trial and have already filed a motion for summary judgment. Failing these two options, AMI along with the Walt Disney Reckoning Attribution Network and the Rev. Jerry Falwell, is prepared to fully-litigate this matter. This includes, if necessary, a full jury trial; and to this end we have retained counsel — the esteemed white-shoe firm of Dewey, Ahmadinejad & Houssein — in the aforementioned district.
We look forward to your response and cessation of these unsanctioned activities.
Jean Velue Doppelganger III, ESQ.
Chief Legal Affairs & Dance Coordination Coordinator
The American Mustache Institute
If that seemed too “serious business” for you — especially the part about how they’re working with the corpse of Jerry Falwell — here’s the American Mustache Institute pledge in full, complete with Dave Navarro bashing and a light sprinkling of whatever it’s called when you think a guy’s queer for owning a cat.
As a supporter of the American Mustache Institute, I pledge to:
- ‘Stache a photo of myself at StacheAct.com in support of a $250 annual tax deduction for people of Mustached American descent.
– Lobby the administration of President Barack Obama, asking him to grow a mustache before leaving office to demonstrate solidarity with people of Mustached American descent.
– Applaud any Mustached American as they walk past me on the street.
– Castigate clean shaven mortals and remind them that their bare-lipped appearance is a sign of weakness and communism.
– Dislike all things associated with Dave Navarro.
– Continue my mustache growth in the extremely rare case that it causes significant decreases in sexual activity, friendships, and approval by society at large.
– Never own a cat or watch “Sex And The City.”
– Distrust clean-shaven officers of the law, and if approached by a mustache-free constable, dial 911 and proceed to a nearby police station, where a squadron of heavily mustached officers will greet me with open arms.
– Consider the environment before shaving my mustache.
– Never forget that every time a mustache is shaved an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth.
AMI Disclaimer: AMI supports healthy, performance enhancing-free mustaches that contain no pesticides. While the vast majority of mustache wearers have highly positive responses from friends, exotic dancers and grade school teachers, mustaches should be worn at your own risk, understanding that AMI is not responsible for mustaches that make men look like child molesters or Dave Navarro. Wearing a “Dictator” mustache may lead to repeated beatings, and women are encouraged to avoid wearing mustaches if looking for male companionship or hoping to find employment outside of waste collection. If a mustache causes you to have an erection for more than four hours, seek immediate attention from a doctor, spouse, girlfriend, or Dave Navarro. In extremely rare cases, mustaches may cause significant decreases in sexual activity, friendships, and approval by society at large. Consult a physician before exploring your personal mustache capabilities, as premature mustache growth may lead to feelings of despair and depression.
*This was NOT sent from a Blackberry, as mustached Americans neither own, nor have the ability, to operate Blackberrys.
Real question: how do they feel about Dioner Navarro?
I’d love it so much if Game 3 of the World Series began with a clean-shaven Red Sox team sadly shuffling onto the field before being struck-out 27 times in a row. Game 4 is just them staring into a mirror and crying as Carlos Beltran runs around in the background, pumping his fist.