I am wearing the sucker dunce cap this week. Back in the preseason, I was probably Darren McFadden’s biggest fantasy football fan. The oft-injured Oakland Raiders RB was dropping as far as the fourth round in some drafts and people were avoiding him like the plague. In any other season, I thought, this was rightfully deserved, and I’d be giving myself the cootie shot around Run DMC just like anyone else. “But this is a contract year,” I kept telling myself over and over, thinking about the mountain of cash that McFadden’s fellow Arkansas Razorback, Jerry Jones, was going to drop on his front lawn for simply putting up 1,200 yards and 8 touchdowns this year.
Instead, McFadden has a hamstring injury now after four weeks of so-so play, and people scrambled this morning to get Rashad Jennings off of waivers. These are mostly strange times that we’re living in, friends. Except this isn’t strange. This is fantasy football truth that you can set a watch to.
You Probably Lost This Week If You Played Against This Guy: Drew Brees (41 points, depending on your league’s scoring)
In fairness to the Saints role players, I’ll amend this to include Darren Sproles and Jimmy Graham, because it’s almost not fair that Brees gets to throw to the two of them on the opposite ends of the offensive scheme spectrum, while he also has Marques Coltson and Kenny Stills in between them. On that note, can we get Colston a little more involved in the whole end zone routine? I know it’s my own damn fault for drafting him, but throw me a bone.
The QBs That Probably Broke Your Hearts This Week: Russell Wilson, Geno Smith, Ryan Tannehill, EJ Manuel, Carson Palmer, Michael Vick, Sam Bradford, Eli Manning, Robert Griffin III, Matt Stafford
Only seven QBs posted numbers higher than 20 points this week, which is the universal benchmark for a quality QB in this humble dick joke maker’s opinion. So that means it wasn’t a great week for QBs, obviously. I did see a person comment on a friend’s Facebook status that he needed “big things from Tannehill in fantasy this week.” Look, it’s Week 5. If you’re starting Tannehill, then you’re either the biggest Miami Dolphins homer and therefore need to excuse yourself from fantasy football, or you’re terrible at drafting. The same goes for Geno Smith and EJ Manuel right now, with the only exception being if you drafted Russell Wilson or Colin Kaepernick and you’re freaking out because they’re not playing like elite QBs.
What has been fascinating me this season is the purgatory of Sam Bradford. I like Bradford, always have, as he seems like a nice guy who looks a little like Ryan Reynolds. But the poor dude has just never had much of an opportunity to succeed in St. Louis. How long until he becomes a casualty of inept team management and if the Rams cut him loose today (hypothetical, obviously) would he get a starting job elsewhere or have to waste a season on the bench somewhere? Again, I’m fascinated by this.
The RBs That Probably Broke Your Hearts This Week: Ray Rice, Joique Bell, Darren McFadden, Jason Snelling, Maurice Jones-Drew, Chris Johnson, CJ Spiller, David Wilson, Alfred Morris, Doug Martin, Stevan Ridley, LeSean McCoy, Giovani Bernard, DeMarco Murray
Do you think that Maurice Jones-Drew saw the news about Trent Richardson being traded to the Colts and just stared off into the distance and shed a single tear? And do the Tennessee Titans players get together without Chris Johnson each night and think of ways to make it look like he “accidentally” fell down the stairs? And if Ray Rice isn’t 100% healthy, what the f*ck is the point of having him in on passing plays when your team is trailing if he’s not going to catch the ball?
If anything, this season is overloading me with questions of common sense.
The WRs That Probably Broke Your Hearts This Week: Steve Smith, Stevie Johnson, Vincent Jackson, DeSean Jackson, Mike Wallace, Roddy White, Hakeem Nicks, TY Hilton, Josh Gordon, AJ Green, Eric Decker, Cecil Shorts, Marques Colston, Brandon Marshall
Here’s a GIF to explain how happy I am to get Justin Blackmon back this week, as I drafted him in all three leagues and have been suffering with one less roster spot:
Now here’s a GIF to explain how I feel about Blaine Gabbert and not Chad Henne throwing to him:
The Year Of The Tight End Rumbles On
Not only did Tony Gonzalez make up for three weeks of BARF with a 31-point week, and not only did Antonio Gates continue to prove that when he said that he’s in the best shape of his life he meant it, and not only did Jimmy Graham continue to prove that he’s a freak of nature, and not only did Jordan Cameron prove that he’s the new Gronk, but several other TEs proved that you can win by starting 2 TEs this year instead of worthless flex players like, oh I don’t know, STEVAN RIDLEY YOU USELESS TACKLING DUMMY.
Sorry, I lost my composure. Share your horror stories below and good luck in Week 5.
I want more like this!
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