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Lance Armstrong Is Ready To Be The Jose Canseco Of Cycling

By / 11.19.13

“And remember … always do drugs!” (via Getty Image)


In the last year, disgraced, lying cyclist Lance Armstrong had evolved his point of view from “I’m a creep” to “you should feel bad for me because I’m no longer as rich as I’d prefer.” The next step in the process is to go Full Jose Canseco, boastfully admitting that you did steroids and they made you KICK ASS. The secondary trait of a Full Jose Canseco is throwing every other person who did what you did or helped you under the biggest, fastest bus you can find. Because they did that to you when you cheated and somebody found out about it.

Lance Armstrong is about to go Full Jose Canseco.

Via AP:

“I have no loyalty toward them,” [Armstrong] said. “In the proper forum I’ll tell everyone what they want to know. I’m not going to lie to protect these guys. I hate them. They threw me under the bus.”

He’s talking about former International Cycling Union president Hein Verbruggen, who Armstrong claims instigated a cover-up of his doping at the Tour de France in 1999. Lance’s doping NEEDED to happen, you see, or people would’ve stopped riding bikes entirely, and the Tour de France would’ve become a double-decker tourist trap bussing its way through downtown Paris.

Cycling’s governing body, the UCI, appeared to ignore its own anti-doping rules when it accepted Armstrong’s backdated prescription for a cream to treat saddle sores.

That allowed Armstrong to stay in the race, and he went on to win the first of his seven Tours, helping revive the sport after doping scandals wrecked the 1998 event.

“The real problem was, the sport was on life support,” Armstrong said in the article. “And Hein just said, `This is a real problem for me; this is the knockout punch for our sport … so we’ve got to come up with something.’ So we backdated the prescription.”

“I was the only person who could save the sport, so they let me cheat at the sport so I’d win the sport more!” — Lance Armstrong, or possibly Ralph Wiggum.

Blaming the people in charge of you is a pretty great way to follow up threatening legal action against people who suggested you did what you did before you admitted doing it, and pretty soon we’re gonna find out that Armstrong forcibly gave Sheryl Crow breast cancer because he’s the worst person in the world. Seriously, how can a guy who rode a bike for a living be this diabolical?

I think the next steps after this are Celebrity Boxing and blaming everything on your twin brother.


TAGScheatingCYCLINGDOPINGjose cansecoLANCE ARMSTRONGLiarsmisplaced blamePEDS

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